Traumatic circumstances - therapy isn't helping so far

[dottiedevi]

My fiance passed away under traumatic and sudden circumstances. On top of that I'm dealing with other things: we were arguing the day he died, I was in another country, his family spread his ashes without me, and oh .. I was pregnant and miscarried after he passed away. He had an autopsy (for me personally, this is something I struggle with knowing that this happened to his body. In his country it's a law that it must be done if someone dies of unnatural causes). I am now in his country. Trying to get answers. I started seeing a therapist. This is my second attempt. Second therapist I've seen since his death. Yesterday was the second session. I've made a list of things that bothered me... there were some things she said.

She keeps trying to tell me to go see a doctor and get on antidepressants. I'm not ready to make that step right now. She questioned me on it. I sort of feel like she doesn't know what she's doing and hasn't dealt with traumatic grief herself, so how can she help me? She made some comments that really upset me. I shared something personal with her (last emails between me and my fiance) and the conclusion she took from it was totally OFF and what she said has me so upset.

She is also already flying out the door to leave the office for the day after each session when I'm standing at the reception desk paying. It makes me feel like she can't wait to get out of there. It doesn't sit well with me at all. I'm not sure what to do but I'm feeling very hopeless at this point. It sometimes feels like no one wants to help me or deal with my BS. I miss him so badly and I just see no point to a lot of things anymore. Life is no longer happy for me at all. In fact, there is no happiness anymore. I feel alone and lost.

 

Have any of you REALLY found help with therapy? In my case I'm pretty sure I have PTSD and complicated grief. Sometimes I feel like when I tell people the circumstances I'm dealing with, they don't acknowledge the trauma of the situation. Like this therapist just kinda knodded her head and said "okay."

[Portside]

Dottie, so sorry for your loss.

 

Therapy can have great benefit but it has to be a good match. My kids and I benefited greatly from seeing a therapist early on. It's obvious you don't care for the one you are currently seeing. She annoys you and you are rejecting her advice when it is given. Perhaps she is not the one for you. 

 

I understand you do not feel ready to see a doctor but there is no harm is visiting one and seeing what he has to say. You've said yourself you are a bit of a mess - well, that's where some unbiased advice may be helpful. If you don't need any meds he won't prescribe them but, on the other hand, a little something may take the edge off and then help you to deal with the swirl you find yourself in the middle of. Especially if you have PTSD - but you won't know that unless and until you have a proper diagnosis from a fully capable professional. I'm a combat vet and spent the early days of my career treating Navy and Marine vets and their dependents for mental disturbances. Please, make an appointment with a Dr - if nothing else to put your mind at ease. 

 

None of this is easy so just take it a step at a time.  

 

I'm pulling for you!

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

[trying2breathe]

dottie   I'm so sorry for the loss of your fiance.  I lost my husband suddenly in a foreign country, and went through some unconventional ways to me, of dealing with his loss.  There is nothing right about the situation and if therapy is upsetting you more, it's time to find another therapist.   I did find a therapist, a widow herself,  it felt right to me and yes, it helped.  There are grief and trauma specialists, something called EMDR for trauma, I don't have experience with this but perhaps this is something to look into when searching for a new therapist.  Sorry to welcome you here, this has been a comforting place for me and I hope that it will be the same for you.  You are not alone - a gentle (hug) to you. 

[Captains wife]

Dottie - I too am so sorry for your loss and all the difficulties you have had to deal with surrounding his death. I think therapy is very helpful but agree it needs to be a good match, especially with complicated grief. My therapist was nice and I stuck with her but eventually I moved on as she wasn't helping me anymore. Your therapist doesn't sound like a good match for you so try to find someone else, maybe some specializing in grief therapy. In the beginning my therapist recommended anti-depressants (I definitely had PTSD given everything I went through with a sudden death, my life circumstances at the time and given the aftermath) but I don't think that's the answer for everyone. I personally wanted to take an alternative path to medication - which included altering my lifestyle, doing tons of exercise, changing my diet + therapy. It didn't solve everything but I felt I got my emotions under control (for periods of time).

Edited August 27, 2018 by Captains wife

[rooshy]

Hi Dottie - I'm very sorry for your loss.  You should move around from therapist to therapist until you find the one that's most beneficial.  I don't think that medication is the answer and that you need someone to talk to - I just spent 3 1/2 years working for a behavioral health practice and have seen the results when a client has someone to speak with.  For me, I got the most benefit by joining this board and talking with fellow widows/widowers.  You need to do what's best for you.  

 

Good luck and hugs to you.