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MauiMermaid

"Beyond Active Grieving"... Not really, feeling lost

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Hello everyone... always comforting to see the familiar names pop up from the YWBB days. I hope you are all doing well in your journeys. Where has the time gone? These forums were a true lifeline and I'm so grateful to have found you all so many years ago...

 

It's almost 6 years since my DH passed away suddenly and I still struggle with feeling some days like I'm at 6 months in this. The disbelief still manages to hit me hard (albeit not as frequently). The tears still manage to flood my eyes at the thought of him being gone (though not every day, still often enough). The intense pain that pierces my heart still manages to do its thing (sometimes the volume is at 1 and other times it's at 10). Yes, there has been growth and happy moments over the last 5 years. Yes, a new person has entered my life and shown me unexpected hope for love and companionship in chapter 2. Yes, I've managed to make strides in my career. Yes, I've embraced spiritual growth and mindfulness while I navigate the loss. But behind all the positive steps "forward", that intense empty still lingers. That void still remains. At the bottom of it all, I just miss him. I just miss him so very much. As much as I try to stay in the present, I can't help to miss my "old" life. OUR life... together.

 

I try to be kind to myself and acknowledge where I've grown but sometimes I just feel like it's all a facade. Like I'm living some fake alternate-reality version of my life and self. I just feel so lost and directionless at times. This 5th full year without him has just been so taxing and difficult for some reason. Almost like I've fallen back to the early days at times. I guess that's just how the journey goes... up, down, sideways and back again. But simply, I just miss him and I guess no amount of time really changes that. I'm grateful for the good things in my life now but the missing him part is just always there front row center.

 

Thanks for listening. And again, hope all of you are doing well and thriving in new ways and new chapters. Big hugs to you all.

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MM    You've beautifully put into words how I feel too.  At five years out,  life is generally good, there's somebody new in my life, I have a fulfilling job and a volunteer position that I love.  The emptiness is always there though, and at times it can cloud everything else.  Most days are fine but there are those occasional dark days when I know to take it easy.   Thank you for posting, one step at at time and hope you continue to do well.

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It will be six for me in February.  There is much, very much, that is good in my life.  My daughter just started Middle School (epic in itself) at the school where my husband once was the beloved art teacher.  I must be incredibly naive and stupid not to even consider that this was going to be in some way triggering but I honestly didn't.  But it is like one triggering thing after another, from a secretary crying when we walked into the building to the guidance counselor telling me stories he remembers my husband telling him.  I don't mind it necessarily - and I know it means my daughter is well looked after - but it sure is surreal after spending all of these years moving forward.  Really, I just wanted to send you a wish for peace and some empathy.  I am happy but I get it, too.  

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Posted (edited)

You articulated well some feelings/thoughts I have, too. So it must just happen.  7 years soon for me.  I don't know why it keeps lingering.  I think about when in interviews they ask what your 5 yr. plan is, and I don't know.  

 

I just took my dear son on a road trip for fall break to my university for a visit, 27 yrs since graduation.  He won''t choose this school, but there is so much history for me and my family as 5 of us went there, and my father was employed through there. And I started visiting the college when around 7 years old due to my brothers' attending as they are 15  years older.  I think I needed to remember who I was becoming as I was away from DH the entire time in college as he did his military time.  I am turning the BIG one in 6 months and struggling with who I am, what I want to be, and gearing up for my son's next phase of life which will be here SOON!   I took from it my roots, my ability to be on my own, the ability to get my son his wings from the roots he has.  I am getting there.  But I never expected to have to do this, or for it to take this long, as you noted.  

 

Slow process and progress.  Thanks for sharing.  I understand.

Edited by tybec

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On 10/4/2018 at 9:42 AM, Toosoon2.0 said:

It will be six for me in February.  There is much, very much, that is good in my life.  My daughter just started Middle School (epic in itself) at the school where my husband once was the beloved art teacher.  I must be incredibly naive and stupid not to even consider that this was going to be in some way triggering but I honestly didn't.  But it is like one triggering thing after another, from a secretary crying when we walked into the building to the guidance counselor telling me stories he remembers my husband telling him.  I don't mind it necessarily - and I know it means my daughter is well looked after - but it sure is surreal after spending all of these years moving forward.  Really, I just wanted to send you a wish for peace and some empathy.  I am happy but I get it, too.  

Hi TooSoon,

 

I cannot believe she is starting Middle School! That really illustrates the years that have passed. I hope you are doing well.

 

Thank you for the kind words... sending you the same. xoxo

 

MM

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2 hours ago, tybec said:

You articulated well some feelings/thoughts I have, too. So it must just happen.  7 years soon for me.  I don't know why it keeps lingering.  I think about when in interviews they ask what your 5 yr. plan is, and I don't know.  

 

I just took my dear son on a road trip for fall break to my university for a visit, 27 yrs since graduation.  He won''t choose this school, but there is so much history for me and my family as 5 of us went there, and my father was employed through there. And I started visiting the college when around 7 years old due to my brothers' attending as they are 15  years older.  I think I needed to remember who I was becoming as I was away from DH the entire time in college as he did his military time.  I am turning the BIG one in 6 months and struggling with who I am, what I want to be, and gearing up for my son's next phase of life which will be here SOON!   I took from it my roots, my ability to be on my own, the ability to get my son his wings from the roots he has.  I am getting there.  But I never expected to have to do this, or for it to take this long, as you noted.  

 

Slow process and progress.  Thanks for sharing.  I understand.

Thanks for sharing, Tybec. Hope you are well... good to see your name pop up.

 

How special to get some much needed reminders on your strength and independence from a place that carries so much history and memories. It must have been an emotional trip in many ways. Glad you were able to share it with your son.

 

Hugs to you,

 

MM

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On 10/3/2018 at 3:23 PM, trying2breathe said:

MM    You've beautifully put into words how I feel too.  At five years out,  life is generally good, there's somebody new in my life, I have a fulfilling job and a volunteer position that I love.  The emptiness is always there though, and at times it can cloud everything else.  Most days are fine but there are those occasional dark days when I know to take it easy.   Thank you for posting, one step at at time and hope you continue to do well.

Thank you for sharing, Trying2Breathe. Glad to hear you are doing well. Wishing you continued strength and peace on those "dark days".

 

One step at a time indeed.

 

xoxo,

 

MM

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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, tybec said:
 
I try to be kind to myself and acknowledge where I've grown but sometimes I just feel like it's all a facade. Like I'm living some fake alternate-reality version of my life and self. I just feel so lost and directionless at times. This 5th full year without him has just been so taxing and difficult for some reason. Almost like I've fallen back to the early days at times. I guess that's just how the journey goes... up, down, sideways and back again. But simply, I just miss him and I guess no amount of time really changes that. I'm grateful for the good things in my life now but the missing him part is just always there front row center.
 
<this>😶

 

Edited by tybec
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I feel this fake reality sensation at 2 years too. Like getting recast in some sort of Truman Show where I play my part but it doesn't feel real. I get that. 

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MM, it's been 5 years for me and so much has changed.  I have much to be grateful for and some things to be proud of accomplishing.  But there are days when I just miss the life we had together, it seems like it was someone else's life altogether.  I get what you're saying about living a fake alternate reality.  I started out with the idea that "fake it till you make it" was the way to be strong and move forward but I'm not sure that I've ever stopped faking it.

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On 10/5/2018 at 9:06 PM, KrypticKat said:

I play my part but it doesn't feel real.

Totally this. Hugs to you, KrypticKat.

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On 10/7/2018 at 5:33 AM, Trying said:

MM, it's been 5 years for me and so much has changed.  I have much to be grateful for and some things to be proud of accomplishing.  But there are days when I just miss the life we had together, it seems like it was someone else's life altogether.  I get what you're saying about living a fake alternate reality.  I started out with the idea that "fake it till you make it" was the way to be strong and move forward but I'm not sure that I've ever stopped faking it.

 

I totally understand this. I sort of feel like our time together was a dream at this point.

 

Hugs, Trying. Good to see your name pop up. Hope you are doing well. xoxoxo

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I'm almost at 7 years now...where does the time go? I am so thankful for this Board where I have been able to find support, give support and maintain my sanity. I know...the sadness isn't as intense but missing our old lives doesn't go away. The things you said in your post resonated with me. I have to admit I have spent a fair amount of time recently wondering "what if" - what would our lives be like now with our DH? My son - who only knew him for 9 months - talks about him a lot and the potential of him coming back to life. We wanted more kids (and now my son will be an only child forever). I think how my DH would have loved our life in our crazy small town - and he would have been able to manage the social and political aspects of it much better than I am doing. He never cared what anyone thought and was supremely good at dealing with people. I've raised a young boy, climbed the corporate ladder, become a school volunteer, become a Scout leader, been through so much in terms of the school system and my son's development and learned how to sail (and got my son into sailing) plus built up a completely new social life for myself and my son and Ive been out in the dating world (and dating a divorced dad now). Im proud of what we have accomplished but I still think "what if".

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Today will be 4 years for me.

Thank you for all your post as at times I feel like it was yesterday.

Just the feeling that the life we had planned really , really isn't going to happen can be hard to grasp.

Feels as if I kept holding on to the illusion that it would all some day feel and be the same as when he was here. 

 

 

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