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Captains wife

Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

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Hmmmmm. . . .  I honestly didn't consider some of this may have been just venting.

 

You know how us guys are - someone says something and we read that as asking for a fix.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Love what Bunny said about divorced people holding off dating until they sort out their ex and kid issues - it seems a lot of divorced partners were in such toxic situations they want to jump back into the dating pool asap, which is clearly not the answer. I also really reflected on the point about "trying to force things to be the way I want them" - I need to take a step back sometimes and see things not just from my point of view. I feel like widow-dom has really toughened me up sometimes.

 

My NG said that he felt like his marriage was over years ago which is why he started dating soon after separating but I can see in hindsight that he needed a lot more time to work through the divorce issues on his side. (I originally said no to a date a year before we actually went out as he was only separated a few months and I didn't want to go near that situation - then I caved a year later as he was irresistible...ha).

 

You can never see the full picture from the rants and vents we post on here (and we tend to vent on the negative) - but where else could I post my crazy widow vents and be understood? :)   Honestly, the average person out there trying to start over just doesn't get it....not at all.....

Edited by Captains wife
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I'm venting again ! Just got back from 7 days away with NG and his son (at Disney).....well....my son and I had a good time (it is a magical place!) but it was such a tough trip and made me more certain than ever that I am doing the right thing by keeping our households separate. His son was very badly behaved (day after day except for a few hours on the last 2 days) and I don't like the way NG handles it, or him on many occasions - and it created ALOT of stress and a stressful environment for me and my son. (At one point his son was complaining it was more fun at Disney when his mum was there 2 years ago - sigh....and his Dad does nothing to quell that kind of talk. He just said "what do you expect me to do?!"). We had a couples session with my therapist before the trip to discuss how to handle tough situations (especially related to his son) but felt NG didn't adhere to anything we talked about. Unf as well NG's father passed away (not totally unexpected) in the middle of the trip so everything went downhill from there. I felt so bad for him but between the loss of his father (and NG's very heavy grieving) and his son continually acting up, it was too much - and I booked an earlier flight home on Sat as I needed to get out of this situation. I tried to help and support but I had enough of NG biting my head off (and it happened alot even though I was trying to help) and enough of his son acting up and being rude to me and my son (and yelling at his Dad). Right now I'm in full on support mode for NG as he is heavily grieving but we will need to talk about these divorce-related issues down the road. The key question I am asking myself is how much can I (we) put up with? I find all this really hard to deal with and triggering....Hope everyone else is ok on the blending side...

Edited by Captains wife

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Vent away! That stinks about the vacation. I would have done what you did in this situation - I'd have simply gone home. It's sad that you went to the therapist to sort of have a plan when conflict may occur but it seemed all for naught.

 

You can't excuse poor behavior no matter the age in kids. I can't let my teens get away with it and they should be old enough to know better but as humans we all have lapses. You always need to address it or give them a statement that if it can't be addressed at that moment that it will surely be discussed and not forgotten or forgiven. Failure to do so will gives the child belief that they have free reign to misbehave. I also vouch for consistency as well. I have drilled the same litany rule phrases into my kids each and every time I see the misbehavior. I just need to start the phrase, they finish it, and it completely changes the scene. We re-set and start again. I don't expect perfection in my kids but I expect them to be good, respectful people and to apologize when they know they couldn't keep it together. Your NG needs to be honest with his kid, set up boundary rules, and simply stick to them. If you are not allowed to "help", he needs to step up, intervene, and explain things to his kid. I think only you can judge how much you can take if NG isn't even trying to improve or compromise. Hugs and fortitude! 

 

With my NG, lately I have observed that we ask one another permission first when we see something we might want to comment on but we try to establish rules and boundaries for the situation or activity where our kids will be interacting together so they know the expectations. What works to our advantage are the ages of our kids. My girls are 15 & 19. His are 12 & 9. So our potential rate for tantrums are very low and they can negotiate with one another and resolve conflicts before we adults have to intervene. 

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Thanks Julester3 - your feedback was very helpful!  Id like to add that my son does talk about his Dad in front of NG and his son BUT NEVER in a disrespectful way- e.g. saying he wishes his Dad were here instead of them (like NG's son does to us) nor is he disrespectful to me in front of them (like NG's son is to his Dad - although my son does talk back on occasion lol). I'm also of the opinion that you need to set up rules and boundaries and follow through (and I try hard to do this) - that is lacking on NG's side I think - although he is trying but needs to make some changes or I think this situation will get worse. I am ok with temporary lapses but what I am realizing is that I am not ok with this continued poor behavior from NG's son that basically sets the (bad) mood for the entire group, especially on special occasions (like his Dad's bday, our Disney trip). Again, thanks for letting me vent!

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It was fairly recently that I figured out exactly what was holding me back from re-marriage.  I adore New Guy, we've been together a couple years now. He has zero savings for retirement, and is making do with social security and a part time job.  I'm a little better off, but certainly not wealthy, and we're approaching retirement age.  If we married, my savings would, at least psychologically, become our money.  He'd like to buy a place big enough to build a is barn and have horses, so his grandchildren could learn to ride when they visit.  His grandchildren live one thousand miles away, because neither of his children like this part of the country. Even if we moved, I can't afford horses. He'd like to buy a handyman special to fix up. We're in our sixties.  Last time I needed him to put some molding up around a door, the molding sat in the corner of the room for two years.  I put it up while he was gone.  It took about an hour, and part of that was learning how to operate the chop saw. I suspect that keeping my savings totally in my name and under my control after marriage would create resentment, and we'd be divorced in a couple years.

 

He means well.  He'd wade through a moat filled with alligators to bring me a glass of water.  He's not very practical, is all.

Edited by faye

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Faye, does NG have any inkling of what even one horse will run him?

 

Well, in any case, this, coupled with the idea of a hobby farm, seems to be an instance of divergent ideas of what is financially comfortable for the two of you. And, and I mean this nicely - unless he is an experienced contractor/builder, you're both too old for a fixer upper. I'm roughly your age. I've built three houses for myself and remodelled dozens of places for others. I know what it takes and I'm too old to do it again.

 

I'm sure you guys will resolve this but it just kind of made me say "Oh boy" and smile a bit.

 

Good luck,

 

Mike

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PS - I am super proud of myself and my ability to set boundaries (something I have learned over recent years). This past weekend, my son had a few Scouting events and I decided after our drama filled holiday with NG and given his son's recent bad behaviours that I just wanted to do these events with my son alone and then meet up with them for an event on Sunday. My son and I really enjoyed ourselves at these Scouting events, and we met more people and had literally no drama. We then had fun Sunday with NG and his son (for an afternoon). NG tried to make me feel guilty about my decision, was in denial about why I made such a decision (even though I have explained my feelings on the subject) but I didn't let him guilt me into changing our plans. It was a nice bonding experience for my son and I (we even did wood working together for the first time to make the Derby car) and it was so nice not to have NG's divorce drama invade our space for this period. Its not like I intend to do this always but, as he puts him and his son's needs first a lot of the time given the divorce, I felt I wanted to put my son's and my needs first this past weekend. It was super peaceful, bonding and I finished the weekend feeling happy and relaxed.

Edited by Captains wife
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Captains wife, I am also proud of you for setting and keeping your boundary! You and your son deserve that! I'm sorry NG tried to guilt you, but am glad you stood up for yourself. 

 

abl

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