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That Dam Ex wife


Needytoo
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Need to vent and any advise I would greatly appreciate.  The guy I have been dating for a year is fantastic but his ex is nuts. They still don't even have a separation agreement. She denied him access to the kids unless someone is with him. We have been bringing his kids to my cottage every second weekend. NG's kids are special needs kids. The ex-has been complaining about the oldest that he is too much. He has autism and is 14 and guess what puberty has hit him, welcome to parenting a teen you stupid lady. She wants us to take the kids every weekend. She wants this so she can party with her new boyfriend. Two weekends the oldest boy was hospitalized because he said he wanted to comment suicide. She made us give up our plans so we could visit the kid while she went off with her new boyfriend.  The kid is in the hospital, of course, we are staying around, stupid lady this is what being a parent is about. She was even in a spot with no cell service so we couldn't contact her if we wanted to. She told the hospital NG couldn't visit unless I was present. This weekend we had the kids, Tony had a sore neck. Never thought much about it, but as we drove him home it got worse. She had to bring him to the hospital last night guess it was a side effect of the new drug and somehow it is all our fault.  Now she doesn't want me near the kids. 

 

I am pissed and trying to calm down. I am thinking of telling NG that I will not be around that way according to her rules he can't have the kids. But is this the correct thing for the kids? 

 

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Of course this is not right for the kids but it sounds like NG's wife doesn't really care about that. Notice I used the term "wife" to describe her. Herein lies the bulk of the issues. If all you say is accurate, (and I have no reason to believe it isn't :) ), NG is letting himself, and you, by extension, get played.

 

He needs to get a formal separation agreement immediately, Yes, it can be expensive. So what? He needs to hire the nastiest domestic relations lawyer around. And then tell him to go scorched earth on her. Try to get her declared an unfit mother. NG should try to get full, not shared custody. Have the lawyer hire a PI to document all her catting around for evidence to the judge when it eventually comes to court. 

 

BUT!!!

 

You need to back out, temporarily, too. You are dating a married man, not separated. Nasty wife can use that evidence against him as easily as he can use her dating against her.

 

Needy, Hon, I am sorry to say there are some things out of order here that are contributing to your hurt, sad experience. Get things in order and the whole experience will be better. If NG isn't willing to do this for your relationship, he isn't the right guy for you. :( 

 

I'm pulling for you. Just know, no matter what, this is going to be rough. After this BS gets a bit more settled, then you two can concentrate on caring for the kids in the manner they need. It is going to be a shitstorm for them too for awhile. 🙁

 

Good luck - Mike

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Sorry you are all going through this with nutcase but I am going to say I have to agree with Portside here.  BF needs to step up and finish his business with his wife and get custody straightened out.  For your own sanity taking a step back for a bit may not be a bad idea.

Hugs

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She is using the kids for nothing but selfish interest and leverage. I am in agreement - nothing will get better until the right legal steps are taken and he starts collecting proof - emails, voicemail messages, anything to show her incompetence. You need definitely need to step back for your sanity. 

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They have been separated for 4 years but he never had the money to do the legal separation. He pays her a heck of a lot of money every month but can't even claim it. He does have a good lawyer but the process is so dam slow. The mediator for child care told the "wife" to go seek a mental professional.  This woman tags her youngest son on Facebook so all his friends can read about her love affairs. Woman is nuts. 

 

I have mentioned that he get full custody. He doesn't think he can do it, I told him it is amazing what a single parent can do. I never thought I would say this at 51 years old but I would love to raise these kids, but this is a decision he has to come to.  Also on the other side we do enjoy our alone time.  

 

The kids this last weekend were ALOT to handle, the worse I have ever seen but they don't know what to think because their Mother fills their heads.  I was able to get them under control and the the neck pain started with the oldest.  The ex blames me. I can't win. 

 

I do understand what you guys are saying,  NG is standing up more for his rights and I am proud of him. I love this man and getting very fond of the kids but I also refuse to have kids who misbehave at my cottage. It is my Zen place and I refuse to have the kids act up like they did again.  

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This week it is one week since NG and I started dating. I love this man but you are all right about the ex she is a manipulating bitch. She is the one that says NG can't have the kids unless I am present well guess what lady I am not until they have a legal separation.  If she wants her weekend alone with her new man she will have to let the kids spend time with their father alone.  The ex also posted stuff on facebook about me and tagged her son so I could see it. I am calling my lawyer today regarding it. I now have blocked her from Facebook so I don't have to read anything she posts.  

 

NG and I are getting together to discuss everything again. He is upset because he feels the kids shouldn't have to suffer because of her, I am so stressed out right now. I need to mediate and do some yoga to call myself down or drink a bottle of wine or maybe do yoga and drink wine. lol  

 

Not sure about USA or the rest of Canada but in Ontario the men or the person with the highest salary really gets screwed in divorce even though this woman had an affair and is the reason they split up it doesn't matter. I don't understand that. 

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Sounds like they need to get to court ASAP and have a very clear custody arrangement hammered out.  I'm with someone who has a kid with a very difficult, malicious person - get it official, get it clear, get it on paper, get it done, that's my advice. 

Edited by Mizpah
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well here, there is NO MORE adultery law!  I guess too many people screw around on each other and the courts are tired of it. You can love someone, but you don't deserve to be manipulated, used, and abused by someone else in the relationship, unless you are liking it!

Again, like Portside said, step away until ng gets his affairs in order, and if you matter, he will step up!

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Hello everyone, thought I would fill you in on everything.  NG and are in a "spot" right now and I can't even describe exactly what is going on. His ex will not let him see the kids without me being there, I said no until they have their legal separation. She is mad, lawyers are involved but they still can't get together to the end of the month. I think NG is upset with me as well but hasn't said it. 

NG asked me out for our 1st year anniversary. He then proceeded to ask if I was paying the bill.  It felt like someone punch me in the gut and ripped out my heart.  Guess my face showed the pain and he did man up and paid the bill but the damage was done.  My husband and I never ever celebrated an anniversary and I was looking so forward to it and it was a disaster.  I did talk to him afterward about it, which was hard. Anyway a horrible weekend!! Standing up sometimes sucks!!!

 

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4 hours ago, azjane said:

Do not walk. Run from this guy! You deserve so much more. Go get it!

First, I'm sorry that your weekend hurt and sucked! We get what we allow, and walking away can be very painful, but DO NOT SETTLE! You are someone's queen, and he is out there looking for YOU! 

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Thank you Azjane and Sudnlysngl for your comments. Part of me totally agrees but off course with my post I don't comment on all the good this man has done for me. I have never had such an intimate relationship with no other human being but I still need to speak up when things are bothering me.  Both of us have shared so much with each other. Both of us are under stress from other sources right now which isn't helping our situation.  It has been one thing after another and he has been with me through it all.

Do I want to feel being punched in the gut again? Hell no!! I am speaking up on what I want and he it totally on board. 

I was having some electrical issues in my house and a friend had a friend who is an electrician.  The guy came over fixed it and wouldn't take payment and asked what my supper plans were, I told him I didn't have any.  We went out for supper I thought at least I could pay but he said no and paid the bill.  And I told NG all about it.  I am not ready to throw in the towel yet but it is on my radar. 

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needytoo you have to do what you feel is right for you, and we get needing to vent. But some of the things you are talking about do raise some red flags, and we just want you to be aware of that. I especially after just divorcing a person "who started out a great person, then turned on a dime into a douche bag slime ball"! 

So vent away, and listen to your instincts too...

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My first two husbands did the same thing so I know where you are coming from sudnlysngl but after many hours during my recovery I also realize that I was to blame a bit for that. I didn't speak up for myself. I need to tell NG what I expect and he has mentioned I need to do that as well.  I am a terrific person, I am generous but there come to a point that I will not be taken advantage off. If I don't this relationship is over. One problem is NG's ex wife use to take advantage of him so much that maybe he is on guard of being taken advantage off by me.  Thanks for letting me vent. 

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Im sorry things have been so stressful in your relationship.  It's not easy dealing with exes and kids and all of the turmoil it brings.

 

I'm curious why you should have anything to do with NGs right to see his children?  You should in no way feel responsible for making his custody issues work or feel any guilt if you don't want to be a part of it.  I understand very well the idea of putting up with some negatives to be in a relationship that has a lot of positive aspects.  It sounds like you have a history of making compromises in past relationships and are trying hard to break the pattern by speaking up for what you need and what you won't accept which is a great step.  I have a similar past though maybe not as extreme as what you've shared about your marriage to your late husband.  In my current marriage I overlooked some red flags because of the overall positive relationship we share.  I have learned to speak up for myself more but see myself at times slipping into old patterns and needing to reset.  None of us know the intimacy and intricacies of your relationship like you  do so only you can know if it is balanced and mutually beneficial.  There is nothing wrong with taking a step back while he works out his divorce and custody issues if it is all feeling too much for you.  He really needs to have his life more settled before you will know exactly where you stand.

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You are so right Trying, I should have nothing to do with why NG have the right to see his children.  The ex is trying to make it look like he has some anger issues, not sure why because before she wanted him to take the kids every weekend.  

 

Update on crazy ex. She had called children's aid on both of us and will not let NG have the kids this weekend.  She claims the kids are saying things about both of us.  There is something seriously wrong with the lady. I can't control her and I don't want anything to do with her.  I called my therapist and she thinks the woman might have some borderline personality disorder and recommended some reading for me about the condition.   I need to keep away from her, which I will.  NG is upset but also realizes he can't control his ex and is going to talk to his lawyer today. We will see if there is anything that can be done.  

 

Going to focus on me right now, and get my mind back in a calm state.  I am having some possible health issues right now (growth in my uterus) and with everything else, my stress level just keeps going up and up.  Thanks, everyone. 

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Oh yeah...this is way too much to deal with-especially if he isn’t officially divorced yet...Even if the marriage has been over for years..you all can’t potentially move on while he has loose ties with her.

 

i get the crazy ex part...My NG of a year and a half has one. The only way he deals with her is thru limited only necessary contact because of the kids. I would lay off the involvement with the kids right now. You are getting very emotionally involved with them..and it’s not your problem. My guy has been divorced almost 5 years...and I’ve intentionally limited my time with his kids because their Mom is bat shit crazy. I’ve had to protect my heart. You all should focus on your relationship solely for a while. All the craziness from her-you need shielded not involved in it. Remember...she’s his problem not yours!

 

if he was divorced and you all remarried to each other...his ex would be a little of your problem and you would have a right to be vested/involved with his kids. Right now?? Save yourself the headache!

Edited by Sugarbell
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On 7/18/2018 at 11:02 AM, Needytoo said:

I called my therapist and she thinks the woman might have some borderline personality disorder and recommended some reading for me about the condition.


As someone who's been in a years-long relationship with a man who shares a child (my kid's half-sibling) with a highly malicious and unstable individual, for what it's worth, I recommend against delving too deeply into the why's and how's of the way she is.  The deeper you go, the more in her dark and twisty BS you are.  There's nothing good there for you, even in analyzing and attempting to understand.  For me, what's worked best is minimizing exposure as much as possible, and that includes voluntary mental exposure - just thinking about her.  I blocked her on my phone and social media, she's not permitted in our home, she and I do not communicate, she and NG have only what communication is necessary, and I limit my communication with him about her to what affects our lives.  

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I did a little reading on mental illnesses (borderline, narcissism, sociopaths) in the beginning because I had never encountered an ex so nutso! I agree with Mitzpah-it was a big mistake. Not worth my energy and don’t want to live in her twisted mind. 

 

Its really not not good to even have to talk/think about toxic people. In the beginning this was rough on me too..now it’s like she doesn’t even exist. (And no one ever brings her up..poof gone!) 

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Great advice Mizpah and Sugarbell.  I did do a bunch of reading as well and came to the same conclusion. I will have no contact with the lady.  

 

Update on the case, NG's lawyer is going for "parent alienation" charges. This is going to get messy. I do hope this lady finds the help she needs.  

 

In two hours I am on vacation and I am so looking forward to it!! She will not change that!! 

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