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Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?


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I am currently in a committed relationship with a wonderful divorced guy (divorced 8 months although separated for 2+ years) who has a son (and 50/50 custody) and he has been pushing more recently in terms of me making a decision about taking the next step in our relationship (moving in together or potentially marriage). We have been dating almost 2 years but live over an hour away from each other so we don't see each other that often (1-2 times a week, have been on holiday together with the kids a few times). He is really a lovely man (in many ways one of a kind and we have a lot in common), and our sons (who are only 1 year apart) really enjoy their time together. BUT there is something holding me back and I am non-committal about the future - and I honestly don't know what is driving this. I know some people out there will say - well, you must not be in love with him if you don't know what you want the future to look like. I don't agree with that (and I don't fall in love easily) and am just trying to figure it out - and have a new therapist to help me through some of these feelings.

 

I LOVE seeing all the wonderful re-coupling stories on here but I just cant get there - and I can tell he is getting frustrated with me. I feel very hesitant which I think is attributable to a few things: 1) that I was never really a person that was super into getting married in the first place (DH led me to take the plunge), 2) NG's divorce situation bothers me and the way some things have been handled with this/his son really don't sit well with me (which we are both working on), 3) I've now been "on my own" with my young son for over 6 years now and getting used to it (and I have limited capacity to take on much else given I work full time too, especially as his young son is still dealing with the divorce so can act out at times), and 4) I think there are is some baggage/residual fear underlying this (from being a widow + other past experiences). My therapist thinks I am being wise by moving so slowly but others (friends, etc) seem to have other opinions. I think there is no rush - I feel I am still getting to know him, his son and we are too far on in life to consider having more kids. So my view is - what's the rush??

 

I know I am not going to let him push me into anything I'm not ready for and I will have to let the relationship go if he pushes too hard for me to make a decision over the near term. I'm posting this as I would love to hear from other widows/widowers that may have been at similar cross roads/have had similar feelings - and I'd be interested to hear what led to you to take (or not take) the next step with the new person in your life??

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My bf technically still has his own place, but pretty much lives with me. He did this v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, but I did have some feelings of discomfort along the way, like- why is he over here so much?! I was really starting to enjoy the freedom and luxury that is living alone. (But then, I’m basically a social introvert- I can go a week not speaking to anyone, then attend a party and be very happily social.) 

 

The thing is- he really wanted more time together and I wanted to make him happy so I let it happen and I’ve gotten used to it. I know that sounds unromantic to some, but I don’t see it that way. I notice this time around living with someone I’m much clearer with my boundaries and what I want/expect from him and from myself. I learned from my marriage what I liked and didn’t like. And, I dunno, maybe widowhood has made me somewhat aloof; maybe more suspicious of feeling someone is trying to control me? This is who I am right now, we’re all works in progress. 

 

I really wanted to be married when I was 30. I just don’t have that same ‘need’ now in my 50s. I could quite happily never get married again, even as I can also say this is the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with. He’s never been married and he would love to get married, he’s made that clear. But I have made it clear that the price of admission for being in a relationship with me is my total devotion to him without any formal commitment. So far, he wants to be with me enough to accept that. 

 

People ask occasionally, but I’ve never felt any real pressure so I guess I’m lucky there. I know there is the whole ‘life is short!’ school of thought, but I’m with you- there’s plenty of time, why rush into anything?! Just enjoy the here and now, be present and content with the joy in each current moment because worrying about the future can steal happiness. 

 

Or, just tell him- financially- you can’t get married until after 60, when you can then start to collect on your husband’s SS 😉 hey, every penny counts, right? 

 

 

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CW, 

 

My situation is a mess, and I truly go back and forth on this marriage thing.  NG and I have been dating  2 1/2 yrs.  And so much has happened. His custody battle on going, my mother's death last year, owning a family farm with 3 siblings, new job, new town.   I can be content, and then I am not.🙄

 

A friend from MS days lost her husband almost one month to the day in  a car accident in the state I reside prior to my DH's car accident.  She has been in a long term relationship almost 5 years.  I communicate with her some. I have FB friends divorced and remarried in the time I have dated NG. I began to wonder what was wrong with me. She reassured me.  NO hurries. Do what you want when you want.  She is financially stable as she owns part of a company with her brother, and her last kid started college.  It helped to know from a fellow wid who also has similar faith beliefs as me that it is "all good. " 

 

My point is it is messy for ALL the reasons you noted. All good. I just have to learn to live that, too. 😉

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CW    I relate to much of your post.  I was a reluctant girlfriend for the better part of a year, like bunny I found him at my house A LOT and wondered why he was around so much.   In the early days of our dating, I was happy for a pleasant time out with him and had no expectations. I felt ready to date, but it took time to get accustomed to the idea of having somebody in my life again.   Then I grew to love him, depend on him, enjoy more and more of our time together.  It's taken a long time to get to the point of accepting the relationship, it's a work in progress but it does feel good to continue to grow together with him.  The thought of losing somebody again frightens me, I think that I will carry this with me forever.  But I'm also happier partnered, and most of the time willing to take the risk that comes along with loving somebody again.  What lead me to continue to take the steps in furthering the relationship?  A good man that is extremely patient with me, that listens and is okay with the walls that I build and work hard to knock down. And he's accepting of the fact that I may never want to marry again.   We talk a lot about the issues that both of us bring to the relationship.  Communication has been the key to keeping us together and moving forward in a positive way.   There is no rush -  hopefully he can see this too, should you continue in the relationship.

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I think recoupling at a certain age is so complicated.  Divorce, exes, widow, kids, and the fact that we are all pretty set in our ways can cause a lot of doubt.  I went up and down and back and forth a million times before agreeing to marry my current husband.  He was ready much sooner than I was but the adjustment when he moved in was as challenging for him as for me.  Some of us are lead more by our head than by our heart and I am definitely an over thinker!

There is nothing wrong with taking your time, this decision not only affects the two of you but your children too so you want to be ready.  Continue to reassure him that you love him, keep working with your therapist and you will figure out what is right for you.  

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Oh my goodness this is a timely post. I was coming online feeling I needed to hash out this same type of thing with my relationship.I don't know what I want for my future I'm not good at self analysing. I think I'm in love with him, He's fun and caring, and we have a great time together. I've been trying very hard to go with the flow because I think my natural tendancy is to be too over cautious  and the relationship would never develop. Often the hesitenency has to do with how it will affect my children( young adults but not independent, still living with me, going to school etc)  Case in point... 8months back I would have been happy sending him home to sleep after our midweek dates because let's be practical, we were just going to sleep and get up for work. He wanted to stay...so I let him. See I was trying to let things progress and it became ok. ( but I know my sons feel more free around the house when he is not here)

 

Fast forward to this past month. He is working through a complicated divorce....a new business, an old business,  questionable ownership,some debt and a spouse that won't talk except through lawyers. I tell you if I loved him  only for his money I'd be hitailing it because this mess may leave him with nothing. I'm financialy sound so not worried about the money but what I found myself lamenting is that I'd started being able to envision myself joining him at his place(farm) and it was beginning to feel comfortable. Now all of a sudden he cannot even live on the property while things are being settled.and it may be gone permenantly after the dust settles. He assumed he would basically be able to move in with me. That doesn't feel comfortable. The thing is at my house I am not just girlfriend/partner , I'm mom. It's a whole different dynamic. When we are at his house I'm his partner. It's like I have 2 lives and they will not blend easily. In other words I have no problem being with him but not in my house......because it's my boys house too. 

 

His finances are obviously questionable right now so where was he supposed to go?I felt cruel telling him he couldn't live with me full time. So then he was debating renting a room from some friends  for a few nights a week and then some night at my place. Yikes I thought When do we get the relaxed "our time" in that situation.My answer to this dillema,, I financed the buying of another house by using a home equity loan. I'm buying a house that he can rent from me. I'll have to put in a couple of hundred a month as well. Why did I do it.?Because I need a place where we can be us and it can't happen at my place....

 

I think this will have to my existance for a while. I live two places.

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Maybe it’s just the timing isn’t right? That’s where I am too. Love my BF of a year and a half-see him about twice a week-we are exclusive..I want no one else. 

 

But it I would be a crappy wife to him right now...and he would be a crappy husband to me-We both have very complicated lives. Someday not now. You can truly love this man and not want marriage/living together at this particular time. 

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NG and I have decided to enjoy the now and be exclusive. Neither of us are ready for more than that with us each having kids, households, and careers to manage. He has the added complication with his joint custody of the kids with his ex.

 

Do I wonder what could happen next? Yes, I do. I have no clue though because we'd have to hash out many details and our conversations don't really go in that direction. However, I'm no longer a fan of planning too far ahead. I blame widowhood for ruining that for me. I have a distinct hesitation and fear of it. I also don't know what I am and am not willing to do or sacrifice. I sit here and I do recognize I care for this man and I do want him to be in my life. I plan to be patient and supportive for him and we can discuss more further down the line if it comes up but for now, it's enough. 

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Hi CW,  Blending our two families was and remains complex.  We were together for three years before we took the plunge of making a commitment to be together as a family, and it has been wonderful in many ways and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it has been and is a stressful negotiation. But having taken it as slowly as we did (as I'm sure you remember, this was by necessity not by design, but still), we were able to build a foundation solid enough to weather that stress and all of the complex negotiations and some pretty uncertain, unpleasant times in the two years since.  If something is holding you back, listen to it.  There's nothing wrong with taking it slow.  And there's also nothing wrong with deciding perhaps that you'd simply prefer not getting married or not co-habitating at all.  In some ways, we had a lot more fun when we weren't under one roof with our lives now so inextricably intertwined  - going from a family of two to a family of five with, at the time, four sets of living grandparents on two continents was no walk in the park (it still isn't).  I wouldn't ever take our decision back; I'm just saying that things got a lot more complicated when we made that commitment.    

Edited by Toosoon2.0
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Thank you all for your responses - I was beginning to feel (given some of the feedback from non-widow friends and family) that there was something "wrong" with the way I was acting/feeling. I need to move very slowly and I know myself well enough to keep that track....I know part of this is that I don't have the capacity right now to take on a divorced partner and his young child (with quite a bit of family drama on that side) given everything going on in my and my son's life right now and I feel I am still trying to heal from all that has happened over the recent years.

Edited by Captains wife
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  • 5 weeks later...

CW,

 

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with moving slowly with great thought and consideration to what that next step will be. Things are so different in re-coupling, especially when there are kids involved. 

 

I long ago decided what was right for me and my kids was not to move in or get married until my kids are grown. This ended my first post-widow relationship. ExBF pushed me for four years to blend, but I would not raise my kids in his dysfunctional, drama-filled world. I am soooo glad I held strong and let that one go.

 

My NG and I have been together now for over two years. On date one, we both spoke to how we did not want to blend families. His second marriage ended in a failed blending attempt. NG and I have a wonderful, supportive relationship and I have no doubt I want to be with him for the long haul, but living together will wait until after the youngest kid is out of the house. 

 

I have also fended off remarks from friends that it's strange I don't want to blend. That's okay, my NG and I are on the same page. Those same friends encouraged me to blend with exBF. 

 

Only you know what's right for you and your son.

 

abl

 

Edited to add there was a lot of drama with ExBF's kids and his ex-wife, as well as his mother. I would not allow any of that to touch my kids' lives. Did I mention how happy I am to be removed from all of that? :) 

Edited by Abitlost
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  • 2 weeks later...

I spent the weekend with NG and his son and my son. Some comments made by his son over lunch made me more confident I am doing the absolutely right thing in keeping separate households - given the still related divorce issues on NG's side. In a dream world we would all be one happy blended family but I am a realist and know what I can and cant put up with. My son and I have it figured out (6 years after my husband's sudden death) and we are generally happy and have figured out how to move on with our lives in a positive way (even if we are sad sometimes). Given the divorce issues on NG's side - moving in would make for a complicated and drama filled living environment right now. ABL - thank you for your comments, agreed that separate households can sometimes be the best for all.

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It's tough CW. I yearn for the stable, secure family life in which DH and I worked as completely dedicated teammates. We always had each other's back, took equal pride in our kids, and shared in the burden of challenges. The realization that that can never happen in any other relationship is gutting. Never again will my kids have two parents that have the same goals in raising them, or the cohesive energy of our family unit. I know you never got a chance to have that with your DH, and my heart breaks for you. 

 

My NG is a good sounding board for me and supports me in my only-parenting, but his priority is of course his kids. Conversely, I am removed from his parenting challenges, and have a wide eye as to what I want or don't want my kids exposed to. This I owe my kids. Happily there isn't much ex drama, but still our families have different standards, expectations, and values. I don't judge his, nor does he mine, but we are each doing it our own way and I'm good with that.

 

 

Edited by Abitlost
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On 10/9/2018 at 3:51 PM, Abitlost said:

It's tough CW. I yearn for the stable, secure family life in which DH and I worked as completely dedicated teammates. We always had each other's back, took equal pride in our kids, and shared in the burden of challenges. The realization that that can never happen in any other relationship is gutting. Never again will my kids have two parents that have the same goals in raising them, or the cohesive energy of our family unit. I know you never got a chance to have that with your DH, and my heart breaks for you. 

 

My NG is a good sounding board for me and supports me in my only-parenting, but his priority is of course his kids. Conversely, I am removed from his parenting challenges, and have a wide eye as to what I want or don't want my kids exposed to. This I owe my kids. Happily there isn't much ex drama, but still our families have different standards, expectations, and values. I don't judge his, nor does he mine, but we are each doing it our own way and I'm good with that.

 

 

I can relate to this. 

 

It’s becone a complicated juggling act...But I’m trying to make it work. 

 

Its ts too difficult trying to blend 5 kids (and his 24 year old irresponsible son now has a baby on the way)...his crazy ex, his needy Mom...My kids are teenagers-we are focused on grades, scholarships, future. It works best for us keeping it separate. 

 

Im a loyal loving girlfriend living separately from NG. I don’t see that changing for a long time. Right now I would be a terrible wife-and it would be way too much compromising on my kids and my part. 

 

 

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Finding love is easier than finding that let's live under the same roof kind of person. It's easy to be comfortable, perhaps there's nothing wrong with that. But wouldn't it be amazing to find that person, where we couldn't imagine not spending every day of our life with them! We had it before, I believe that it is possible to have it again!

 

Edited by Mac
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6 minutes ago, sudnlysngl said:

 

I miss that most of all. It is amazing when you have that in your life and with "that" person...… sigh

I think that it is possible to find that again. I do believe that we can have more than one "soul mate" on this earth. Finding them, that can be a different story, no guarantees there.

 

 

Edited by Mac
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I agree Mac, but I am finding this harder as I am getting older and a lot less tolerant of some things that others do. Like the lying, cheating, etc. You know the not so nice things that are ever so hurtful to another.... 

I find I just have no tolerance for those things, never did. Again, I sigh... Perhaps the loneliness is kicking in as the holidays approach or as the realization of what I had and what others have done. Who knows? sighhh…..

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I think blending with another person..well it’s that difficult-Just those 2 people. 

 

But it when you are mid life-for some of us...trying to blend 2 totally separate lives...with 3 teenagers..an irresponsible 24 year old and a preteen? 

 

Naw...not worth the headache for me. I’ll just enjoy the magic of being the girlfriend! 

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I agree it's the midlife complexities that make  the ideal lovelife difficult 

 

  "But wouldn't it be amazing to find that person, where we couldn't imagine not spending every day of our life with them!"

 

It's simpler when it is just two people...when there are 4 or 5 people in the mix it's hard to get everybody imagining spending all day together never mind everyday...even if two in the group are fairly infatuated with each other!

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Never dreamed to be here.  Like us all.  May need to learn to enjoy dating and companionship as blending families is so difficult with everything involved.  I had my ideal and am changing what that can be.  Yes, I desperately miss my life of committed dad-Mom and child (children).  And acceptance of that,  and there is no Brady bunch may be my best choice.  Keeping on.  So thankful for all the sharing.  My married and even divorced friends can’t grasp it well.  But I guess I couldn’t either if the tables were turned.  

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I really like this thread. I mean, not to take anything away from those who marry again- because I am truly jump up and down happy with each marital announcement- but it’s also important to acknowledge one can be truly deeply happy and content committed to another without those matrimonial bonds. This is a new, and relavatory, experience for some of us. It requires letting go of our past mindsets and accepting this new person we are becoming -and learning to like them. I adored being married. And maybe I’ll do it again some day, but I am really enjoying my current relationship with ZERO expectations of ‘where is this going?’ It’s actually pretty refreshing.  

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Thanks for all the helpful posts !  I asked my therapist what was "wrong" with me that I am in a relationship where I am not worried where it is going and in fact I am happy we aren't co-habituating. Does that say something about my relationship? (She thinks I am being smart about it, and practical but certain people in my life think its pretty negative). While I care a lot for this person - I just have different needs, wants and expectations in my 40s. I have been "on my own" for almost 7 years and while my earlier widow years were filled with missing being married, struggling with being a single parent, I got to a place where I like being on my own with my son. And my life is stressful enough that I am at capacity right now and know myself well enough that I know I can't take on a new partner's divorce and child raising stresses. Maybe with the absolute perfect person (the "same kind of roof" person - thanks Mac!) I would feel differently (I wonder that too)....but I also had some struggles with being married (if I'm honest) so maybe being a singleton is what I was meant to be : ) I am eternally thankful I have my son by my side....

Edited by Captains wife
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On 10/16/2018 at 6:23 AM, klim said:

I agree it's the midlife complexities that make  the ideal lovelife difficult 

 

  "But wouldn't it be amazing to find that person, where we couldn't imagine not spending every day of our life with them!"

 

It's simpler when it is just two people...when there are 4 or 5 people in the mix it's hard to get everybody imagining spending all day together never mind everyday...even if two in the group are fairly infatuated with each other!

On 10/16/2018 at 6:23 AM, klim said:

I agree it's the midlife complexities that make  the ideal lovelife difficult 

 

  "But wouldn't it be amazing to find that person, where we couldn't imagine not spending every day of our life with them!"

 

It's simpler when it is just two people...when there are 4 or 5 people in the mix it's hard to get everybody imagining spending all day together never mind everyday...even if two in the group are fairly infatuated with each other!

 

My daughter and son have both graduated from college, and they are both doing well. My parental duties have changed in the last couple of years. It certainly does make things more simple. 

Edited by Mac
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4 hours ago, Captains wife said:

Thanks for all the helpful posts !  I asked my therapist what was "wrong" with me that I am in a relationship where I am not worried where it is going and in fact I am happy we aren't co-habituating. Does that say something about my relationship? (She thinks I am being smart about it, and practical but certain people in my life think its pretty negative). While I care a lot for this person - I just have different needs, wants and expectations in my 40s. I have been "on my own" for almost 7 years and while my earlier widow years were filled with missing being married, struggling with being a single parent, I got to a place where I like being on my own with my son. And my life is stressful enough that I am at capacity right now and know myself well enough that I know I can't take on a new partner's divorce and child raising stresses. Maybe with the absolute perfect person (the "same kind of roof" person - thanks Mac!) I would feel differently (I wonder that too)....but I also had some struggles with being married (if I'm honest) so maybe being a singleton is what I was meant to be : ) I am eternally thankful I have my son by my side....

I read just the other day...about childhood trauma-and it mentioned that remarriage with kids (didn’t specify whether it was divorce or widow)..the worst time to remarry is between the age of 10-16. Something about adolescent brain development. It may just be bullshit study..but it said kids are more adaptable before age 10...and more accepting after age 16. 

 

But really every situation is unique..but my kids hit smack in the middle 11,14 and 15.😂😂😂

 

And NG has his own set of issues (crazy ex, needy Mom, druggie soon to be daddy son)... Actually my life is easier to manage than his. 

 

Never thought i would meet meet someone with a crazier set of circumstances than mine. But I found them. I’ll be a girlfriend at 70 I’m afraid! (Hey it maybe a good fit for me) 

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