Angry, guilty, sad

[Sc39]

It has been 18 days since i lost my husband. He had abdominal surgery, which was supposed to have been a success, but a day after he was discharged, he died suddenly at home. I feel angry at myself and guilty for not being able to save him. I should have seen that something was wrong instead of asking him over and over. He was a doctor so i thought he would let me know if he needed to return to the hospital. I blame myself....if i had called an ambulance an hour earlier maybe he would be alive today. The house seems so empty, although i hear the children playing and my family are moving around. There is a huge, gaping hole where his presence used to be. The pain is a constant, dull ache. I can no longer focus on thoughts of him. I think my mind is becoming cloudy to protect me from the immense pain. According to the psychologist, i will never be the same, but i will learn to adjust. I don't want to adjust. I want my life back, just as it was. 

[Bunny]

I obsessed, for months, on all the ways I let him die. I was fortunate I had friends willing to listen to my guilty confessions on how it was my fault he was dead- over and over again- the ways I was a bad wife...it was my way of processing, trying to make some kind of sense of, control of, the life that was gone from me forever. It took me a long time to forgive myself for letting him die, to realize it wasn’t actually my fault- and a longer time to forgive him for dying on me. 

 

For me, widowhood is like being shot straight into a parallel universe- I felt so removed from this world. You do eventually figure out how to navigate your way through, it just takes practice and time and patience. And a whole lot of heartache, I’m sad to say...

 

Im so sorry you need to be here with us. 

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs to you!  This is so fresh and incredibly painful.  I worked in health care and didn't recognize that my husband was in heart failure - apparently for months.  He died in his sleep without apparently realizing anything was wrong with him.  I have come to realize that we all have done the best we knew under the circumstances we were in.  If you or your husband  had suspected that something was seriously wrong, you would have done something different.  If I had any inkling that my husband was in heart failure, I would have strongly encouraged him to see a doctor.  But...he was a fully competent adult - and your husband a doctor - and they didn't know. 

 

As far as living with this...it will be hard for awhile.  I still talk out loud to my husband on occasion and ask him why he had to die.  We may not like it at first, but over time, we adapt to the life we have in front of us.  For the time being, just worry about today...or even the next hour.  You have made it through 18 days.  You will make it through the rest of them, too.

 

Keep coming here and writing to your heart's content.

 

Maureen

[RyanAmysMom]

Just wanted to share that I too felt responsible for my husband's passing - He died while we were on family vacation, and it was very sudden, dramatic, public, and traumatic....   I (still) deal with "shoulda's" and self doubt - but when I put my rational mind in control, I clearly understand he was very sick, and in fact, shouldn't have lived anywhere near as long as he did - and that each day was a gift.  

 

All I can say is that as you transition from the emotional shock of what happened, you will have more clarity about the situation.  Be kind to yourself.  Don't let guilt win.  Hang in there!