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cyndidd

Four years, next week

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For the past 6 months, I've known that the 4-year deathiversary is coming. And now it's just around the corner. Every day that it gets closer, I feel like I die just a little more inside. Just 9 days left. Nine horrible gut-wrenching days. The laundry stacks up, the dishes are ignored. I only have the energy to sit and watch tv. I sleep in every morning. Fight to sleep every night. 

 

I didn't think it would be this hard. He was unhealthy. It was just a waiting game, knowing he would pass some day. And he did. In his sleep. An easy way to go. But rather than be glad that he hasn't suffered these past four years, I feel abandoned. He left me. It's the only (very illogical) way that I can see it. I want the 16th to be over with. I want to see it in my past and be able to breathe again. Unfortunately, once that one passes, then I have the 29th, our wedding anniversary. August just sucks. 

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Hang in there. My WIFE and I wedding anniversary is today and her bday is the 13th. I feel you sister... August does sucks!! 

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It’s strange how I find the lead up days more difficult than the day itself. I don’t know why this is but seems common enough that I guess I feel ‘normal’ in my reaction. 

 

And yeah, the illogic of feeling abandoned when he had no desire to leave me...grief is so...weird. 

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