Days on repeat

[Sc39]

Each day i tell myself, "it will get more bearable". Each day i tell myself, "you will be productive today. The children need you." And each day i end up immobile, depressed, barely functioning. It is a bit over 5 weeks. The racing heart and shaking has stopped. Replacing it is an almost overwhelming, catatonic like depression. I can sit for hours doing nothing but replaying things in my head. I can lie on the bed for hours with no motivation or willpower to get up. I wonder what is the point of living such a life. I am neither dead nor alive, but stuck in a horrible suspension between both. 

I know that the more time passes the more i will be able to cope with this loss, but i feel myself sinking deeper into the hopelessness and not moving away from it. 

 

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[PaulZ]

I had a lot of hopelessness and felt like life was purposeless for a long time, especially after the shock eased off and the pain became less intense.  I'm over two years out now and just starting to feel like I've found my new normal, where I can start to enjoy life again.  I think it's very normal what you are going through.  Having to be there for my daughter was a motivator for me to keep getting through each day when I felt like I couldn't or didn't care.  Just keep making it through today for now, try not to look too far ahead.  Hugs

[Portside]

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I know that the more time passes the more i will be able to cope with this loss, but i feel myself sinking deeper into the hopelessness and not moving away from it. 

 

Sc39 - You're right, as time passes, you will settle back into your normal life. But I am a bit worried about your last statement. If you are describing yourself accurately, it may be beneficial to seek out some professional help to allow you to move past the depression you are experiencing. While feelings of shock and aimlessness seem to strike us all after the death of a spouse, depression and the feeling that it is getting worse can be made a little more tolerable with timely care.  Please consider reaching out for a bit of help.

 

I'm pulling for you. Mike 

[Sc39]

Mike, you are right. I am getting psychiatric help. I was prescribed anti depressants, but i am waiting a short while before starting. The side effects are quite worrying at times, i heard. 

[Trying]

5 weeks is barely enough time to start breathing again.  I found talking to a grief therapist to be very helpful, it was my safe place to get everything out and not worry about expressing my grief was effecting the kids or worrying my family and friends.  The side effects of antidepressants can be intimidating but aren't a definite, you need to weigh the possible benefits.  

 

Try setting small goals for yourself each day, write them down so you can check them off when you accomplish them.  They can be as small as "do a load of laundry" "wash hair" "empty the dishwasher" "walk the dog". Keep them easy to accomplish at first and then start adding bigger things to tackle.  

 

Time is definitely what is most needed but that doesn't mean we don't need to take an active roll in processing our grief.  Give yourself time each day to cry or yell and let it out and then get up and do something.  Knowing you give yourself permission to let it out again later or the next day can help you feel that it's ok to put your grief on pause while you tackle the basic tasks of the day.  Eventually you will be able to pause the heavy grieving for longer stretches and you will even find yourself smiling about something.

[Portside]

Hi Sc39. If you are worried about any possible side affects of your prescribed meds, talk to your Dr. right away. All prescription medications have possible side affects but those are usually a very remote possibility.  If the Dr has suggested them, take as directed please. If they are not for you, you'll know and then should revisit them with your Dr. and another plan of attack will be drawn up.

 

Please don't get caught up in what others say about your treatment. That is, don't listen to your hairdresser, SIL or neighbors about this. They are not trained, have not conducted a medical evaluation on you and really have no business medically advising you.  

 

My late wife routinely did not follow her doctor's orders concerning her meds or treatments. The outcome was disastrous.

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

[Toosoon2.0]

Two things, I didn't want to take anti-depressants but I had a very good and kind GP who helped me understand that it was something that would help me cope for now.  Emphasis on for now.  I took them for two years - one while my husband was dying and for the year after and then I stopped.  It helped me.  I knew when I no longer needed them.  If you choose to take them, stay in consultation with your Doctor and have an open dialog about how you're feeling and when to stop.  For me, it was a crutch I needed to get through the worst of it and I have no regrets. 

 

Also, I just read a review of a book called The Widower's Notebook.  There is a lot of literature out there about grieving the loss of a spouse but much of it is, unsurprisingly, written by women.  I do not agree with the premise of the book but I am not a man.  What I can say is that I found a lot of comfort in reading others' memoirs (Joan Didion, Elizabeth Alexander) and fiction (Colm Toibin).  Maybe this or other books might be a comfort, when you're ready, of course.

 

And (ok 3 things), to echo what the others say: therapy is a good thing.  I went to therapy for a long time and also went to therapy with my daughter.  Having another person on your side of the court is always a good thing.  We benefited enormously from having two neutral parties who let us speak our truth and who listened without judgement.  They helped me to see that I was not in a static, fixed state but one that - with time and effort - I could move forward from.

 

Wishing you all the best.  It does get better, I promise.