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Dating after Loss: How soon is too soon?


stawcie
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I’m curious... how long did you wait to start dating after losing your spouse? I know everyone is different, and everyone’s grief is different, but I have started thinking about my future, and how I’ll learn to date again one day. It’ll be a year since my husband died in November.

 

What “signs” in your life did you notice that told you you were ready?

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Welcome to Widda!  You have a question that a lot of people think about. I was 6 months out after losing my first husband when I met my second husband. We were married a year later. That is definitely on the quick side. We were not “dating” when we met. But we just clicked. He was also widowed.  It has been 4 1/2 years since my second husband died and I am just now starting to consider dating.   That is a 4 year difference in the same person!  

 

I don’t know if you are looking for advice, but I would tell you to listen to your gut, protect your heart, and just be safe. 

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

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I feel it depends on your life situation, how you've dealt with your grief, and if you feel you want a relationship. For myself, I initially didn't want to date but as time progressed and I understood myself, my needs, and what I would want, I was open to try. Please note I never dated as an adult. My LH was my high school sweetheart. I never had to date to find companionship. I started dating at 1 year after LH passed to understand how modern dating works. I mistakingly thought being open minded and giving every guy a fair chance was a good thing. It wasn't. Men felt it was an opportunity for free unattached sex or to find a way to take advantage of you. One guy even asked me for money thinking I may be loaded with insurance money. Ew. I learned how to be much more specific in what I wanted and what was important in a man and what I would and would not compromise. I felt online dating would work best for me. I found free sites didn't work because of what I mentioned so I switched to a paid site with filters you can customize. I did take breaks here and there in my journey because it's all very mind blowing or overwhelming at times.

 

The good old news is I started dating a gentleman earlier this year in late January and we have since committed to one another. We are happy and we are figuring things out. It can be complicated since he's divorced with young kids and I have 2 teenagers, one in high school and the other in community college. We sort of are in different stages in our parenting so we are content in just enjoying one another. Is he anything like my LH? He is a different personality. Yes, he's kind, brunette, and likes Star Wars but that's about it. I've assured him I don't compare him to my LH. I love him for him. I'm grateful for the time I had with LH but I require love and affection and hugs and intimacy. So that's how I felt I was ready. Sorry this got long. 

 

 

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I started dating about 5 months after my late wife died. I suppose the signs, as you put it, I noticed were;  I was able to look at other women “that” way and wonder if I wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with her, I no longer actively ached for my wife, things like that. One of my boys, the 9 yr old, also was pushing for to start dating. That probably fed into it a bit too. 

 

It is important to have your head on straight before you dive in to the dating scene. Dating can be difficult and if you aren’t ready or do it for the wrong reasons, you can make a mess of it. On the other hand, when you are ready and approach it with your eyes open, it is great fun and one of the ways to get your new life started. 

 

Have some fun and, if nothing else, meet some new folks. 

 

Good luck! 

 

Mike

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I joined an online dating site about 9 months after LW passed away, went to supper with a couple women before meeting a woman I really liked.  We went on about 5-6 dates and I thought we were really hitting it off.  I was surprised when she called things off, saying she wasn't having the feelings she needed.  I was disappointed because we had become quite intimate (which is a big deal to me).  It was my first time really dating someone in 20 years and was a good lesson to take things slowly and remind me of what I wanted and what I valued in relationships.  I went out with a couple other women in the past year on a few dates and made myself take things more slowly, which felt more normal for me.  I thought I was ready to date at the time, but I was still going through some of the stages of grief for sure.  It's over two years now since LW passed away, and I only feel like I've really found myself again in the last few months. I haven't dated anyone since February and am fairly content with this.  I let my online dating subscriptions run out.  If I meet someone where there is a spark, fantastic, but I'm not really searching anymore and feel happy.

I have a teenage daughter who was very anxious about my dating, so that plays a role as well in how much I date.  If I meet someone I really like, I will pursue it, but I don't want to be leaving my daughter all the time to be dating a different woman every month.  Things will have to get very serious before I bring a woman to my home where my wife and I lived our whole lives together (it will feel strange to me and my daughter at first for sure).  I may be over cautious, but I don't want to cause my daughter to be anxious by bringing home a different woman every month, I also feel this doesn't set a good example for her for when she starts dating.  

I guess all our considerations are different.  The things I miss the most are having someone who knows you inside out, having someone to plan and do fun things with.  The physical part is lonely sometimes too, but I can live with that.

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I was definitely not ready to date at 6 months when a guy from my distant past came back into my life.  Talking to him for a few weeks on the phone I started to feel like I wanted give it a try and go on a date with him.  Emotions progressed pretty quickly but it was a tumultuous start as my children and I still navigated some heavy grief.  Luckily he was patient with my situation and we married last fall just after the 4 year anniversary of my late husband's passing.

A happy ending for me but not what I would recommend!  I still can't say I've really dated as an adult, I met DH when I was 19 and fell right into a relationship with current DH who I had known when I was 18.  Falling in love so quickly complicated my grief and caused as much stress as joy in the first year and 1/2 of our relationship.  

We are all unique and I don't think you can really know if you are ready until you try.  Be cautious, take things slowly, and be prepared that the dating world is a whole new game!

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stawcie,

 

In reading your post and all the replies I think there are really two things to consider - when are you ready to date and what to watch out for when you do start dating.

 

The calendar time is completely unimportant. Shortly after my wife died, a coworker told me that she met someone  three months after her husband died. They ended up getting married and were together 15 years later. Definitely on the short end time-wise, but it worked for her. I guess she was ready (she was still grieving her husband at the time but her new man helped her through it.) For me, I started thinking about it about a year later. I've known widow(er)s that took several years before they started dating. Some emphatically state that they never will!

 

Only you will know when you are ready. To me, the important thing was resolving conflicting feelings - guilt, feeling unfaithful to her memory, loneliness (as the sole motivator to date). Once I came to terms with what I was feeling (and what was bothering me), I was ok reaching out. I was still working on my grief, mind you. I still missed Cathryn and had good and bad days. But at that point, I had reconciled her death and that I was still here and had a life to live.

 

When I did date, I thought I was perfectly fine and equipped to deal with anything that came my way. Thing is, the emotion of finding another person that you connect with can overwhelm your logical mind and allow you to do things that aren't really in your best interest. What I mean is, we are still fragile emotionally and it is easier for us to get our hearts broken, or to be taken advantage of. The elation of finding what we think is new "love" can cloud our thinking.

 

So my advice is when you do start to date, TAKE IT SLOW. If the guy puts pressure on you, exhibits too much jealousy (we all can have some - just not too much, ok?), asks for money, or a dozen other things that do not come from LOVE, then take a step back and think about it before you do anything.

 

That you are thinking about it tells me that you will be ready someday - probably not too far off.

 

Mike

 

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Very well said MikeR!  It's been 5 yrs for me and I'm just thinking about it.  I've been asked out and politely declined.  I just wasn't ready.

There is so much I miss about being in a relationship and yet so much I miss about "our" relationship......... I need that clarity before I go there!

 

Edited by BrokenHeart2
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Some great replies here. One of the best indicators of this question was someone who declared her readiness was "when I had more good days than bad ones". There is something to that, whether you're 6 months or 6 years out. There's a lot of truth there.  To the OP I would ask, are you social in your everyday life? Happy to get together with friends and family? People you've know before and after loss?  Or feeling a void that you're hoping some unknown person can fill. Someone who is healthy and able to bring a new person into their life, and able to handle rejection if for whatever reason is doesn't work out, may be ready to handle "dating" and all it entails. You didn't say, and it's ok, but do you have children? Would they in any way be disturbed by your bringing a new partner home?  Young children may be completely fine with this; older ones possibly not so much. In no way would being less than transparent with someone who's just lost their father would be OK. Others have different viewpoints.

 

Wishing you the best in any case, and welcome to the forums!

Edited by calimom
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39 minutes ago, calimom said:

In no way would being less than transparent with someone who's just lost their father would be OK. Others have different viewpoints.

 

Heres the another viewpoint: kids (depending on their ages, of course) aren’t equipped to deal with their widowed parents’ dating lives. They don’t necessarily need to know, and it’s perfectly okay for you to be non-transparent about what you do on your own time.

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i started checking out online dating sites at about 10 months out. I was getting the "push" from friends and I figured I would dip my feet into those murky waters.  I had never dated as an adult-met my DH when I was 19.  I had a few dates and nothing sparked my interest but it was nice to know that I could go out on a date and hold up my end of the conversation.  It really wasn't as difficult as I had imagined it would be.  At 13 months, I was on a new dating site and a man emailed me.  We hit it off right away and will be celebrating our 6 year wedding anniversary on Sunday.  We had 6 kids (youngest 16 and oldest 26-all at home) and a dog and somehow we blended it all together.  

 

I always knew that I would be open to dating and settling down again.  I think the cloud was slowly lifting when I met my new DH.  I knew I was ready when the idea of it didn't totally freak me out anymore.  This adult dating is not for the weak ones.  LOL

 

Good luck 

Pat

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm still not sure where I am at with this...

1st of all I have been widowed for a little over a year, (not married but in a long time relationship for almost 20 years). Obviously its been over 20 years since I even thought about going on a date with anyone other than my better half. It seems things have changed dramatically with meeting people so I don't know how to really approach this. Last year I was encouraged to get into one of the online sites "Just to meet people" and get out of the house and not be by myself, or depressed.

Fine... I think I'm beyond that now however, I still seem awkward with the online situation(s). Best way to explain is to say I'm not with the times (meaning I don't text) so apparently without knowing I have been "ghosting" . Not really sure about what that means to me but it does mean maybe the new way to date is not for me. With another person I think we would, or only could be friends because there is a lot of "incompatible" ideas about having a relationship & she doesn't seem to appreciate that I have a good relationship with my better half's family.

If this is what I have to got through with meeting people I might as well stay by myself for the rest of my life...

Again I just don't know where to go from here...

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  • 4 weeks later...

I am about 4 1/2 years out and I started dating at about 1 year after my husband died mostly because friends and family pushed and set up dates for me so I could get out of the house and meet people.  But these dates never led to anything else.  I was so busy with my kids and still adjusting to my new life that I had little time to hold my end of anything let alone a relationship and often found myself trying to bend over backwards to make it to the movies or dinner or drinks because I had so much going on with my 3 kids and work.  Last year I promised myself that I would no longer do that, that the next guy would just have to "fit" into my schedule and the dynamics of my family and I was at peace and okay with where I was at in life at the moment (me and my kids).  Then months later I did meet someone and he fit!    We now live together.  Some people might say it's too fast but I'm happy and my kids are happy.  Everything we do just feels right, not rushed not forced and for me that's when I knew that I was ready. 

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