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The pain is constantly with me


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It has been 26 days since i lost him. The shock is over now, but the horror, disbelief, ache, loss and pain persist. Life is empty. I dont know who i am without him. We were a team... a partnership. I am like an incomplete puzzle. I do not want to see people because i know in their eyes i will see what i am trying to avoid: that only half of what i was is left. There is so much i miss. It could fill volumes. I have been reading blogs of widows....all end happily when the widow finds a new love and moves on with her life. Are there no widows who move forward without a new man? I want to know that i can move forward and live a normal life one day with this pain, and not necessarily with someone else. And yet, i feel horrible for even hoping to be able to do this. If i can exist with the pain, or if it subsides one day, does this mean i am betraying him? When one loses the person who is her soulmate, should she ever recover? Maybe my pain should remain as a testament to my love....maybe it is awful to hope it will one day mellow. 

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You ask so many good questions. You are in deep pain and at this point, it all feels so overwhelming. When we lose a spouse/partner, we do lose that part of us that was a part of a couple. I know I miss this terribly, but, in time, I have come to the place where I don’t want to live only in the past. Some widowed people don’t want to find another partner in their lives. That is okay for them. Others find that they don’t want to live alone or without a partner. That is okay for those people. 

 

I recently told a widower friend from Australia that it does nothing to honor the memory of his late wife if he doesn’t try to live his own life to its fullest. Living life fully means different things to different people. 

 

Right now, your job is essentially to just keep going. Remember, honor, grieve, read, write, love your kids, just put one foot in front of the other. You will eventually be ready to ponder other questions. Take your time. There is no prescribed timeline for any of us. 

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

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Sc39, your words speak exactly the things I have felt and pondered.  I am only 45, and life without my soulmate (who passed away on June 2) feels like looking across a thousand mile desert with no joy in sight.  On the other hand, he is the only one my heart desires, and I would rather miss him every day for the rest of my life than "move on."  There is NO moving on.  Chad's sister and I were talking yesterday, and the word that felt right to me was "transformed."  We will be forever transformed by the incredible loss of our loved ones.  We will never be the same.  But that word "transformed" implies that we won't have to stay cemented in this moment or pain, but will learn to keep going and to carry our loved ones with us.  Maureen is very wise to say that our beloveds would not want us to stay rooted in our suffering, either.  When I am really hurting, I think about what I would want for Chad if the roles were reversed, and he was here and I was gone.  That helps me to be easy on myself, or at least see things somewhat differently, because I would only want good for him, whatever that looks like for him.

 

Take the time you need to find your way forward.  I made myself a promise that I wouldn't do anything major for three years.  Why three years?  I don't really know other than it just felt right.  And in three years I will decide if I need more time.  Giving myself a timeline helps me feel more in control of my future, and now I don't have to worry about anything other than trying to figure out how to live this life without half of my heart and soul.  

 

I am reading a book called "When Your Soulmate Dies," and listening to a book called "Imagine Heaven," both of which have been helpful as well.  All the best to you.  We are here for each other!

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Sc39, my heart goes out to you.  I had the very same thoughts and feelings as you.  I am now over 2 years since my wife passed away at the age of 39 (I had been planning a surprise 40th birthday party).  I echo what Wheeler's Wife said in that you can only put one foot in front of the other for now.  I had the feeling of complete emptiness, lack of joy or hope for well over a year.  It felt like there was literally a hole in my heart, brain and stomach.  I had an ulcer for over a year, pains every day in my stomach.  My wife had been sick with epilepsy and other cognitive issue for 12 of our 15 years of marriage.  When you've found that special person, you tend to map out the future, the progression of your children, travel, future retirement etc.  Then that is all gone in an instant.  It's incredibly hard to process, impossible to live in the moment for a long time.  My head was in a fog for over a year and a half.

I also felt that missing half of who I was, tried to figure out my identity again.  Good advice from the others in that you know your partner would want you to live a happy, full life, even though we are not ready to feel happy for a long time.  Also good advice not to rush anything or make any big decisions for a while.  I don't think any of us "move on", I think it's a terrible phrase (which I had to tell my mother not to use).  But we can learn to live with the scar and see what is ahead of us eventually.

 

Hugs, Paul

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I think I am okay with moving on because I view it as progressing in a direction. The phrase I hate is "getting over."  You never have to get over it but you have to accept it so you can empower yourself to move on. 

 

Hugs to you. My first 3 months were terrible but I pulled through because if I was not well, it effected my kids. You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time and reflection. Only you can determine what you need and no recovery is exactly the same. I needed to find peace and calm. I needed to find my individual identity since I was changed. I needed to learn to identify and reorder what my goals and priorities now were. It wasn't until I found these things and figured them put that I knew needed a person for me and realized my LH wouldn't want me to live the rest of my life without affection. 

 

Hugs to you. Be gentle to yourself and keep going. We are all works in progress - just traveling in different paths, at our own paces. 

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