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Everyone else is moving on


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Tomorrow will be three weeks since my husband suddenly died. For the first two weeks, there were lots of friends and visitors. Sometime during the third week, most people stopped coming. Life is moving along for everyone. I can see the expectation in some of them....time to pick yourself up. If i was not so broken i would laugh at the absurdity. How exactly do i normalise when i have suffered one of the biggest losses known? I am lonely to the depths of my soul. The person who made me feel on top of this world is no longer in this world. The man for whom i had three children is no longer here to kiss and hug them. They will never be able to shout out "daddy!" when he comes up the stairs.

There are some hurts so deep that they are inconcievable unless you experience them yourself. The next time someone hints that i should move on after only three weeks, i will tell them "yes...because death will come to us all....you or your husband will one day die. The other will be left to mourn...three weeks and i know you will be fine."

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Hi, Sc39,

 

Sadly, this has been the experience of a lot of us.  People go back to their relatively uninterrupted lives and we are left  - still quite stunned - and the world keeps going and we can barely figure out how to breathe.  There is a metaphor that I have heard that brings this home for me.  When our someone close to us has a serious illness or death, it is like having one's house burned down.  The firefighters come and put out the flames and the community rallies and then the firefighters go back to the firehouse and wait for the next fire.  Firefighters are so critical and they provide a wonderful service, but they don't have the kind of resources/resourcefulness to keep up that level of involvement in our situation.  Then...there are the builders.  They are the ones - and many fewer in number - who are there to walk us through the difficult process of rebuilding.  These people are particularly precious, because they have the patience and strength to walk with us through the long process of grieving.  To find someone - family members or friends - who can tolerate the discomfort and our tears and our fickleness, and the angst we feel - these people are gifts to us.

 

One of the reasons that a website like this exists is because most people we know do not know this kind of pain and they truly cannot fathom it.  WE didn't know what it was like before our spouses/partners died.  Some people have a greater capacity for empathy than others, and so some people who have not walked in our shoes manage to figure out how to offer support.  In my experience, people have needed direction in order to be helpful.  I have been widowed twice - and I had the wonderful gift of having good widowed friends when I lost my second husband. I had also found my voice and was able to speak to people, offer somewhat gentle correction to their misconceptions, and I was much better at telling people what I needed. 

 

You may find that you will need to find your voice.  is there someone in your life that you can be frank with?  Someone who can handle your emotions?  I was comfortable telling one of my friends that I was overwhelmed with offers for food - and that person then passed on that information to others.  Before I went back to work after my first husband died, I met with my boss and asked her to speak to my colleagues to tell them not to ask me how I was doing (the answer was "crappy"), but also to not walk on eggshells around me.  When my second husband died, I actually stood up in front of his faculty and students (he was a professor) and I told them I hoped they would talk about him, tell me stories, and even cry with me.  That helped other people to grieve his loss in a healthier way, too.

 

I imagine that at this time, all you can do is relive the last weeks and days and hours of your husband's life, try to keep your kids fed, and grab whatever sleep will come to you.  You should not be expected to be okay right now.  Moving forward consists of getting up in the morning and doing whatever rote activities you can accomplish, making small decisions, pinching yourself to realize that this isn't just a bad dream, and making it through each hour.

 

Hugs to you...keep reading and writing.

 

Maureen

 

 

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Sc29 - Maureen always says things the best - I just wanted to commend you for reaching out, for finding the words....  

 

I remember that third week - it was horrifying....  and the loneliest of any time ....  

 

You're about to ride the worst roller coaster you've ever experienced - just hang on and know that it will even out <eventually.....  >

 

 

(You might find some peace/relief/commonalities in the "F*$& You" thread.....  in the 6-12 months board....................I always find that it makes me feel less alone in what I'm experiencing.)

Edited by RyanAmysMom
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  • 2 weeks later...

Well said, Wheelerswife.

 

SC 39,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's 12+ years for me but I still remember very well being at a father's day family get-together (Cathryn died in early May so maybe 6 weeks out) and feeling completely alone. Mind you, this was with my brothers, their wives and children and my parents - my immediate family, the people I felt most comfortable with my entire life. It was nothing they said or did, simply that they were okay with their lives. The loss of Cathryn didn't seem to affect them.

 

You will continue to run into people who have all sorts of "great" advice about moving on, etc. They really don't understand (we called them DGI's - Doesn't Get It). Right now you are running on empty and you don't need more stress so my advice to you and everyone is: recognize that it will happen, that they don't mean to be mean and that there is nothing you can do to make them understand. Don't let their words cause you more grief. Just let it wash over you; ignore it. There may be times when you need to find your voice, as Maureen said, and gently remind someone that their advice is not welcome, but try not to stress out when you hear these things.

 

In the words of a widow who was far wiser than anyone I know, "Be gentle with yourself." Take it one day at a time and understand that it WILL get better.

 

Mike

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  • 1 month later...

Wheelerswife's advice is 100% right - the firefighters and the builders. And Mike's advice about 'be gentle with yourself'.

At the time I got so angry and resentful. The people saying these things could go home and cry in their lover's arms if they felt sad. But the one person that had my back and the only person that could make me feel better... he was gone forever. 

At 11 weeks out, one of my family members asked "aren't you over it yet?" Breathtaking. I hid my pain from then on because even the people that loved me most could say such cruel, thoughtless things that actually made me feel worse and more alone. My 'best friend' disappeared after a few weeks because 'the pain is too much'. His best man promised at his deathbed to take care of me for him... never saw him again after the funeral. Abandonment is hard. 

Hiding my pain, pretending in front of the people that I should have been able to be honest in front of... I didn't handle it well, or with grace. 

So, my lesson, which I hope helps... forgive yourself. Don't hide how you are feeling for the comfort of others. Other people that knew him are also going through their own pain. You are in such raw pain that every single thing will hurt - even things said or done with the best of intentions. You are surviving the most horrendous time of your life. Do what you need to survive, including stepping away from people that are not helpful in your survival right now. They will still be there later if they are the right people. Your contacts list and address book changes. People will leave your life, but others will step up or come into it. Your mind and body will find all kinds of ways to try and cope with the unbearable pain - including converting it into anger or depression or passivity. You can survive this alone. You will come out stronger and more compassionate and more appreciative of what really matters in life. 

I'm sorry for your pain. 

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