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24 hours. Whew. I miss my husband, but I'm relieved he's not suffering anymore


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Well, I'm new here. It's been 24 hours, I'm guessing, since my husband passed. I was up with him until about 6:45am, pushing the pain pump every 30 minutes because his breathing was so fast and he was sweating profusely. I dozed off about then to the sounds of his breathing, and woke up at 9am to silence. He was cold then, so I really think it must have happened just after I fell asleep. He looked very peaceful, and I think he passed without any pain or fear, which is what he wanted. 

 

(This turned into something of a novel. Yall don't have to read it all, it was just very helpful to write it all out. Can you believe this is the brief version?)

 

He had stage 4 colon cancer with mets to the liver, and last week, July 28, was the 3-year anniversary of when he first was sick. It took another 3 months to diagnose it properly. He was first sick and hospitalized suddenly and very unexpectedly, just 3 days after reenlisting on George Washington's back porch overlooking the Potomac. What followed were 3 years of determination, difficulty, love, and all the feelings in-between. I feel grateful he had even that long, his disease was very advanced from the beginning, and he had pretty much every complication and "this would be rare but you could experience ___" along the way. Two months ago, he was hospitalized with a severe infection, and was moved to hospice care. The following week, he ended up in hospice house, sedated, and I didn't think we were going to get him back. But he did come back to us. I'm grateful for that time, but I'll always wonder if it was really worth it overall. I selfishly think it was... but if we thought the prior 3 years worth of treatments, complications, and surgeries was rough... boy was he just warming up for the final game. 

 

The last 2 months have been agonizing, even inhumane. On days we thought it couldn't possibly get worse, it did. He had a fistula open up on his pelvis, and it grew and grew, creating a huge, draining, open wound. Then another one opened up. He was in such pain and felt so weak, and it got to the point where if he wanted to move from the bed to his chair or back, I would physically lift him into and out of the wheelchair to do so. Meds, around the clock. Eating tiny amounts of food, only to vomit it back up and feel awful afterward. Developed severe mouth sores so intense his tissue was swollen and he was barely able to speak, and couldn't really drink anything besides water, or eat anything besides yogurt and pudding. His liver must have been failing, because his body backed up with fluid, and his left side, down to his toes, was heavily swollen, including his testicles. He was convinced the tumor had spread, though I do believe it was fluid. He experienced so much fear and pain. To finally, having severe chest pain that came in waves and made him feel as though he were choking. That was Friday, and he made the decision to begin sedation on Saturday morning. Apparently doing that at home isn't really common here, but we were insistent because it's what he wanted.

 

We were able to say our last words to one another, our kids snuggled up to him and spoke with him as well. He had no regrets, and told me he was not afraid to be sedated and was not afraid to die. He felt as though it was time and he was looking forward to that relief of suffering. I stayed with him the whole time, and expected his stubborn nature to drag this on for possibly a week or more. I feel incredibly relieved that it was not the case, and that he went just exactly as he had hoped. He waited until we were all sleeping, until nobody was fussing over him.

This doesn't feel real. It feels like someone else's story, and everything is kind of hazy right now. I'm not in shock, this wasn't traumatic or a tragedy. This happened in stages, especially over the last 2-3 months, and we were very prepared for this moment. Or I should say "I" was very prepared for it. Maybe I'm going through the motions. I know grief will hit me like a freight train at some point. I'm very good at compartmentalizing, and I have to keep my shit together for my little boys. I'm what they have. My mother and sister in law are falling to pieces around us, so I don't have a person to really lean on, not in the way that I'd feel the boys had what they needed and I could have the freedom to lose it. I don't feel as sad as maybe I should though. I just feel extremely relieved. Like this was a big exhale, as we've been holding our breath since he went into the hospital on our anniversary in May.

 

As to the next steps, I do feel a little overwhelmed. I didn't even remember that we're supposed to do an obituary. I guess I'm supposed to do that? I may as well, I guess. (Does anyone even read the paper anymore?) Planning a service sounds like a big scary monster, honestly, and since he donated his body to Science Care, we don't have the help of a funeral home to guide me through this. So I get to wing it. I do have some of his wishes for his service written down, so that will help, and it won't likely be until mid-September. Financially and emotionally, it makes the most sense to wait until then. I have never even been to a memorial service. I'm thinking it will be like a sad'ish, ridiculous party, something to honor my goofy and amazing husband. There isn't a person he's met who doesn't have a silly story about him. He was a bright light everywhere he went, and he'll be sorely missed by so many.

Okay, I usually don't write quite this much. Way to go over my time limit, yeesh. Anyway, hello all.

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Hugs to you. You have been on a long roller coaster and you just were able to get off of it. I am sorry you lost your husband but glad it was in a way he wanted and that his pain is over. Definitely pull a brave strong face for your kids but also don't be afraid if you need to cry or break down in front of the them. Yes, it will distress them but it's healthy and normal and the. you can talk it with them to help them understand how you feel. I found trying to maintain routines for them helped everyone in the long run.

 

The memorial can be what you want and what you and your children need for closure. There is no wrong or right way, just what works for you. 

 

Hugs again and vent and talk all you want. We are here to listen. 

Edited by Julester3
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So sorry for your loss, Sunsetmojito. My husband died of Stage IV kidney cancer so I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. We had a memorial that included pictures, my husband's favorite music, his artwork, a memory box for people to write down their precious moments with him, along with a lunch in a clubhouse setting. It was a nice easy going setting. He wouldn't have wanted us to be sad. We obviously weren't happy but we made the best of it. My kids were 5 and 3 at the time. It took me a while to breakdown. It was a blur in the beginning with a side of did this really happen??

 

You are in the right place. We will hold you up. We all get it.

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Welcome to our family.  I'm so sorry you had to join in.  There is a lot in your story that I can relate to...the vigil with a sedated/comatose spouse in his last hours, making decisions to give him more sedative medication to assure his comfort and likely hasten his last breaths, knowing that he is no longer suffering.  I have said before that I was very prepared for my (first) husband to die...but not prepared for him to be dead.  My husband died in the hospital, and I went home a couple of hours later, walked in and sat on our bed and said to myself, "This is the day I have dreaded for a long time.  It is here."  It just isn't possible to anticipate how you will feel once he is gone.  The hours and days and weeks will evolve from this point and unfold as they will.  It will be a sad walk for quite awhile, but I assure you you will get through what you need to get through.

 

I'm glad you found us.  Things I wish I knew on Day 2:  Drink a lot of water in the coming weeks.  Eat when you can, sleep when you can, love on your kids, and take whatever help that is offered to you.  Try to be patient with the people who say things that are insensitive (they are doing their best in an uncomfortable situation).  If you feel comfortable, tell those close to you what you need from them.  Let them take care of household chores, entertain your kids, and help you with anything from preparing pictures, making sure your bills are paid, or coordinating all the people who are wanting to cook meals for your family.  Respect the grief of your husband's family and others, but don't let them run all over you or try to get you to part with his property.  This can always wait until later when you are more ready to move his shoes, throw out his toothbrush, or give away his favorite jacket.  You might be comforted by the presence of items that were his...or not.  You are the rightful owner of his property now, unless he expressly decided otherwise.  Protect your home as your sanctuary. 

 

Read here, post to your heart's content.  We have all been in similar shoes, and we are alive to witness to our survival.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

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About a year before my DH passed, I had a friend (who was a widow) tell me that when he passed, I would feel relief, and that I shouldn't feel guilty about that.....  Well... She was completely right - I was relieved... and I felt hugely guilty.  But it was nice to have that confirmation from someone else - that relief isn't something to be ashamed of...  I don't wish my DH dead - I wished him healthy and happy...and he wasn't going to have that in this life.  

 

Blessings of peace to you.... You'll make it - one day, one step, one minute at a time.  

 

 

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