Dear Mariella I am a widower who is ready to date and ultimately marry again, but I don't meet available women of the right age. Any suggestions?

[Mac]

"Dear Mariella

I am a widower who is ready to date and ultimately marry again, but I don't meet available women of the right age. I find online dating sites too artificial, and I feel incredibly stuck. Any suggestions?"
 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/mar/14/mariella-frostrup-widower-marry-online-dating

[Portside]

I guess the first thing I'd ask this guy is, are you ready, really ready, to date. Be honest with yourself. If so, keep going. Another thing, there is no such thing as "right age". If she loves you and you love her, proceed. Don't construct artificial barriers for no reason. Get out more and go to new places, trying new things. Be open to most everything. Smile and say "Hi!" to everyone. Let your late wife's friends know you are ready to date. All women know at least one other available woman that is looking for a good man.

 

Honestly, I do not see why this is so hard for a guy. Assuming you are truly ready to date. That is a big assumption however. There are loads more available women than there are available men. (after 40 years old, in the US). I'm not a handsome man - just a regular Joe with two little kids. But I had as many dates as I had available time and money. All you have to do is ask.

 

For women, however, I think it is a completely different story.

 

Mike 

[RyanAmysMom]

The response from "mirtilo" is dead on:  

 

Hmmm... not convinced by the advice. I am in the same position as the writer.

I lost my husband almost 5 years ago when I was 32 and have been bringing up my almost 7 year old son alone.

I think what you also loose when your partner dies is tonnes of confidence. You have to deal with the responsibility of raising a family entirely on your own. No back-up, to one to look after you when you are sick or to help you with the mine fields of parents nights etc etc, Unlike other single parents, you don't have every other weekend off to form a social life. The chances are you don't have enough money/energy to organise a babysitter to go out dancing (although good advice Mollybee, perhaps I should join a rugby team ;-). Then the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

Mariela, your advice is patronsing and rather sexist. I wonder if you would have written I would be "drowned in a tsunami of single men" enjoying a "sad story" had I written it. And does this man want to find someone who is looking for a sad story anyway?

What is true, is that when this man (and myself) were last dating, it was certainly before internet, sms, mobile phones etc , it does seem like a different landscape.

I do have lots of friends ( a mix of old, pre-children single friends , newer friends with children, some single parents). I also have a lot of male friends, but they are friends and no romantic interest on either side. I think perhaps as a widowed parent, you shut yourself off as a defence, so as not to be badly hurt again.

 

 

 

[trying2breathe]

It does seem as though the widower is placing limitations on who he is willing to date.  

 

Agree with Portside - 

"Don't construct artificial barriers for no reason. Get out more and go to new places, trying new things. Be open to most everything. Smile and say "Hi!" to everyone. Let your late wife's friends know you are ready to date."

 

When I began dating, I had no expectations other than getting out there and having an enjoyable time. I talked to everybody - young, old, men and women (she might have a cute single brother? 🤔)  and everything in between.  It's an energy thing, what you put out comes back to you - never know what connections you'll make.  An introvert would have a tougher time of this, I imagine.  Maybe this is part of the problem?

[Love2fish]

On 6/30/2018 at 9:47 AM, trying2breathe said:

It does seem as though the widower is placing limitations on who he is willing to date.  

 

Agree with Portside - 

"Don't construct artificial barriers for no reason. Get out more and go to new places, trying new things. Be open to most everything. Smile and say "Hi!" to everyone. Let your late wife's friends know you are ready to date."

 

When I began dating, I had no expectations other than getting out there and having an enjoyable time. I talked to everybody - young, old, men and women (she might have a cute single brother? 🤔)  and everything in between.  It's an energy thing, what you put out comes back to you - never know what connections you'll make.  An introvert would have a tougher time of this, I imagine.  Maybe this is part of the problem?

I agree with you T2B agreeing with Portside.  It is indeed an energy thing.  I would like to add that an introvert should not expect a tougher time.  I say that as a lifelong introvert myself. I only grew out of it when I began dating and realized that I had come into my prime in many ways. I made mistakes but I learned a little each time.   I am still an introvert and  I am comfortable with that,  but I also have a sweet lady to love me even when I need to be alone. 

Edited July 6, 2018 by Love2fish