Having a very tough time as milestones approach

[CHM1988]

Hello all. Haven't posted on here in a while. 

 

In two weeks, I turn thirty. I lost my boyfriend, Christopher, to a bicycle accident in 2013. We had been together for 2.5 years and lived together for about a year and a half. I thought we'd get married (also I'm a gay male just for clarity's sake).

 

Just about six months after he died I entered into a serious relationship which turned out to be a mistake, it was a very tumultuous relationship and I was too fragile in the beginning to see the signs of what would happen. There was definitely a part of me that thought this guy would keep me safe, and that somehow if I could make him happy and give him everything he wanted, it would make up for the loss I had suffered. I wasn't thinking about myself or my true feelings. We moved in together and it turned out the person I was with had some serious anger issues that he refused to acknowledge, let alone address. I certainly didn't act perfectly throughout the relationship, but I know I didn't deserve a lot of what I dealt with. After trying really hard for almost four years, I left him. So much of the second half of my twenties were comprised of grieving over Christopher and dealing with constant fighting with my now ex. Also during this time I was working on my career and I now have a steady but sometimes stressful and aggravating full-time job. 

 

I've been on my own for about six months and I was doing okay but lately it feels like everything is catching up with me as my birthday is coming up, and then in November it will be the 5 year anniversary of his death. Maybe I was foolish not to anticipate this, but I've been reflecting on my 20s so much as they come to an end and it has me really messed up. I've been crying every night for almost two weeks. I've been back to "bargaining", just wishing I could talk to Christopher one more time, imagining him coming through my door and comforting me when I'm alone.

 

I'm going on a ten-day vacation next week to visit friends and celebrate my birthday in California, and I don't want to be feeling this way, constantly on the verge of tears, when I'm there. This feeling also makes it hard to keep up with life now that I'm single and living alone. Things like cleaning, managing money, all that day-to-day stuff can feel incredibly overwhelming. I was really looking forward to turning 30 and putting my incredibly difficult 20s behind me. I still am, I just wish I could shake these feelings.  I feel like all I can do is trust that I will come out on the other side of this but for now it's really taking a toll. Sometimes crying can be cathartic and good, but it's been lasting too long at this point. 

 

So, I don't know, I just needed to vent. Hugs to all of you. 

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I listened...

 

It is hard to be this far out (the 5th anniversary of my second husband's death is in January) and to feel like life is in limbo.  It has only been in the last few months that I feel like some of my life is finally coming together again.  We often have ideas of how our life will progress...and when our dreams are shattered, it can be hard to find hope for future happiness.  I'm glad you detached yourself from an unhealthy relationship.  That is the beginning of another round of healing.  I have been quite impatient myself with the time it has taken for me to regain my footing over the last 4 1/2 years.  You are working toward that yourself...and milestone dates might be making this feel overwhelming.  Your 30 year old cohort doesn't likely understand life as you do; however, you have learned some life lessons that will make you a good friend and partner long into your future. 

 

For now...when the pain has rebounded...cry as you need to cry.  Channel the memories of the love you had with your beloved Christopher.  You know in your heart what he would tell you right now.  Go have fun with your friends.  Let them distract you from your pain and get through your birthday and vacation. 

 

Hugs...and Happy Birthday!

 

Maureen

 

 

[Mizpah]

CHM, I've been meaning to respond and was at a loss for words.  Know that I'm thinking of you.  It's a lot of compounded feelings and grievings, a significant time for you.  I was just reading a book that talked extremely briefly about philosophy and the idea of "suffering into truth."  I hope that through this suffering, there's some silver lining or soul sustenance you find.  Thinking of you and wishing for good things for you.