This is not common

[Sc39]

Before i lost my husband of 10 years who was only 38 years old, i did not think such a thing was possible. In my country, most young people die because of accidents, or crime. This is what the news report anyway. I am sure other young people die of health related issues, but i don't know many. This is why i feel like i am in an alternate universe, one in which i have been marked for misfortune. I work in a place with over 150 people, and only one person has lost a spouse at a young age. I am a rare exception to the rule that spouses generally live long enough to see their children grow up and reach adulthood. I don't want to be the anomaly. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want my children to be the ones pitied by other parents when they are in school. Yet here i am. 

I don't know why i am the one who was dealt this losing hand in life. I was the one who everybody envied....i had a brilliant, handsome, successful husband and thriving, happy children. Now i am the one pitied...i pity myself so it isn't hard to figure that others pity me now. It is a difficult transition to accept. 

Everybody says life is unfair, but it generally refers to finances, or to childlessness...this is a different level of unfair. It is unfair that my children and i have to experience pain of an unbearable and torturous level. It is unfair that i must now worry about finances every single day. It is unfair that i am singly responsible for parenting. It is unfair that i must one day re enter the world and face all the complete, happy families and couples in love. 

Widowhood is not common. Not where i am from. And not at 39. 

[Toosoon2.0]

I'm so sorry you have had to join us here but I am glad you found the message board.  My husband died when I was 40 and my daughter was 6; we had also been married only about 10 years.  That was about 5 and a half years ago.  I'm not sure where you are in the world but culturally here in suburban America, I found that people REALLY couldn't deal with my daughter and me after his death.  We were very obviously considered to be "those poor people."  Sometimes I even saw people whisper about us - they weren't very subtle about it.  Once I accepted that most people just simply don't know what to do with a 40 year old widow and her 6 year old, I forgave them for it and gradually started to build a new life.  

 

I just wanted to stop by and say I hear you, that it does (it really does) get better over time and you will find your way.  It just takes time.  I know it's hard to believe right now that anything will ever get better but it does.  Be kind to yourself right now; you will find many empathetic and wise voices here on the message board.  A good first step is that you're reaching out.  Sending you support; please feel free to send me a message if you'd like to talk more.   Christine

[shayla]

I can relate to this. I just lost my husband almost 2 months ago. We were married for 15 years. He was only 34 years old. I'm having a hard time dealing with the unfairness of it too. He was supposed to walk our daughter down the aisle on her wedding day and he was supposed to teach our son to be a man. I wish I could say something to help but just wanted you to know I get it.