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Julia

I'm Julia, freshly widowed

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Hi, everyone. I'm Julia. My husband died on Sept. 1st. Today is four weeks.Saturdays have been hard for me. Chris was 50 and died suddenly from cardiac arrest. I'm 45. We have no children ourselves, but I have two young adult daughters. 

 

I think I'm still in shock to an extent. It seems to come and go. I'm not living alone, thankfully. We were living with his mom, who died 8 days before Chris. The house and estate are in limbo because of the closeness of their deaths and because his family are being horrible. I moved in with my mom because being in our house was too painful. Kept having flashbacks since his heart stopped at home and I watched the EMTs revive his heart. It was horrible. He died 10 hours after I called 911.

 

There are three attorneys involved and due to his father, who hasn't seen Chris in nine years, sticking his nose in at the mortuary, Chris still hasn't been cremated. The mortuary now needs a court order to decide who gets to cremate him, so my attorney is working on that. That will be might first step in healing, as I've been distraught over him not being cremated. 

 

Anyway, I'm glad to have found this forum. The posts I've read are full of compassion and helpful info. 

 

Julia

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Welcome, Julia.  So sorry you've joined us here.  And it's so hard to deal with trauma along with family drama....  You certainly have several reasons to still be in shock.  Rest assured, it is normal, and probably not permanent, although it feels crazy and forever.  

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Hi Julia, so sorry you are going through this pain.  Family should be a source of comfort during this time, not more distress.  I hope your mom and kids can help support you.  I have found lots of wisdom from people that have endured similar circumstances as myself on this forum.  I hope you do as well.

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Hi, Julia,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss and the circumstances you are facing with your husband's father and lawyers.  Last I knew, the spouse of a 50 -year old was the closest next-of-kin!  One really wonders about people's motives.  I hope that you will be able to move forward with the cremation that is weighing on your heart and mind.

 

This is all harder than many people realize.  You are also coping with the death of your MIL...while not the same, it would certainly add another huge stressor.  Sometimes, we feel like we have to take care of things.  At other times, we feel like we aren't ready to cope.  I know it took me a few years to finalize some details, particularly with the loss of my second husband.  My heart goes out to you.  I hope that you will be able to manage what has to be done in your own time.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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We live in Colorado, which is a common - law state. Since we never, on paper, got married, his family is saying we weren't married.  I have a good lawyer and documentation of our common law status, his family is just being difficult about it. 

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Hi Julia,

 

I'm sorry you had reason to find us, but I'm glad we are here for you. I, too, had my grief complicated by a legal situation that went on for years. It was a different situation than what you describe, but it made an already stressful time all the much more. I'm glad you have your daughters and mother by your side as you navigate the imaginable.

 

abl 

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Hi Julia,

 

    I'm sorry that you had to join us but glad that you did find us.  I'm also very sorry for all of your family drama right now, some people just don't think that their actions affect others 🧐.  If you need support, just come here and talk.  We can help you deal with it.

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Julia,

At 5 years out (almost to the day), I don't drop by here often any more, but felt compelled to visit tonight and saw your post.

I also lost my husband to cardiac arrest, also in Colorado, also a common law marriage, a month or so after his mother had a stroke.  I am so very sorry for all you are going through right now.

Sending you much love and a hug.  And if I were still in Colorado I would take you to coffee and give you that hug in person and listen to you tell me about how amazing Chris was (and hopefully somewhere still is).

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Thank you to everyone for your kind and compassionate words. It's just past seven weeks, I finally got the court order that said I have the right to cremate his body so I did that and got his remains last week. 

 

Last night was the worst so far by a long shot. I thought I was getting better but last night dispelled that notion. Shock still comes and goes a bit. I'm fungible but only because I have to. 

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So glad to hear you've been given that closure.

"Better" takes a long, long time.  You know how they say grief comes in waves?  It does, and sometimes you get "sneaker waves."  Sneaker waves are a real phenomenon in the ocean, where a wave comes along out of nowhere that's much bigger than all the ones before and after it.  It bowls you over when you aren't looking.

 

Eventually, the waves start to get smaller and further apart, but even now I still get bowled over by the occasional sneaker wave.

Be gentle with yourself and take lots of time to rest.  This is a long and hard journey.

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