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I am not fine.


DragonTears
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I've missed most of the summer because on the weekend, I've been either sick or not wanting to leave my apartment.  I sleep a lot and I was going to a lot of doctors recently to figure out what's wrong.  I've had anemia in the past.  The doctor thinks I have sleep apnea, but I don't really believe that.  Since my mother passed, I am alone almost all the time on the weekends.  There is really no point to accomplishing anything, because I don't seem to be able to move forward at all.  I've just been stuck for so long, that I think I'm just accepting that this is my life now.  I was a caregiver for 26 years and now this is what I end up with; a life of being alone and not being understood by even my own family.

 

I tried calling my sister three times this weekend.  She always says that she has phone problems, but this has gone on for so long, I think she just doesn't want to deal with me or have me in her life.  I tried getting on Meetup to meet people, but on the weekend, I just can't get myself going to shower and get ready to go and see complete strangers, who will probably just think I am weird or something anyway.  I have lost my confidence, gained weight and I have a jaw problem that was caused by my abusive father.  All of it just takes away my confidence.

 

I'm writing this, not because I expect any answers.  Just lonely today, I guess.  In June, it was 9 years since my husband passed.  I finally took a day off work yesterday.  I haven't taken any real vacations in six years.  I spent yesterday looking at urns for my husband and trying to make a decision on one.  His ashes are still in my apartment.  I haven't been able to let them go.  Maybe that's what is holding me back.  Honestly, I can put on a good show at work and people think I am fine.  I am not fine.

 

Funny thing about all those urns I looked at;  the website said they were guaranteed for a lifetime.

 

Edited by DragonTears
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I just want to let you know I hear you and am sending some virtual hugs your way.  I know you said you don't expect any answers but I was wondering if you have spoken to a doctor about depression. It sounds as if you have a lot of things you are dealing with at once and trying to "act fine" only helps for awhile.   (((Hugs)))

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  • 2 weeks later...

When I get into a funk like that I try to find something to focus my attention on. Whether it's a house project or learning something new. I think the key there is change. You need a change. The hard part is getting started. 

 

What about a gym or health club membership? You would be doing something just for you while interacting with others. A lot of gyms offer different classes you might be interested in. Focusing on improving your health would build up your confidence too.

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