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Tatianakm

Triggers in public places

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Flying for business this morning, everywhere around me are the happy vacationing families with small children, so exited to get to their destinations...

I keep clenching my jaws in the effort to not to reduce to tears, thinking how my little girl is missing out... I know, total self pity here.

Feeling this way took me by surprise, I thought I learned how to not spiral out; it’s been 2 and a half year, wtf! Sitting in the airplane, short of sobbing uncontrollably, hopefully they won’t unload me. 

Thank you for listening...

Edited by Tatianakm

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I've had similar feelings traveling, I know what you mean.  Vacations are always a memory-making time with family, and we will never make memories again with our lost partners and it stings, always will.  I was away for a work conference that my wife used to attend with me and this most recent trip often went to bed early when everyone else was starting to party, very unlike me, but it just didn't feel right going out, still when it felt like she should be there.  This was 1.5 years after my wife passed.  Had another person ask if I brought condoms with me to the conference in case I picked up someone there, as I was by myself.  The physical intimacy is great, but not what I really am looking for without the connection with someone.  Not judging anyone who is comfortable with that, it's just not how I am wired. I had a couple cries that week, even though I was in a beautiful place with lots of friends, grief is a long process...

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I think most of us with children will tell you that the quickest thing to bring us to tears is thinking about all the things out kids miss  out on now that they have only one living parent. It's not self pity, it's grieving for the future that you thought they -and you - would have. 

 

And it sucks when it pops up unexpectedly. 

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My son and I had a "moment" yesterday - My father's birthday is today - so I was shopping for a birthday card for "dad"... and I realized that my son won't get to do that ever again.....  We looked at each other, thinking the same thing, and both welled up in the grocery store.....  I HATE those moments......  

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