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A widower's doubt


Raymond
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Doubt is cruel. 
 
Over 25 years ago I met and fell in love for the first time in my life.  Up until that time I had my share of fun but with little fanfare and certainly no broken hearts left behind.  Sadly, I lost my wife, best friend and mother to my children two years ago.  There was a terminal diagnosis a year before that.  25 years of bliss.  I fell in love with her many times over that period.  I loved her like young lovers do.
 
Research is part of my trade.  I know more about cancer than I'll ever want to know.  I know more about grief than I'll ever want to know.  I know more about the pitfalls of dating a widower as I didn't want to subject any possible paramour to an unfairness.  I remember being lucky enough to sit with a world famous grief counselor with the intent to make sure I was modeling my grief correctly for my two children.  After two sessions he explained that I was not a good candidate for counseling as I already had the insight of the pain I was in and more importantly there wasn't much to do but sit in it.  He thanked me but I never thought to ask what for.
 
After dating others previously,  I find myself with a woman I have great affection for.  It has roughly been 6 months seeing her.  I have told her I love her.  I've told her I like the way she makes me feel when I am with her.  My actions speak to this effect as well.  But there seems to be a catch.  I tried to explain that I'm not sure what love is to me.  I know that comparisons to my previous love are a misnomer and a trap (as my research informs me).   I tell her this love is a different love, and knowing my past, she accepts this.  She knows my heart has room for two.  I have been to the top of the mountain and the view was pure magic.  I have a different view now . . . different magic.
 
This is the backdrop for my pondering:  Can a young man of 23 have the same type of love that a man of 50 can have?  What is the difference between compromise and settling?  I know intellectually I will never have exactly what I had, does that mean I am forever cursed to look for it? Is it settling if I don't find it?   Never content with a different love?  Tis maddening for sure this doubt.  I so desperately want this love to be the same as it was knowing that it cannot be.  Circular . . . .
 
I hear people say you can feel it in your gut.  Or I read you'll know it when it comes but I don't buy it.  My head and heart have been tempered by Life's years and I don't remember what my gut felt like back then.  Is it correct to interpret love as I am now compared to when I was 23?
 
Doubt is a cruel thing.  Does it mean I have not fully separated the "me" from the "we" yet?  Is doubt in and of itself my answer to whether I am prepared to  launch into love again?  Is it a compromise to understand and be satisfied with a different love?  Is it fair to her?
 
 -- widower's doubt
 
 
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Isn't this complicated? 

 

There are a few things I know and a lot of things that I don't know.  What do I know?  I know that I loved my first husband deeply.  I met him at 28, married at 30, and I lost him at 47.  Six months later, I met my second husband.  He was also widowed.  We connected, initially thinking we would be friends on this widowed journey.  We talked for hours and hours.  Strong feelings developed.  We decided to meet, realized we had something very special between us, made quick decisions to close the gap between us, and we married a year after we met.  The love we had between us was different - fuller - I would say, perhaps partially because of our age/life experience and the impact of losing the persons we each loved so deeply.  Unfortunately, I lost him less than 4 years after I met him.  It has been harder for me losing my second husband.
 

I know a lot of people who have been widowed and have found wonderful love again. Many are also with widowed people, but some are married to people previously divorced.  I know that they share very deep relationships with a second spouse.  I also know a few who perhaps came to the conclusion that they had found a good life companion, but they don't have the same level of intimacy as they had with a late spouse. 

 

I know that my relationship with my second husband was entirely different from that which I had with my first husband.  They were very different people.  It didn't do much good to compare.  I do know that I never doubted myself in my relationship with my second husband.  I have not made much headway into the dating realm since my second husband died, so I can't give you any thoughts on how I might feel now if I was attempting a relationship. 

 

I'm not sure there is one right answer here....perhaps it just has to be right for you and the woman you care about.

 

Best wishes,

 

Maureen

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I am exploring the same thing. Here is what I have come to think, I have no idea if it is right but it works for me. Every love is unique because it is between two unique people. I have had one great love in my life so far. That love was between two unique individuals and because of that it was a unique love never to be duplicated. I am now looking to find a new love. It will be different from the first, not better or worse but different because the two people who grow this new love between them are different. I am a different person than who I was before my wife died. I have grown and changed in so many ways in the last 19 months. And whoever I end up in a relationship with will obviously not be my late wife, because she is no longer here. This it is difficult because not only do I miss her I also miss that unique relationship I had with her. It is something that will never return. I fully expect to build a new love with someone at some point in my future. I am looking forward to being close to someone again. But there is a little part of me that worries it will never be as good. And there is also a little part of me that I know will fell guilty if it is even better than my first love. In some ways that is my greater fear, because I think I now have the capacity to appreciate love more having lost it to death. And the thought of loving someone more deeply than I loved my late wife feels like a betrayal. I know it is not but knowing and feeling are not always related.

Edited by Leadfeather
added the two last sentences after relection
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Great question, and two great answers. I am in a relationship which, like Maureen says, is totally different than my marriage. Two different people, but also, I am a different person than I was at 25. My marriage was strong, but tumultuous. My new relationship, while I would never call it boring, is a bit more predictable. I am not sure I have the energy for the ride my first marriage was. I guess we all just have to figure it out for ourselves. What works for us and our new mate. I know he is happy I am in his life, he says I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I am content. If I feel any guilt, it is for feeling relieved not to have the extremes. Maybe it is settling, or a compromise. I know some who knew me with my husband might say so, but I don't really care. We are building a good life together.

 

Great affection and liking how you feel when you are with her is a pretty good start. I like that you told her you love her even though you are not sure what that is. In full disclosure, I expressed similar feelings to my NG and that honesty is what allowed our relationship to develop. Sounds like your girl's the same.

 

 

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Such a complicated topic and I think while most of us who are widowed can find similarities in experience we are also each as unique as each relationship is.  

 

I met my first husband when I was 19.  We grew into adulthood together and shared every significant milestone, every joy, every heartache for 25 years.  Our marriage was not perfect but we had a wonderful life together and we were raising 3 boys as a team.

 

My second husband is a wonderful man who I have great love for.  Our relationship is very different than the one I shared with my first husband, not better or worse but different.  We came into this relationship as fully formed adults with 47 years of life experience, lifestyle patterns, baggage, goals and expectations.  He wasn't there when so many events in my life shaped who I am today and vice versa.  In many ways it's refreshing to be seen only for who I am today because I am so different than the person I was at 19 when I met my first husband.  There are times when it makes me sad that he can't fully understand why something is such a profound accomplishment for me because he wasn't there for so much of my journey.  Having children from a previous relationship makes is different as well.  We love and accept each other's children but we weren't there for their journeys from day one and the pride and worry is not the same.  I miss having the only other person who loved them the way I do.

 

My current love is just right for who I am today and who I will continue to grow into being.  Comparisons are never fair but it's human nature to go there sometimes.  If the woman in your life is secure as my current husband is than continue to be open and honest with her about the complexities and continue to show her how you cherish the unique person she is and the unique relationship you share.  The heart has an amazing capacity to expand when we allow it.

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Raymond, your post is beautiful. Can a person of 23 have the same love as a 50 year old? I don't know.

 

I don't have the energy I did at 23. I'm not dating so maybe I am not qualified to comment. I was 23 when my husband and I met. It was an immediate strong attraction, high flying and exciting. I definitely don't have that energy now. 

 

Are you happy in the company of your new lady? Would you be unhappy without her? If you parted ways and she moved on would you regret the parting? 

 

Please post back with updates. I wish you much happiness and contentment.

 

 

 

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I enjoyed reading how I also feel so eloquently described, thank you! I think that it is definitely going to be different. How could it not be? Not worse, or less, but different. We're in different stages of our lives, and have past experiences that made us into who we are now. When we met our spouses we grew up with them. I was 16 when I met my late husband, married at 19, and happily married until he died at 39. I would like to view my next loving relationship as growing old with someone. 

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Thanks for this post Raymond.  My wife died 2 years ago at 39 years old.  We met when she was 21, I was 23.  I feel the pull of wanting that same intimacy that we had, the same fun and adventure, that same looking forward to the future together.  Everyone has touched on a similar theme here, that our following relationships will not be the same, as we are different due to life experiences (shared with our partners).  The following partner cannot have the same feelings towards our children, no matter how much they care about our children.  We all changed forever by going through the loss we have.  Realizing these things makes it easier to have a successful future relationship in my opinion.

Just as when I met my first wife, I need to be able to go into that relationship without expectations of who she is, I need to find out who she is by sharing life's ups and downs with her.  I have only gone on a few dates with a few women since my wife died, and I have taken a break from looking, and I think I am finally finding my new normal and figuring out who I am again without my wife and after all I've been through.  For me, being able to find day-to-day happiness again in my life by myself will make me more ready to share happiness with someone else when the time is right.

It sounds like you are being very up front and honest with your feelings to your current partner, which is such a good thing for both of you.  I think there is such a thing as knowing in your gut when you have found the right person, keeping in mind it takes significant time spent with that person to truly get to know them.  I think it was good advice from SoloAct to ask if you would be unhappy if you were not with that person (and not just unhappy to not be in a relationship),  So many good questions and thoughts that we all have had.  Thanks again Raymond, 

 

Paul

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I have been reading here for years--I posted a handful of times on the old site--but I felt moved to write on this subject!

 

My late husband died 8 ½ years ago--we had been together since we were both 22 years old and he died (pancreatic cancer) when we were 47. We had two sons who were 15 and 17 when he died (who are both thriving). We had a very strong, happy marriage, and had built a beautiful life together. He  was an amazing man and I still love him and miss him everyday.

 

At about 3 ½ years after he passed away, I felt ready to start dating. I met a man on Match.com--on paper it seemed we should be a great match and I tried hard to make it work..but I constantly questioned my feelings, had so many nagging doubts, worried that I was settling, and I just never felt that spark. After more than a year together, I ended it with him and I went back on Match. I was contacted by a widower, and in trying to find a time to meet, the earliest day was on the five year anniversary of my husband’s death--otherwise we would have had to put it off for more than a week. So I decided to meet him on that anniversary day. My best friend asked if that was a good idea--I said if it works out, I’ll know that LH had a hand in it, and if it didn’t at least I wouldn’t be sitting home alone and sad.

 

And it did work out! We are now very happily married. One of the ways I knew, very quickly, that he was the one was that it felt so very similar to how I felt when I first met my late husband when I was 22. All along the way I have been amazed at the similarities--the overwhelming passion, the intensity of emotion, the deepening of love and intimacy--all the same that I experienced in my twenties, I am now experiencing in my 50s. I have been in love twice in my life and, for me, it has been a great source of comfort that these loves have followed the same path. I also get an enormous amount of comfort knowing that my dear LH has been a guiding force in my new life and marriage.

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5 hours ago, Suzy said:

The overwhelming passion, the intensity of emotion, the deepening of love and intimacy

 

This just says it all for me. It is everything that I had and everything that I am holding out for again. I have learned throughout my life and in my husband's death that people have very different capacities for love. Some people are naturally set to a high degree, while other people are more basic and surface level. I have always been the deep passionate type. I don't fall easily or haphazardly, but when I do, I give myself completely. For me it has to be true, genuine and sincere, or it just can't be. To settle for a relationship that does not have a deep connection is far more painful for me than just being alone.

 

I know that I could love someone else just as much as I loved my husband. My relationship with him is completely separate from my ability to love. The question for me really is, will I be able to find someone that I am that compatible with again? It does help to know how others have dealt with this, so I appreciate this post and hearing of everyone's unique experiences.

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As a newly minted septuagenarian I can testify that nothing is the same.   😏

 

But it can be just as good and even better seasoned with a little more wisdom re the things that last. 

I met a widow when I was less than two months out.  This lady was about my mothers age  She gave me some precious council in the form of her Love story told to me over breakfast at the assisted living facility.

She was born into a comfortable life.  Attended finishing school. Married for love, had a great family as well as a city home, a ranch with stables, and a sailing yacht.  The family of four crewed the yacht themselves following the leaf change down the Maine coast in The autumns. It was a fairytale life. Until  he died young and she thought it was over. 

 

Her kids kept after her for years to get back into life.  She finally relented to accept a blind date with a widower.

She took a breath from telling me the story before almost knocking me over with “Then things got really good!”

 

She ended the “lesson” by telling me she had to hurry off to her bridge game. She and two of the other women were completely blind. The fourth had sight so she was the score keeper.  “And we have a ball!,  You can always choose to be happy” she wanted me to know. 

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