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Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?


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  • 1 month later...

Captains Wife,

 

Lots of great replies here. As I read your post the thing that struck me is how you and your guy have interacted on the issue. From what you wrote, it seems as though he sees it as black or white - the only resolution for him is for you to agree to get married/cohabitate. We don't know his side of that (perhaps you do but it wasn't clear from your post), but it seems as though he is thinking more of his needs than yours. 

 

An hour apart does make it more challenging to see each other, but there are other ways to be in contact - phone, skype, etc. Not the same, but still better than nothing. My fiance lives about 40 minutes away and the drive there (or here) gets tiresome but we deal with it. We are waiting for my daughter to graduate H.S. and then we will get married and move to a new place. So our solution is to talk every day and get together every chance we get.

 

There are ways to progress the relationship other than living together. What about moving closer (him or you)?

 

An important question is: have you two discussed each other's needs and wants? Have you explained the reasons behind your hesitation? Has he explained his reasons to you? Why would he want to marry you if he knew you were unsure about it (regardless of the reason)? It's easy to say, but it's true -  communication here is key. If you two both want this relationship to be forever and you discuss each other's needs with love in your hearts, you should be able to find a resolution. It would help if you each put the other first as you continue to discuss this (isn't that an important component of love?)

 

Clearly, the reasons behind your hesitation need to be resolved within you before you move in with him. All the points you raised - being on your own, divorce issues, etc. need to be understood by both of you. With understanding will come clarity. Waiting to get married until these issues are resolved seems like the better course here. Hopefully, he will see that once you talk it out.

 

Mike

 

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi folks, I should chime in.  I married my GF a bit over three months ago.  She had never not been good to be with, whatever the situation, and getting together with her family last Christmas was so good I had a hard time not seeing her in my life.  When she started asking what our future was, I felt all of the delaying tugs - wait another year and the kids would be (might be?) off to college, wait another three and I would maintain access to Michelle's social security benefits.  But she was not at all inclined to "shack up", and that felt like it fit with who she was.  I found my first marriage meant so much more than I had first expected that I wasn't sure that shacking up would work as I wanted it, either.  And I also didn't feel like waiting for the calendar - I wanted to stop saying goodbye at the end of dates.  If the financial thing mattered more, or if it felt like she was not coming from a genuine place regarding marriage, it would have felt different.  I proposed near the end of June and we wed September 2, and I haven't looked back :-)

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Thanks again for all the great posts and support on here. I hosted my new guy, his young son and NG's mother (who is having a number of health issues) and his dog for the entire weekend so I could host a small birthday party for NG. I took everyone to a Christmas Festival on Friday, then birthday party dinner was on Sat. Overall, it was a fun weekend and NG really appreciated it (I cooked a full Thanksgiving type meal for all as that was his dinner request!)and our sons had a lot of fun playing so I was happy to host. However, his son really acted up on several occasions (fits, being rude, not listening etc) - both on Friday and Sat when he didn't get his way (or whatever else was bothering him). Of course you can expect young boys to act up sometimes - my son certainly does - but this was really quite bad and a real mood killer at times. He even acted up before the bday dinner (when I asked him to help wrap a present for his Dad and he was mad as he wanted to keep playing) and during the dinner (he didn't feel like sitting there). It made me realize more than ever that I am doing the right thing by taking things super slow with NG and not moving in, getting married etc. I couldn't live with that type of behavior under my roof and seeing how disrespectful he can be (including to me as well as my son). I am guessing this behavior is partially related to the divorce but its still not acceptable and I talked to NG about it as well - so they need to work on this. I get along well with his son but I think his son seems to still be exhibiting signs of bitterness about his parents not being together. On our side, my son is very respectful of new guy and doesn't exhibit these types of behaviors even if he did lose his Dad. He gets a little jealous at times of NG (lol) but we can move past it quickly.

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CW and RFTC,

 

Good points from very different perspectives.

 

I now longer feel this urgency to be under the same roof.  Like you, CW, there are so many blended family issues.  And until he has the dust settle after the next custody hearing in Feb., no major changes.  

 

So, am I losing my interest in NG with the reality of everything?  Just having an adult to spend some time with now and again is enough at this point?  IDK  

 

I knew I wanted my husband, even to the point of getting married 6 months earlier due to Desert Storm starting up.  Do you know with certainty at this stage of life?  NG and I have so much in common and really get along so well, but that is mostly our adult time or just at my home with my son. Add his kids, and it is completely different dynamics. 

 

I am taking it slow like you CW, but then, we know we are not guaranteed time. That is a fact.  My son is doing well despite his father's death, too, CW.  He is seemingly really well adjusted and making new friends, new interests, committing to things he could do for a life time.  A decent head on his shoulders, so far. I am very fortunate.  NG's kids are in this battle between the the parents and the oldest is difficult, 2 years in therapy now.   With wisdom and experience,  I seem to become more cautious which is counter intuitive with our spouse's deaths.  OY!

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In my dream world we would be one happy blended family under one roof but I am a complete realist. Not that being married, having kids etc is super easy and its not like I don't expect some conflict but its so different when its not your kids (and when another parent is involved on the outside). My son and I have been through so much but we have our issues much better worked out than NG and his family. We talk about things, we deal with things in a better way, we have our routine - its hasn't been easy but I can't take on a drama filled household and someone's divorce issues. I just don't have the bandwidth - and I know myself well enough to know that. I certainly didn't expect my family life to look like this - 2 households and distance between us but maybe that is how it has to be and maybe it is just better this way. In the old days I wouldn't have accepted this but as time rolls on I am more accepting that life doesn't turn out like you might have expected and that's ok. Our relationships can take the shape they need to to thrive and sometimes a single household is not the way to go.

Edited by Captains wife
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Thanks for the update.

 

I'm beginning to feel as you do. NG's beloved grandmother just died last week and she really liked me and loved that I make her grandson happy. She asked me to see her in hospice and I did. She wants me to marry NG but we just laughed it off. We have too many factors to consider if we were to marry and combine. I can see more negatives to the adult responsibilities: dealing with exes, kids, expectations on one another and of each other's kids, finances, where to live. It's better to maintain separate households and just enjoy what we can carve out. 

 

I would have also been an all or nothing girl like I was with LH as a young woman but experience and age has also changed me too and has me re-prioritizing what i feel is important. 

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Aw, thank you ladies. Nice validation.  

 

CW, I see so  much in your circumstances  as mine.  NG's kids do not need another mother, and NG definitely wants to handle his children as he sees fit.  And me giving two cents is with caution, because if they return to their mother and state something, well there is that.  Drama.  

NG has commented my son and I live like roommates. No, we just have developed our ways in almost 7 years living together, and thankfully, it works most of the time.  My son  is even becoming helpful with traveling and lots of chores and such.   He is 15, over 6 ft now, and strong.  So, there is that. 

NG is driven by being a divorced kid and then a stepkid. He has strong views of how to do things with his kids.  I am not there at all.     He wants his kids every second engaged with him. He admitted he didn't want to bring them to my house for him to watch them play video games with my kid, and certainly not in another room.  More and more keeps coming out about our parenting differences based on experiences growing up.  I can truly see your point in maintaining lots of things separately at this time.  

Edited by tybec
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Great discussion here.   Bad behavior from an SO's child would be hard to take when you feel that the behavior should be managed differently.  CW - it would be a stressful and unfair situation to be placed into and to try to deal with this.  To echo others, it's a very good idea to take things slowly.  

 

Kids grow and mature, thankfully,   That being said I've been careful and stand-offish with NG's adult daughters, perceive rude behavior from them that I feel should be handled differently by him.  I haven't offered my 2 cents to him, instead react to his daughters with whatever is happening at the time.  It's apparent that we will never be a Brady Bunch type of a family, as much as I'd like think that this could exist for us.  So I feel very good about keeping separate households and a having a committed life with him without living together.   Maybe some day - maybe not -  we will re-visit this, but at this point I'm content having my own space and keeping financial and family issues separate.  It's the only way that it will work for us right now.  Can we maintain our relationship in this way indefinitely?  Hmmm .....

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Terrific thread going on here.  I am going through so many similar issues.  NG and I together are great.  Both of us miss each other so much when we are separate.  I found a partner and I see a future if it was just us, but it isn't just us.  

 

 He has younger kids and visitation with his kids and battles with his ex sometimes drain me. His divorce isn't final, and it is draining.   My kids are older and need to move out on their own. I am telling my eldest in the new year. he has three months to move out. My kids are very slowly accepting him but what if they never do?  I have a step-thing I hate her. What if my kids don't want anything to do with me?  His Mother demands a lot from him and wants to move into a retirement home but there is a waiting list.  She wants us to live in her house.  That would be great, I could sell my house and walk to work.  What if one of my son's want to buy my home?  How do I make that fair to the other one not buying the house?  What if we do get married and then divorced, how the hell does that work?  What if we sell his Mom's house and my house and buy one together, would that be better?  

 

How can this be so complicated?  

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Reading this thread from "the other side" as someone who remarried and blended last year.  The concerns are valid with blended families.  We have had some difficult adjustments to make and it's not all rainbows and sunshine.  I have moments when I wonder if I made the right decision.  When he gets annoyed with my 20 year old for being, well, a 20 year old (he is moving out on his own next month so that will help).  When his ex is full on crazy and many trips back to court over custody and money.  When our ideas about how to run a household clash.  Holiday traditions.  Division of chores.  My frustration about lack of control in parenting decisions with his kids. Money.

But there is love, and intimacy, having someone to come home to and wake up to, having that one person who knows everything about you and loves you any way, someone to set the mousetraps and do the heavy lifting, someone to eat dinner with and discuss your day with, and someone to plan the future with.

I wish you all the best in this journey.  So many moving parts to consider and knowing that no decision will ever feel perfect.

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On 12/19/2018 at 2:26 PM, Needytoo said:

NG and I together are great.  Both of us miss each other so much when we are separate.  I found a partner and I see a future if it was just us, but it isn't just us.  

 

 

Yup ^^^   I'm wondering on a future with him, when it's super complicated with everybody involved.  In frustration, I suggested to NG that we take a break in December and meet up again in January - he didn't want to to do this.  When his young adult daughters arrive - they're here just once a year at Christmas time - everything changes.  I take a backseat to his children's and ex's schedule, am not included in the celebrations that he has with them.  He manages the best way that he can, and I feel the stress of him trying to accommodate everybody. 

 

I realize as his GF that I have no say in any of this - but I do have a say on whether to continue with him in this way.   sigh .....

Edited by trying2breathe
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On 12/17/2018 at 4:27 PM, Captains wife said:

In my dream world we would be one happy blended family under one roof but I am a complete realist. Not that being married, having kids etc is super easy and its not like I don't expect some conflict but its so different when its not your kids (and when another parent is involved on the outside). My son and I have been through so much but we have our issues much better worked out than NG and his family. We talk about things, we deal with things in a better way, we have our routine - its hasn't been easy but I can't take on a drama filled household and someone's divorce issues. I just don't have the bandwidth - and I know myself well enough to know that. I certainly didn't expect my family life to look like this - 2 households and distance between us but maybe that is how it has to be and maybe it is just better this way. In the old days I wouldn't have accepted this but as time rolls on I am more accepting that life doesn't turn out like you might have expected and that's ok. Our relationships can take the shape they need to to thrive and sometimes a single household is not the way to go.

 

There is so much about this i relate to. I had been wanting to get married for a while but now I'm becoming more of the "maybe if it were just us" camp. Lately I'm coming to terms with the reality that with the complications involved with his kid it's not the best idea. Our parenting philosophies are just too different. And because we have such different approaches (to his child, not mine, as he has no problem being firm with my child but that is off limits with his), i don't know about us all living under the same roof. It's one thing when both parents have the same rights, but different when the child in question isn't your own. I don't think i can handle a child i don't feel comfortable parenting in my home, even if it is just part time. The whole thing is exacerbated by the limited time he has with his daughter as well as his ex's bullshit; it affects his parenting and frankly upsets the routine DD, our dogs, and I have developed. I love him, i wish we had more time together. But there are things i just don't want to deal with. His child staying up way into the night because her life is so chaotic, or he feels guilty, while mine is an bed the same time every night sharp. Having another mother-in-law up in my business. Losing authority over what behaviors  or practices I consider acceptable in my house. For example, my dogs sleep with me; my child does not. Ever. If she is really sick or something i will go sleep on the floor of her room. My bedroom is my space; it's where i sobbed, where I've laid awake still in profound disbelief that he's dead. She has to ask permission to go on my bed. Do I want to deal with all of that, especially when it could negatively impact what is a very healthy and loving relationship? He doesn't think the divide is a big as I do, or thinks that if it is, we can work through it. I think we can, I'm just not sure living together or marriage ( we've already decided we would not cohabitate unless we got married as we think it wouldn't be good for our girls.

 

And let's face it - my last marriage didn't end so well, did it? I've been asked about our plans. His mother is particularly anxious about, in addition to not realizing i am now to old  to have more kids, while others, like BIL, MIL, and a few friends just seem mildly curious. None of these people has had to deal with anything remotely like my situation, nor do they have to live with the consequences, so i am not really interested in their opinions. 

 

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I will add my two cents on this topic. I married the ng. Both of us had our kids all grown up, yet he had lots to say about mine. I only have 2, he has 4. My parents are both dead and gone, and his mother was (she just died in may) a nasty bully to me, yet he was always defending her even when he knew she was wrong!

I "thought" we were on the same page 99.9 percent of the time, but it was all a big LIE! He was going behind my back to his mommy, plotting, lying, using me to take his anger out on his grown kids. Example: would tell them they weren't welcome because of me, when in fact I had no idea anything was even discussed!

I thought we should sell my house and "WE" should buy a house of "OUR" own, but his plan the whole time , or so he thought was to get my house from me!

He did put a wedge between my kids and myself for a time, he cheated, we were not even divorced 2 hours and he had a ring on his new girls finger and claiming he's an upstanding Christian in our community! And taking her to visit his parents out of town, yeah the church deacon. sons of bitches, oh did I say that out loud? They are getting married next month isn't that sweet!

I found in a lot of this so many things stolen, like some stocks, and other monies, credit cards ran up. I ended up having to sell my house that my dh and I bought and made into a home and I had for 26 years because of this jerk to save my credit and stuff.

so ladies some of the things you talk about just make my head want to explode!!!!

The red flags are everywhere flapping in your faces!

I agree that the loneliness sucks, I cry a lot at times, but damn girls there is thing called RESPECT! 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or mean, but I have said it before and I will say it again, DON'T SETTLE

A MAN SHOULD LOVE YOU SO MUCH HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! (gee I miss my dh so much right now)

His kids are going to grow up, then what? 

Of coarse he actually can live without you, but just doesn't want to, get it??

Ladies it's time to really test these men and see if they are in it for the love or just for the piece???

YOU TEACH HIM HOW TO TREAT YOU.....

Wishing all of you the best, I really really do....

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So much here!  

 

Quote

 I take a backseat to his children's and ex's schedule, am not included in the celebrations that he has with them.  He manages the best way that he can, and I feel the stress of him trying to accommodate everybody. 

Exactly.  The thing I looked for in a new partner, a great dad, is also the thing that is hardest to deal with, being a great dad by his standard.  He feels so much stress, too, when he knows he is letting me down as he he feels he cannot make everyone happy.  So sorry, T2B for the struggle. And you just had that amazing vacation.  

And the holidays are just ramping everything up!!!

SUDNLYSNGL, I am sorry for the pain and hurt your NG caused you. Devastating!  That is a whole new level of upset.

 

My NG is honest to a fault.  He has integrity.  3 years of knowing him, and it is there.  It is the blending, issues, parenting styles,  family of origin, parts not  in his control.  A lot.  We here have all had a tragedy, maybe trauma, to work through. Jumping into something with knowing there are LOTS of challenges is difficult as we have lived through such loss.  Weighing it all.  Choosing a different path than ever envisioned.  I am thankful for those that make it work, as that gives me HOPE.  I also know there is no perfection. I didn't have it before, so won't now.  

 

Good thread reading all different experiences and views.

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Tybec, the hurt heals as we all know. Like you, I knew this guy for over 2.5 years so I thought I knew him. 

I think my point here with some of the things are, like when I read things such as , some of you being left out of  holidays still after 2 years or more

not being able to share a vacation together with his and your kids because of the kids/ex

He being ok to be firm with "your" kid , but don't say anything to his.!

those are the RED flags 

 

 

 

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Ladies, in the interest of time since I know you are all very busy during the Christmas season, let me add my 2 cents using only a few words:

 

(This isn't for any one in particular, only for the crappy situations.)

 

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT?

 

BOTH of you should be actively working together to resolve any conflicts that may crop up. If he isn't, something is terribly wrong with your relationship. I get it is a rare thing to have no issues when dating again but wow, some of you gals are putting up with a shit ton of crap. And let's be fair, look inward also to be sure we aren't contributing to the mess.

 

If there is this much upheaval now, when everyone should be on their best behavior, there will be even more later when you all get real comfortable with each other.

 

I'd dump some of these guys. What's it going to take? Him telling you "I'm a dick/coward/child/not ready/whatever, you should leave me." Anytime you have to say to yourself "He's great when we are alone, but. . . . . .", it is a sign that he isn't The One. Move on. Go by the actions of a person - how does he treat you when you have a disagreement? It should still be respectful and done in such a way to try to resolve whatever is bugging you two.

 

Good luck but boy, this stuff makes me sad. Get out for your own good.

 

Best wishes and Merry Christmas - Mike

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Trying - thank you for telling us the other side. It was extremely helpful and reflective. I have someone who is willing to work with me on things but I just have a limit for how much drama I can take on. I am admittedly tired of being the one to set boundaries etc. when it comes to exes and kids. I have come to realize in particular with early divorces there is a lot to work out before they can move forward in a positive way for all. It can't be easy to balance it all. I think each situation is different and we all know our NGs the best. Cohabitating and getting married again doesn't need to be the only option. It's just such new territory for all of us after being married and truly co- parenting - and I appreciate this venue as a means to vent, share experiences and get different opinions. Happy holidays to all!

Edited by Captains wife
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@Portside, I like the way you think. Several years ago I worked with a woman who was rich with uncommon sense. She was not highly educated but knew more than many degreed coworkers. Some came to her to vent or ask advice on men problems. The stories were lengthy but all similar. Once the speaker came up for air my co-worker always gave the same advice. "You can catch the bus by yourself" 

 

That was her way off advising that if the relationship did not enhance your life, get out of it. 

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Good points here, all of them.   sudnly -  what an abusive partner,  I'd run fast from that too.  Sorry that he didn't show his full colors until you were well committed to him.   

tybec  I'm sorry that you also deal with the exclusion - it's not what I usually deal with and to go through this at Christmas with him once again is extremely frustrating.  For you to deal with this a lot of the time is so unfair.  

 

For me, it will be a decision on whether to move forward like this or not.  I realize that I contribute to this by refusing to have him meet my in-laws - Christmas Eve dinner they are here so he is not invited.  He will have a dinner with his ex, daughters, and other family - I'm not invited.  The next few days will be telling.  I called him out on being excluded,  he listened and then made plans for us all to spend some time together with all of our kids. It felt awkward to make demands, and I told him that I realized that I didn't have much of a say as GF.  He's trying to set boundaries, something new for him.   I hope to not judge his daughters' behavior, instead just see how he is with all of this. Christmas time brings on a level of stress that we don't deal with the rest of the year.  He's trying.  He does enhance my life, just not during the holidays.  I add to this mess too.  I feel like we're two people that are trying, but the dynamics are complicated.

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I wonder how much of this thread is 'just' venting (not that there's anything wrong with that, lol). Portside's post brings this to mind because all we mostly see here is one side. So yeah, a lot of the significant others don't look so great here and from the outside it seems like many are acting like louts. But the post immediately above this one shows that both sides can contribute to relationship problems. Not to pick on ya, trying3breathe, but it was refreshing to see you admit you are excluding him as well. Maybe others on this thread are culpable but it's rare for us (as humans) to admit our own mistakes, so as a result the NGs (not a fan of that term) look like crap and then everyone joins in.

 

Not sure what my point is here, but I often wonder how many complaints could have been made about first marriages while they were going on compared to the post-widow relationships we read about here. It seems that many hold their marriages as the gold standard that nothing else can measure up to, but maybe that's just the way I'm reading them. Or maybe it IS just venting...

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5 hours ago, Portside said:

And let's be fair, look inward also to be sure we aren't contributing to the mess.

 

Thanks, serpico - don't mind being picked on if taking a part of the responsibility can bring clarity for others in their situations.  I am part of the mess, maybe others could be too.   And yes, it feels really good to vent about it all 😀

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 I do get the compulsion to sometimes shake someone and say ‘don’t put up with this anymore!’ but at the same time life is messy and complicated and we are the kind of people who are used to working on our relationships unto death, yes?  And, really, are we all just supposed to put ‘childless or widowed only’ on our dating resumes? That just seems mean. Though, it would be nice if divorced people didn’t start dating until they had their divorce/custody issues all hammered out. It’s kinda like a widowed person dating before they’ve grieved properly, because in both cases a person can’t quite devote themselves to the new relationships as much as they should, their energy is still too much with the former partner. 

 
I’ve watched my divorced friends struggle with exes who refuse to put the child’s interests first, exes who treat button pushing as a beloved pastime. Of course it’s best not to engage such behavior, but sometimes that feels impossible. I’ve watched these friends sabotage their own happiness without even realizing it- which is exactly the point the ex is going for. All one can do is support them and help work on the solutions without becoming part of the issue- set and keep boundaries for ourselves. 
 
I’ve found my life gets easier when I stop trying to force things to be the way I want them. When I can take a step back and look at things without expectations and examine my part in the issue I can then move forward in a more clear-eyed way. Unfortunately, this usually doesn’t happen until I’m at my wit’s end. 
 
Also, something I’ve noticed about human nature- everyone thinks nobody can parent or load a dishwasher as well as they can. 
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