You won't know how this feels until it happens to you

[Sc39]

It has been just 52 days. I have not been out much except to see my psychiatrist and to run essential errands. Friends visit....and i screen who can access me. I was right to do this. Yesterday, under pressure from a friend who i have not seen since the day of the funeral, i agreed to take a drive to pick up some food. Bad idea. He (who has been married to his wife for 30+ years) tells me that i am still young, i have half my life left to live, i might get a man. He talked about getting over "it" and enjoying myself. He said the cringe worthy cliche "in time this will all pass". Then he proceeded to plan a host of outings designed to "make me happy". I was horrified at the casual and flippant way he referred to my situation of grief...as something to pass and get over. I viciously wished that he would soon find himself a widower and understand how i felt...then i realised that he did not love his wife as i did my husband. It would not be the same. I grimaced inside and was glad when the food was collected and i was back home. Time to screen again. 

[PaulZ]

Yes, people don't get it unless they've been through it.  I helped facilitate a group talk on grief years ago, when my wife was still alive, and now look back and think "That was really stupid/naive what I said" about a few things.  Even the people closest to us have a hard time understanding what we are going through.  I would advise to try not to judge these people too harshly, they just don't understand that what they are saying is inappropriate. Most people mean well, but don't know what to say.  That being said, some people are idiots too haha.

[ChrisV2.0]

        I too have been "advised" to move on by people who have yet to find what "real love" is, let alone have it torn out of they're chest. It takes everything I have I not to lose my mind when people try to tell me some stupid plan "get over her". I constantly have to remind myself that people are trying to help no matter how clueless they sound to me.

[Mizpah]

On 9/12/2018 at 6:07 PM, Sc39 said:

tells me that i am still young, i have half my life left to live, i might get a man. He talked about getting over "it" and enjoying myself. He said the cringe worthy cliche "in time this will all pass". 

People try.  People flail.  Some people fail terribly at comforting.  I was 32 when I lost DH, and I got *lots* and lots of, "You're still young!  You'll find someone!"  Like my problem was that I was looking for someone and worried I'd be alone.  Wrong situation, people!  I was mourning The One I wanted to be with.  I might be with someone one day, but DH would never be alive again, so WTF were they talking about?!  I very quickly adopted a "nod and smile" approach, because it was easier, and later a "take pearls of wisdom where you find them" approach, because in truth, every now and then, some idiot who said something like that guy you're talking about also said one thing among stupid things that just hit me like one little ray of light or wisdom.  Reject what is not helpful and keep what is.  

I'm now 7 1/2 years out, and I'm recoupled, and I can now say, outside of the haze of grief, that the people who were saying I'm young and will find someone were right, because I did, but they were also so so wrong in thinking that that mattered or soothed or had anything to do with what I was going through at the time.  It hurt more to hear that kind of shit than it would to have heard nothing.  But they meant well. 

There are two parts to grief, in my opinion: your own loss of DH and all your plans and love, and your DH's loss of life, of everything, that you mourn on his behalf.  I didn't care that I could one day be ok, because he could not.  Over time, long periods of time, years, very very gradually, I came to understand and be able to articulate how I now feel: It will never be ok, but I am.  For now you are not, and that is ok, it is natural.  It is unbearable.  And somehow you will bear it.  Thinking of you.  

[Minny9]

Only recently in all this time since my wife's death in December, 2016, do I feel I'm able to have a less purely emotional and reactionary outlook on many of these same supposed reassurances.  In their place, I am finding the ability, or the capacity, to be more receptive and contemplative towards those who, as PaulZ said, "don't get it unless they've been through it".  This is not to say I always want to hear what they're telling me.  But I chalk it up to ignorance on their part, all the uncomfortable and awkward attempts to "say the right thing".  Instead, I try to just accept their concern for me for what it is - a genuine desire to see me reach a better place.  That being said....

 

I am the only one in my family who has not been divorced.  My sister has been married twice; my father 3 times.  My sister's first husband, as did my father, went on to marry the woman he cheated with.  By contrast, my late wife and I were together 23 years, and married for 19 - she was the only woman I've ever loved.  I take much pride and find solace in knowing that we were happily committed in a way that eluded others in my family.  I get that people make mistakes and that things don't always work out as they'd hoped.  But in my family I remain the only one who is a widow/er.  How is that fair?

 

It infuriates me, even as a witness to it in my own family, that anyone could be so disrespectful of and inconsiderate towards his spouse to seek out the company of others when I would give everything I have to be with my wife again for even another hour.

 

I suppose, now that I'm able to more reflective, that their seemingly empty reassurances and promises of new-found happiness come from what they know.  For how can they ever truly be expected to "say the right things" when these same people either never have done, or ever had done to them, the "right thing"?

 

I'm grateful for this website.

 

Steve

[baywebbshelton]

Having been exactly where you are now, I totally understand your anger. However, I am approaching my 4 year mark, and I can now appreciate those same things people said to me. They said it with best of intentions, and with good in their hearts. Many times I wished people could know how I felt too, and wanted other peoples spouses to die so I wouldn't be alone in my pain. I completely understand. Just give the people who obviously love you some kindness, since they're only doing their best. Not everyone can think of magical things to say to make it better, and often we repeat what other people have said in those times. Just stay strong, and keep your head above water.

[TornApart]

The things people say. I can roll my eyes now, but back when it was raw 5 years ago... so much easier not to be around anyone because of the unbearable platitudes. Now I am just happy for them that they haven't been through it so don't have a clue. They mean well. They just have no idea. I wish I still had no idea of the pain. I wish you didn't. 

I can't decide if I preferred the people that said silly but well-meaning things, or the people that just disappeared because they didn't know how to deal.