For those further along (5+years)

[StillWidowed]

I'm reading about grief and dating and many wids are only a couple years out.  I'm curious about other wids that are further out and how they feel now compared to those early years.  Looking back, I remember thinking I was ok, only to now see that I was still very much grappling with my new life and trying to make sense of it.  At 3 years I started to feel lighter.  At almost 4 years I got into a relationship (that didn't last) and I remember 5 years hitting me harder than I thought it would.  Only at 7 years did I feel like the old me.  I know grief is a very personal and unique journey, but I can't help but think that I was way behind the curve.  Thoughts and experiences?

[Portside]

I'm 10 or 11 years out (I honestly forget). 🙂

 

I don't ever forget that I have been widowed but it doesn't take up residence in my thoughts or actions most days and it really didn't shortly after my wife died. I suppose I was lucky in that regard. While it has affected me in the sense that it has added to my knowledge that life can be fragile and nothing is certain, it hasn't made me sad or affected my day to day attitude or happiness. I remarried maybe 2 years after my wife died and my current wife and I blended our families without incident easily and quickly. We try to live with the idea that every day is a gift and that life is what you make. We, and our children, have wonderful lives.

 

I don't know that you are behind the curve - really. As you said, it is very personal. Some folks recover very quickly, some do later, and some never do. There aren't too many long-time posters here. Many previous members have long since processed the grief and moved on into our new lives. As such, many don't need the forums and therefore, don't spend much time here. I imagine that is true of most support type groups.

 

Glad you are back to the old you! :)

 

Mike

 

 

[tybec]

I was 4 1/2 yrs. out when I started to date.  I think the rule is hindsight is 20/20.  You don't know if you are ready until you try and see how it goes?  No curve.  I have read from widows/widowers both stories. Some were ready early, and some were not.  All good.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hi SW, I'm at just over 5 yrs and yeah the 5 yr anniversary hit me much harder than I thought it would.  I'm not dating, I've been asked out and politely declined.  Sure do miss the companionship but I'm guessing it will happen when/if it happens.  I don't have the muster for the online dating thing so I'll just have to go with "it is what it is".

 

[Wheelerswife]

It has been almost 9 years since my first husband died.  I found YWBB (the precursor to this board) 4 weeks later.  I attended my first bago just 6 weeks after my husband died...with a group of people obviously widowed longer than me.  I continue friendships with many of the people who were there that day.  I have met widowed people from near and far.  There is such a spectrum of where people are in their lives.  The vast majority have productive lives, though I doubt any that I know would equate living their lives with getting back to their old selves.  I will never be the person I was before my first husband died, nor the person I was before my second husband died.  Losing my husbands has changed me.  My widowed friends who are 5+ years out....some are very happily remarried, a couple have been through difficult remarriages, and many are not recoupled.  I know fewer widowers, and my remarried/not remarried numbers are a bit skewed, since I know more widow/widower couples than widow(er)/non-widow(er) couples.  I realize that my friends are but a mere subset of people widowed too young and it is likely also skewed in some way versus the general population of people in our age ranges who have lost a spouse.  My friends, much like me, searched out an online support group and made connections there because that worked for us.  Even in the microcosm of my own life, I have experienced my two losses very differently.  I was happily remarried to a wonderful (widowed) man 18 months after my first husband died.  I wasn't "dating" or even considering dating when we started talking.  It just evolved from a long platonic conversation.  I only recently felt as though I was ready to date (although I admit to checking out dating sites to see what they looked like long before I was ready).  I don't want to live the rest of my life without a great partner.  Will I find one?  I  hope so!  And it would be great if it happened without a lot of rejection along the way...

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[sudnlysngl]

I'm now at 11.5 years out, and just recently divorced. I didn't even consider dating but met someone at almost 5 years out and we dated a year then married. Obviously it didn't work, he ended up being a liar and a cheater, something I would never and will never tolerate.

I've always had issues with trust, and this really made it so much worse. It also threw me backwards in the grieving. As I ended up selling the home dh and I had together after the divorce as well. So I think it's different for each person.

[Peony]

I could tell from early on that I would need a significant amount of time. I needed the time to be alone and be there for my kids. My heart was nowhere close to being free enough to give to someone else. It took me a full 7+ years before I was actually ready to date.

 

I have been back in the dating pool for a little while now and I have found it to be frustrating and difficult. I find the prospect of marketing myself quite disturbing as well. But I realize that the world and dating are very different these days. It was just so effortless back in high school when I met my husband.

 

One thing that does put a smile on my face though is that I kind of picture my husband laughing about it all. As if he were saying, "Man, some of these guys make me look like a saint!"

Edited July 17, 2018 by Peony

[Mac]

It’s been just over 6 years for me. I started dating after 1 year. Re-coupling was more of a priority for me then. Plus there was some excitement about meeting women after being faithfully married for 28 years. I didn’t know what to expect in that department. Fortunately, with time I did discover that it was easy for me to meet women. Clients of mine introduced me to their friends. I’ve had a good response online. I thought that perhaps I had found “the one” with my first relationship. In hindsight, I still had much healing left to do and did need to be more “grounded.” That relationship lasted 9 months. 

 

I remember what my neighbor said to me at about the one year mark, “Mac so many men remarry within the first year or two, but I don’t see you doing that. You and Cindy were such a great couple, but you were both so independent.” Those words have proven to be very true.

 

I’ve been in one other relationship and that one didn’t work out either. Life is good these days. There is a sense of normality in my life on so many levels, although it still is hard to believe that Cindy isn’t here. My family life is good. My children are doing well and we are doing well as a family.

In many ways it is hard for me to plan for the future, as compared to how things were in the past. I am happy most days. By choice, I’ve not entered into another relationship since my last one ended 7 months ago. I think that it would take a very unique woman for me to be compatible with her in terms of living together and/or marriage. I seem less willing than others to “give and take.” I seem to be less willing to relocate than I was before. I am cautious about disappointing anyone else, although I do realize that it does come with the territory at times.

I’ve been making some new friendships with women through some of the volunteer work that I do. But for now, they are only friendships. I am very hesitant to enter into another relationship. I’m not worried about my future, I trust that it will be good. I am content to live the rest of my life without a significant other. I do think that it would be wonderful to find someone, but I don’t appear to be willing to put much work into making that happen.

[Mizpah]

20 hours ago, StillWidowed said:

Looking back, I remember thinking I was ok, only to now see that I was still very much grappling with my new life and trying to make sense of it.

For me, this is very true.  I think I mistakenly perceived myself to be "ready," but upon thinking about it right now, I believe it was actually anger rather than readiness.  

I was 32 when DH died, and we were about to start a family.  Suddenly, it was two years later and my life was completely paralyzed.  Don't get me wrong - I think grieving and mourning and processing are absolutely essential.  But my LIFE had not progressed (how could it?  I was devastated) and I was angry, not just at what he had lost, but at what it had done to my life.  Two years thrown into a black hole.  I think I was ready - for a big change, for new meaning, for SOMETHING, for MORE....  And I met NG.  I didn't think I'd ever have feelings again, let alone the strong, intense feelings I had for him, and that he seemed to reciprocate.  He wasn't ready either, at only a tad more than six months (only a few f'ing months!).  (Looking back, it's insane that we managed to stay together the first couple years.)  We were the poster children for what NOT to do as widow(er)s recoupling.  I was very, VERY sad, surrounded by DH photos and letters, etc.  NG was in denial about all feelings except anger, of which he had an abundance, including toward me, and compared me to DW without realizing or being able to care about the long-term damage it would do.  I was consumed with jealousy toward his DW, while also missing DH terribly and always feeling like NG made me miserable in comparison to the joy DH brought me.  We were MESSES.  We were screwed up messes.  I thought I was ready, but I definitely was not.  He knew he wasn't ready, and definitely was not.  But neither of us was willing or able to take the risk of losing one another to the chances of time and life apart, I guess, because we stayed together, and here we are - a good life, an undeniable love (and a pretty great child of ours).  So what is readiness?  It kinda reminds me of when a woman asks a friend about an article of clothing or a shade of makeup: "Can I pull this off?"  Well, you can pull of whatever you choose to pull off.  We weren't ready, but we embarked, and it's been thus far (painful and insane, as life is, and at least somewhat) successful.  We weren't ready, but maybe we were, because we chose to be.  I don't know.  I could explore this, but I'll stop and spare you all my philosophical musings....

Edited July 17, 2018 by Mizpah

[StillWidowed]

Thanks for your replies and insight.  To clarify, am I forever changed?  Yes. But not in a hopeless, tragic way.   Those early days and even years of vulnerability, uncertainty and fear are gone, therefore I do feel like my old self in those regards.  My sense of humor (as warped and politically incorrect as it can be at times) has returned.  Joy has returned.  My life is full and I'm excited for the future.  I'm not in a relationship....not even dating at the moment, but there is a calm and security I didn't have in those early years that has also returned.  Can I do this life on my own?  You betcha.  Would I rather do it with a man that I love and is my best friend?  Of course.  I hope that's in my future.  But for now I will live my life fully and enjoy the fact that grief no longer has me by the short hairs.  In fact, it's looking more and more like a distant memory.  And I hope that gives encouragement and hope to those reading this that are newly widowed. 

Edited July 17, 2018 by StillWidowed

[serpico]

57 minutes ago, StillWidowed said:

Thanks for your replies and insight.  To clarify, am I forever changed?  Yes. But not in a hopeless, tragic way.   Those early days and even years of vulnerability, uncertainty and fear are gone, therefore I do feel like my old self in those regards.  My sense of humor (as warped and politically incorrect as it can be at times) has returned.  Joy has returned.  My life is full and I'm excited for the future.  I'm not in a relationship....not even dating at the moment, but there is a calm and security I didn't have in those early years that has also returned.  Can I do this life on my own?  You betcha.  Would I rather do it with a man that I love and is my best friend?  Of course.  I hope that's in my future.  But for now I will live my life fully and enjoy the fact that grief no longer has me by the short hairs.  In fact, it's looking more and more like a distant memory.  And I hope that gives encouragement and hope to those reading this that are newly widowed. 

 

What a hopeful message that is! I've seen widows and widowers who seem to want to cling to their grief almost as if it's their only link to their lost loved one. I'm not criticizing them, as we all have different needs, but I've never been interested in taking that approach. From early on my goal was to break through the tough times, and that impatience probably stalled my healing a little, but I've never wanted to hold onto my grief like a talisman. We were put on this earth to live!

[soloact]

3 hours ago, Mac said:

I remember what my neighbor said to me at about the one year mark, “Mac so many men remarry within the first year or two, but I don’t see you doing that. You and Cindy were such a great couple, but you were both so independent.”

 

Mac's statement resonated. My husband was very laid back. He didn't want to be my boss. Some of my women friends now scare me. Real or imagined they say "my husband will kill me if I _________." That's nuts!. I was never in that situation and would not live that way. Maybe I've fallen in with bad companions   One had to ask her husband for permission to turn on the air conditioning! 

 

I'm almost eleven years out. I don't want to deal with someone's used-to-be's, adults, grands etc. Seems like a lot of work. I don't have that baggage and don't want to volunteer for it. I do as I please. I don't want to change that. Next week I am having a minor procedure. The hospital requires me to have a hostage present before, during and after. If I fail to present with said hostage the procedure will be cancelled. My dear friend who has offered her help is a member of a religious order. She is calm, even tempered and reassuring. I'm very comfortable with her. A giant bonus is I don't have to worry that she will bail at the last minute because of an opportunity to babysit a grand. 

Edited July 17, 2018 by soloact

[canadiangirl]

I haven't been on lately but it is nice to see some familiar names.  I came here to say with all my heart I MISS MY HUSBAND.  Specifically. This hour, this minute.  At 4.5 years out, I am not holding onto grief, I don't care about recoupling (shout out to soloact), I still feel trauma as a lot happened during his illness, at his death and afterwards that was and continues to be be overwhelming (yes yes I am getting help).  There are few people in my life that could understand the yearning and longing (and some residual anger) that I still occasionally feel at times like this.  I'm fine, I am outwardly coping, my child is okay and I have a lot of hope for the future, but good lord I am still going day by day.  I am still grateful for a lot, including that for others life has become more peaceful, even joyful again in similar or more extended time frames. My heart goes out to those who suffer even more, because I know there are plenty of those people, who often stay silent for many reasons, including the stigma of still struggling when the expectation (even here) is that we have taken control again of our happiness and future.  We all know that life does not always conform to the expected or desired narrative. Sometimes that control is elusive. 

[sudnlysngl]

4 hours ago, canadiangirl said:

  We all know that life does not always conform to the expected or desired narrative. Sometimes that control is elusive. 

This sentence here says so much for me after 11.5 years! I am to a point of being sick of hearing others saying their damn platitudes to me, oiy! 

[Captains wife]

Its interesting as I started dating at one year out as I was lonely (I'm now 6+ years out)...although I was far from ready. I met a liar who I had a huge crush on but when it didn't work it out it exacerbated my grief. I dated many people but no matches (even if some of them were very nice). Then later on I was in a 1.8yr relationship (I really liked this person but there were early red flags) and was crushed....then something happened...I didn't feel the need to recouple anymore. I became more comfortable on my own by year 4 - just me and my son. I had finally built up a decent social life and was (relatively) comfortable on my own with my son so I was ready to throw in the towel. Now I am dating NG (1.5yrs) and, unlike the early grieving years when I was dating, I don't feel so "needy" or the need to know where things were going with the relationship. If anything, I am the one wanted to move extra slow as there are children and exes involved - and I feel more guarded as well as more ok on my own with my son. My widow friends laugh at me because in my early days I was so clingy and always analyzing the situation (where is this going?) and worried what I might do to upset the other person - now I am open about setting boundaries (where needed), taking my own time and just being myself, and just taking one day at a time rather than analyzing everything. It feels good to be in a more comfortable place although my one wish to be able to let my guard down more. Regarding your original post, I still don't feel like the old me and Im not sure Ill ever get back there after everything that has happened but I do feel more like the old me in many ways. Wishing you all the best,

Edited July 19, 2018 by Captains wife

[Eddienhp]

I am coming up on 7 years and I still have trouble believing it. Not a day goes by without my husband on my mind at least once a day.  I was in a daze the first year. I know 9 months and 18 months were very difficult. My brain clarity seemed to come back at 2 years. My creativity came back at 3 years. I felt ok at 4 - 6 years; not happy yet not sad. At just about 7 years I feel my new life moving forward. I had a very difficult financial situation to work out that took 6 years so my grief was on the slow track. The debt was renegotiated now I am working on rebuilding income. It was a very long road. I finally feel free. I can see good things coming. I have not dated; haven't even tried. My kids are now 8 and 12. One has special needs. I have a full platter not just a full plate. I think of recoupling; even dating. Maybe one day. If it happens it would be nice. If it doesn't, I can handle it. I know I don't "need" someone. I doubt I would marry again because its to legally complicated with children especially one with special needs. I am just grateful I had the time I did with my husband. I wish our children had more time with him. We are healthy, happy and have our basic needs met. Its really all I could ask for given the situation we found ourselves in. We all walk at our own pace. For some of us it takes longer to recoup. For others it may be faster. I have had to go slow due to my circumstances. I feel it worked better for me.

 

Best Wishes,

Eileen

[MrsDan]

I started dating at 3 years out. Was I ready? According to my rubric,  I think so, but it can be defined in different ways. I was still shattered, still breaking down in ugly cries, still unable to see any hope. But I'd say i was ready for the kind of dating i'd envisioned, because i didn't really anticipate falling in love. I anticipated maybe finding something like a very strong fondness. But I met and fell in love with my BF, and I'm just fortunate he was the man i fell in love with, because he pulled me gently and kindly back into the real world. If i had fallen for someone less understanding and emotionally generous, it would have been a disaster. And if i hadn't met him fairly quickly after i had started to date it probably wouldn't have been good for me. Had my ILs not welcomed him so openly, or if he'd felt awkward in their presence, it would impeded my progress i think.  Throughout our relationship he has been dealing with stressful custody issues with his daughter, and he wasn't looking for a relationship either. I feel like that we've leaned on each other in healthy ways when dealing with our respective issues. I don't think that could have happened if either of us wasn't truly ready. 

 

I wouldn't say i feel like the old me. Part of that may have to do with the fact that i became a new mom three months before Dan died, and that has a substantial impact n your identity. But widowhood has been the biggest change agent and I don't see that shifting. I'm more of an amalgam - of parts of my old self as they were, parts that i had to forge from nothing by virtue of tremendously traumatic circumstances, and parts that BF and I are growing together. Dan had a lot to do with who i was; we influenced each other tremendously. I'd ascribed that our youth, but i can see some of that happening with BF s well. 

 

There will never be a part of me that doesn't see the world as being a lesser place because Dan is not in it. And the sorrow I feel for HIM, what he has lost out on, I just can't shed that. That part gets harder as time goes on, in a way, because there is just more and more stuff that he's missing and that is where much of my grief stems from now - how his death impacts everyone else. I miss him, i wonder what our life would look like now. But the bigger thing i struggle with is missing him within a larger context - knowing the void it creates within his family, knowing what my daughter is missing out him, the reality that he didn't have the chance to know that amazing little girl. i miss him in the moments that should have happened, like I miss the way he laughed when he found something really funny and it tears me up that he never laughed that way at the million hilarious things our daughter does. 

[RemysWife]

My husband died 7 years ago. Life is different now. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. I think the difference between earlier and now is in the beginning I believed things would get better, and now I'm thinking this might just be it. Ugh. That sounds super depressing when I type it out.

 

I didn't have a great marriage. I loved my husband and he loved me. But I was not happy and I'm not sure that it would have lasted. I think about that all of the time, and it's probably part of the reason why I'm not more actively looking to date. That and some of the guys that I met online were absolutely disgusting... they said things to me that would have made the fraternity guys I knew in college blush. I don't have a thick enough skin for that. 

 

It's the time of year for resolutions and new starts. Maybe I'll look back one day and say that 2019 was the year I turned everything around. I don't know. Maybe this is enough. 

[MauiMermaid]

On 7/18/2018 at 5:20 AM, canadiangirl said:

I haven't been on lately but it is nice to see some familiar names.  I came here to say with all my heart I MISS MY HUSBAND.  Specifically. This hour, this minute.  At 4.5 years out, I am not holding onto grief, I don't care about recoupling (shout out to soloact), I still feel trauma as a lot happened during his illness, at his death and afterwards that was and continues to be be overwhelming (yes yes I am getting help).  There are few people in my life that could understand the yearning and longing (and some residual anger) that I still occasionally feel at times like this.  I'm fine, I am outwardly coping, my child is okay and I have a lot of hope for the future, but good lord I am still going day by day.  I am still grateful for a lot, including that for others life has become more peaceful, even joyful again in similar or more extended time frames. My heart goes out to those who suffer even more, because I know there are plenty of those people, who often stay silent for many reasons, including the stigma of still struggling when the expectation (even here) is that we have taken control again of our happiness and future.  We all know that life does not always conform to the expected or desired narrative. Sometimes that control is elusive. 

 

Thank you for this. Just thank you. Hugs to you, canadiangirl.

[MauiMermaid]

On 12/27/2018 at 1:23 PM, MrsDan said:

There will never be a part of me that doesn't see the world as being a lesser place because Dan is not in it. And the sorrow I feel for HIM, what he has lost out on, I just can't shed that. That part gets harder as time goes on, in a way, because there is just more and more stuff that he's missing and that is where much of my grief stems from now - how his death impacts everyone else. I miss him, i wonder what our life would look like now. But the bigger thing i struggle with is missing him within a larger context - knowing the void it creates within his family, knowing what my daughter is missing out him, the reality that he didn't have the chance to know that amazing little girl. i miss him in the moments that should have happened, like I miss the way he laughed when he found something really funny and it tears me up that he never laughed that way at the million hilarious things our daughter does. 

 

I always get you, MrsDan. But this last paragraph just brought me to tears because you so clearly illustrated what my grief feels like now. [Wiping tears now]. Thank you for sharing this...

 

And ps I'm happy to hear you are doing well. xoxo

[Abitlost]

I'm 10 years out. I'm still in the midst of raising kids to the best of my ability but not a day goes by that my husband's absence isn't missed. The absence isn't a bring-me-to-my-knees pain most of the time, but more of a matter of I'm down a player and it shows (at least to me, the rest of the world -- my kids included --- thinks I've got it all handled gracefully...ha!)

 

I was in a relationship at 2-6.5 years out that I deeply regret in retrospect; he was not the man for me long term and I always knew that, yet I put far too much energy into the relationship which would have been better focused on myself, my kids, and/or a better man. After that I refused to settle and went through 41 men before I found my keeper. Still, we keep things separate for now as both our kids come first, and I'm fine with that.

 

Do I feel like the old me? Nope; the old me hadn't gone through the loss of a spouse and ten years of solo parenting. Am I happy with myself and my life now? Yup, I think I've done okay. Do I wish things had been different? I won't torture myself in contemplating that.

Edited January 20, 2019 by Abitlost

[Dana]

Your not behind the curve grief just plays itself out differently from person to person and every step just another step that makes it a little bit easier it’s painfully beautifull in the ends ....  that what I tell myself 

[Virgo]

I feel like I've recently regressed. February will be six years. I started dating around two years after he died. Very cautiously, slow, and light hearted. Nothing deeply emotional. It was nice to get out and socialize. I've never really let any of the guys I've dated get to close. I revisited a relationship soon after my dad died this February. I think ending it set me back. I was starting to envision a future with him and it overwhelmed me. Now I just feel numb again. I feel like I'm pushing guys away. 

[Sugarbell]

It was 12 years this past September.

 

When he died I had 3 kids under age 5. I became a pill head (opiates)

My addiction stalled my healing for the first 4 years after his death. I dated a lot, but was a mess. Had a 5 month marriage that luckily got annulled. Just an absolute train wreck.

 

At about 4.5 years-Decided it was time to get my shit together. I have been in long term recovery from opiates for 8 years this February. 

 

I have had a few 2-3 year relationships. In a relationship now with a wonderful man (going on 3 years)- Marriage is NOT on the horizon anytime soon. I like our situation just the way it is. 

Maybe when my kids are grown and gone, maybe not. Who knows if I will ever remarry?

 

Renewed my teaching license and picked up a few extra endorsements. Moved the kids back to my childhood hometown. Teach at the high school my boys attend. Honestly, my life is right where I want it. I still talk to DH everyday in my mind, usually about the kids. My relationship with DH is in a good place. I was angry as hell the first 4 years which also helped fuel my addiction. If I have learned anything, its that every situation is unique with unique circumstances.  

 

 

[Captains wife]

For me, it will be 8 years as of 2020...I almost cant believe it. I had a baby at home when my husband suddenly died and I am a working mother and had moved to a town where I didn't know anyone and my immediate family lives in another country. Its amazing how far many of us have come....myself, I transformed from being a very angry widow (who felt at times she was losing her mind) and who struggled with single parenting and her son's issues, then dating and having some bad relationships (where in hindsight I put up with too much) to being someone who has become really strong and I love being a mother (even though its hard on my own). I set boundaries with people (including the guy I'm dating) and I focus on my son and I leading generally happy lives despite all the crap we have been through. Im amazed how much I can juggle for one person!! I also maintain a relationship with my ex-in laws so they can see my son on a regular basis. I still have growing (and improving) to do but for the past few years, I felt I have a much better handle on my grief and single parenting. Have been able to focus more at work and have been doing well there as well. Devoted a lot of time to developing my own new social circle, through dating but also establishing new male and female friendships and I am happy I put the effort into this. I still miss DH too (especially recently again) and my son and I talk about him regularly, but in a positive light and I am so impressed how well my son has adapted and how he handles our less than optimal situation.

Edited December 30, 2019 by Captains wife