Life update…and ramblings….

[Wheelerswife]

It has been a while since I have posted much here, so I figured I would throw some thoughts together.  I think this will end up being another rambling post…I seem to be good at that.

I know that I spent time lamenting that I was in limbo…trying to make a move back to the east coast and find a job in a new career field.  I am now about 6 months into my new job as an academic advisor at a small private college.  I am renting a house and I have developed new routines and life feels much more settled. I like my job and I like having the sense of purpose again.  This part of my life is moving forward, and I have a great sense of relief about that.

I am closer to family now.  My parents are 91 and 81, and I can see them every couple of months, but I am not so close that I have any responsibility for them on a day-to-day basis.  They are still functioning together (dad has memory loss) and don’t really need outside help.  We have our philosophical differences…and this distance helps us to avoid confrontation.  That is a relief, too.

I am also closer to old friends.  I have renewed a couple of old friendships and I see some of my widow friends on occasion.  It is good to be able to get together for bagos…like the weekend bago that is planned in Maine for next weekend.  (Thanks to Loves2Fish, who I have yet to meet!)  I have also met a couple new friends…one the mother of my hairdresser.  She is a new widow.

I’m approaching the 9^th anniversary of my first husband’s death in 2 weeks.  I’m back near where we lived, and I have more contact with his 88-year old frail mother.  I have been in touch with my husband’s best friend from middle school, who has been checking in on me since I moved back east.  Somehow, it feels like this anniversary is going to bite harder than the 8^th anniversary.

A year ago, yesterday, I spoke for the last time with my friend Fly, a widower I came to know through this board.  He was dying of lung cancer at the age of 39, and he was losing his ability to talk because of breathlessness and coughing.  He died on September 18^th. Our last interaction was a text on the 17^th, when he said goodbye, knowing he didn’t have much time left.  I miss him and his wisdom and the challenge he was to me.  Sigh.

Today, I met with my first “best friend” from my days up to kindergarten.  I had not seen her since we were about 13.  Our parents were friends when we were young, and my siblings and I played with her and her siblings…doing what young children of poor parents did in “the olden days”.  We played outside a lot…or with the few toys we had, or we walked to the beach.  My family moved away when I was 6.  When we were 10, a house fire killed my friend’s mother, leaving her father widowed with 5 kids under age 11.  It was recommended that he put his children up for adoption.  He did not.  It was recommended that they just try to go on living.  Dad turned to alcohol.  He married his wife’s half-sister a year later.  His 2 sons had behavioral problems and her father followed recommendations that he put his boys in a boarding school run by (what turned out to be pedophile) priests.  One of his sons finally ended his misery 8 years ago by jumping off a cliff.  There is more…but I think that is more than enough.

For all of you parents who work so hard to console your children and raise them without your spouse/partner…I take my hat off to all of you.  I’m so grateful that life has changed from 1972 when the advice given a widower was to put his children up for adoption or into a strict boarding school (pedophilia aside).  I shake my head for my old friend and her father and siblings.  My heart goes out to all of you!

Hugs,

Maureen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RyanAmysMom]

Oh, Maureen.... your shoulders must be tired from carrying all of that.....  I'm grateful that you shared....  I hope that you are finding some closure, some completion, some connection in all of these changes.  

[Lisa]

I thought the same.  Heavy burdens right now.  May the good uplift you. Sounds like very good timing for the bago.

I'm jealous. I've always wanted to go to Maine.

Sometimes we feel like sponges soaking the pain around us. I know I have a very sensitive empathy button. It has collapsed me more times than I would like. Often in public.

Wishing you some peace as you continue to navigate.

[Catnip]

Hi Maureen,

So good to hear from you. Hope you are enjoying higher ed. I'm in the third week of the semester here. It's so busy.

 

It's been 11 years for me. I'm still at the same job and in the same house. But my dreams have changed. Last night I dreamed about my husband. We were both in the garage with one son. My husband kissed me, a nice long kiss, until my son interrupted us telling us to cut it out! So we all went back into the house where I thanked my husband for coming to me and kissing me, knowing that he's dead and going away again. So even in my dreams I know he's gone. It's finally sunk in.

 

Keep in touch,

~Catnip

 

[calimom]

You have always been a force of good in these forums. Maureen. Whatever life has thrown you, you overcome it and become a victor. It's inspiring. Wishing you only the best as you move forward into the blue, and Chapter 3 or 17 or 24 or whatever. You're the best.