We desperately wanted a baby

[dottiedevi]

I'm the youngest of all my siblings and have watced each and every one of them get married and have children. I have always been involved with my nieces and nephews and gotten them gifts, etc. I rarely get a thank you or even just an acknowledgement. When my fiance passed away, none of my siblings (except one - who emailed me and included lots of emojis) reached out to me.

I feel like my parents see me as not that interesting, not worth investing time into because I don't have children. They spend a lot of time with my siblings because they have kids.

My fiance and I desperately wanted to have a baby together. I was expecting at the time of his sudden passing and I lost the baby shortly after he passed away from the stress and pain I was going through. That felt like the final straw. I wish I had a part of him here with me. The pain and agony is so intense. I have actually had people say to me "It's for the best because now you don't have to raise that child without their father." WTF!? I quietly nod my head and go on with my life when this stupid nonsense is said to me, but afterwards I feel full of rage and anger. Who are they to judge that it was "for the best"? It just makes me so angry. I wish I had his baby. For many years I was with him I would tell him we needed to wait until he had a stable job, etc. Now I regret all of that. I wish I hadn't waited at all. I was trying to be responsible. But now I'm just a broken mess alone in the world. I feel so empty.

 

He would send me texts telling me how he couldn't wait to see me holding his child and that knowing I was carrying his child was the best feeling in the world to him. It hurts so much that he is gone. He told me he just wanted to know we could have a family of our own. Knowing that he will never get to have that kills me. He would have been a wonderful father. Very caring and nurturing. I don't understand why there are dirtbag fathers walking the earth who are not around for their children, but my sweet and caring fiance had to die and never got to be a father.