Stuck

[Mangomom]

Hi all, i was an active poster a few years ago, then fellow the radar.  DH is gone 6 years and I have managed two failed serious relationships.  I can't seem to make a decision or a commitment to ANYTHING in my life this many years out.  I was able to hide behind my kids for a few years - "I'll get to me when they go to college"  They both just left for their sophomore and senior years at university last week and I am right back to the total bewilderment of who I am and what I want.  I have an albatross of a house that I can't commit to fixing or selling.  I have two wonderful exes who would still love to make it work that I just can't love "enough"  I think I want to go back to school, but nothing is interesting enough for me to pursue as a career.  You see the problem here?  I know only I have the answers, but I am once again reaching out to my tribe to get some feedback and maybe hear that I am not crazy, that you have felt this and there is a light at the end of this current tunnel :)

[rifatheroffour]

Hi I remember you, I'm at 5.5 years and also rarely post anymore. Somehow I've managed to get three kids off to college and the last has two more years till she goes too. I've had two almost serious relationships, well at least they were serious to me, that ended abruptly. I own my own business and it doesn't light the same fire under me that it once did but getting out right now would be disastrous. I love where I live. Very late last night, early this morning, I had the most intense wave of emotion and crying that I've had in at least a year. 

 

But...I also flounder with the who am I and what do I want!  Sorry no real feedback or promise of a light at the end of this horribly long tunnel. What I hope to say is you are not crazy though...otherwise I'm in the same boat. You definitely have two things right though, only we have or can find our answers and this is a good place to reach too when we can't seem to find them.

[twin_mom]

It's 6 years today for me. And while I am in a serious relationship, I too can't find something that catches my interest, ignites that fire. I was actually talking to NG about this last week - that I didn't know if it was an early midlife crisis (I just turned 44),a widow thing, or just a regular funk that people go though. I didn't  come up with the cause, but we decided I needed to try to find a new hobby or spend some time with forgotten ones...i may look into belly dancing classes as they're something I've wanted to try but never  made the time for. 

 

You're not crazy, just at a crossroad. I think pick a direction and see how it goes...

[Bunny]

It was six years in June. I mean, it’s not like the first couple years, by a long shot. And yet...well...I’m so ambivalent, even as I keep trying to do stuff to feel fulfilled and creative and productive. If I stop to examine things too closely, it all just seems pointless, frankly. And there is soooo much that still needs to be done, sold, fixed, etc. I have zero drive to accomplish these things; when I’m tackling this list it feels like I’m doing it while walking under water dragging anvils. But I keep getting out of bed, keep forcing myself to find the positive even when it feels hopeless and meaningless. 

 

 I have no kids and all my geriatric pets have died. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I feel like I’m still too f-ed up to be in a relationship, but we are both committed to each other. I have intense anxiety issues like I’ve never had in my life. Widowhood? Menopause?  Right now, Life does not feel short. But if you asked most people in my life they’d say I was rocking it. I’m lucky to be surrounded by so much love- it keeps me afloat even if all I can do is drift. 

 

Land has to show up eventually, right? 

 

 

[sojourner]

Feeling it too; it was 4 years in May. In the meantime... My body seemed to just crash; 2 major and 2 minor surgeries to resolve joint problems. Sold my dream house/little acreage and moved into an overpriced smaller house in a stiffling city subdivision to be near close family (one of whom was terminally ill; since passed 7 mo's ago).  Dealt with my own grief and depression along with that of my kids, alongside regular teen issues with kids that were maginified by everything we went through. Yadda yadda yadda... 

 

I'm finally getting back full mobility and fitness, kids' issues are resolving and settling down, planning another move (property taxes *doubled* in under three years; not kidding). I'm looking forward to moving. Wanting to develop more of a social life. But it's like I've worked so hard to get my family and myself to a more stable place in life that now I haven't got any energy left to get to a growth place in my life. Maybe it's just a phase, and I simply need a breather to process everything-from his illness and death all the way through to all the collateral losses to this point- before I'll be ready to shift from neutral into drive again. But for now, I feel completely unmotivated to actually do a darn thing.

 

I definitely hear what you're saying about feeling stuck.

[Mangomom]

10 hours ago, twin_mom said:

You're not crazy, just at a crossroad. I think pick a direction and see how it goes...

That’s just as scary!!  What if I pick wrong?

 

I’m kind of kidding, but this is always what my head says.  I absolutely miss having someone who always had my back, regardless the direction I picked.  It has really shook my foundation.

[klim]

I'm trying  the pick a direction and see how it goes and it is scary....

I don't know what I want,I'm not good at self analysing.....but when I go with the flow, I notice I get gut reactions to certain situations and use those as my guide. So I can't think ahead and plan my route but as I'm floating down the stream of life, I notice every once in a while I stick my hand n the water and paddle towards or away from something.

 

I have a NG in my life and he is way ahead of me on the let's get together plan. Sometimes I just let him guide us and I sort of try it on and see how it feels. Alot of times it's not as scary as I thought it would be but just lately he was working on the theory that he would move in to my family home.....That had a definite answer...love you but NO.

So I've picked a direction to see how it goes and done things that I haven't thought I was ready for but also trust my gut when the emotions are strong.

Tricky stuff this figuring out a new plan. Good luck

 

[Trying]

I'm 5 years out and before I was widowed I was a play it safe kind of gal, not big on risk or change.  I started making changes professionally and personally at about 2 years out.  It was totally scary but once I started one change led to another.  Most changes were positive but not all worked out and some I started with big intentions and just fizzled out.  For 25 years every choice I made was about what was best for "us".  For the first time as an adult I had to decide what I wanted for "me".  Liberating, frightening, confusing, exciting all at once.

[Lisa]

I'm in my 10th year now. I finally feel like the earth is under my feet. I thought it was many times over the years. But this is much better. For me, dating was a disaster. Until it clicked with the right person. My true friend. But really it  has  always been that way for me.