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As of yesterday, I lost my husband 1 month ago.  Im starting to have the what ifs.  What if I called him earlier? What if I just told him to sit in his car and cool off for a few minutes? Its all so insane and painful. My husbands heart stopped because of wolff parkinsons white syndrome.  I wish I could have done something to help.  This is so miserable.

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Hugs! Those what ifs can torture you. I find it best to work through them and to get your brain to comprehend that you can't control what you have no control over. In this instance, we are not the masters of our destiny. Destiny takes over and we have to begrudgingly accept so we can heal. We can never go back and fix these things. We don't like to but we need to move forward. As I tell my kids, it can and always will suck and we don't have to ever like it but we will accept our circumstance and move forward. Doesn't have to be fast or slow, just what works best for us. 

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Thank you so much.  These last few days have been pretty dark and intense.  I am missing him more and more everyday and I am trying to be hopeful for the future and that someday I will feel ok again.  This is so brutal and unfair and Im so angry for him.  He was accomplishing his goals, living his best life and was happy.  

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The mourning is supposedly intended for the living but I too mourned our unrealized  dreams and as well as the things my late husband wasn't able to do or experience. It's overwhelming when you think about it. Hugs to you. There will be a day where you can find a smile or a laugh and you will have a sense of peace. Let time do it's job. Hugs! 

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Hi Mattie, I want to share something that was tremendously helpful to me.  I am not an overly religious person.  I do believe in God, but am not a regular church-goer.  My wife was a devout Catholic.  The day after she died, one of our former priests stopped at our house.  I greeted him and thanked him for stopping by.  The first words he said to me were "Don't doubt yourself." As I nodded and was about to say thank you, he repeated this phrase to me 3 more time before I could say anything.  My wife died at home at the age of 39 after a seizure stopped her heart (she had epilepsy and other health problems).  I gave her CPR until the ambulance arrived.  Every time I would think to myself " What if I had acted 30 seconds faster" and got upset, I would hear the priest saying these words.

Grief is so overwhelming, especially the first 3 months for me.  It took me 3 months before I had a day I didn't cry, 6 months before I could string a couple days together without crying.  It is unfair to yourself to add doubt and the "what if's" on top of this.  It happened many times in my mind, and the priest's words helped alleviate some of that burden for me.  Please do your best to not add this form of doubt to the mess of emotions that grief brings.

I just joined this forum a few weeks ago and 2 years have passed since my wife's death.  I am finding the advice and experience of others here to be very helpful, hoping I can help someone with my experiences.

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Hi Mattie, I too can relate to your "what if's". In the early days/months it sure is "insane and painful"  One thing that helped me in the early times was a statement I read "if you're going through hell, just keep going"  I repeated that to myself many times to remind me that evenually I will get out of this hell.  Hang in there.  

Hugs

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Mattie, it's been close to a month for me. I am miserable. I wanted to ask you how are you doing now? My husband was 41. He died of cancer. I keep telling myself this will get easier.

I hope it does. 

Melissa

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Hi Melissa, I am at not quite two months, and I am still hurting a lot. I don't remember where I read it, but it gives me some peace. Grief is the price of Love. I am so sorry you lost your husband so young. Don't forget to take care of yourself (I am still bad about that). Hugs to you.

Laurie

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@laurie27,

  Hi Laurie. Thank you for your response. I am sorry that you are here too. I am sorry we are all here. But I am grateful for this forum. Taking care of myself is the hardest. Sounds crazy but even showering is hard to do.

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Hi Melissa, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard. I’m 10 months out as of yesterday. I wouldn’t say it gets easier but you find that you can feel joy and happiness again. I still miss my husband every day and still can’t believe it happened. He was only 33. Therapy, my anti anxiety medication and taking time off of work have helped me tremendously. It’s all about doing what’s best for you. I hope this helps. Hugs!

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Hi Melissa, doesn't sound crazy to me. This site has helped me a lot recognizing that I am not crazy just hurting beyond belief. And, yes taking care of myself is hard. I sometimes think because I have animals, a dog and a cat, it makes me get up. He has to go out and I have to get them food. I try to make sure I get out of the house at least once a day. My new thing, I can't just get gas, I have to talk to someone. 

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@Mattie , thank you for sharing what works for you. I like to hear what helps others to see if it would help me too. I did start taking some medications,which help. I am really sorry about losing your husband at such a young age. Life just isn't fair. 

@laurie27 I am glad you have animals to take care of. It does make you get out of bed. My kids help me keep moving, although hard.

 

Hugs to you both.

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