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KrypticKat

My life feels like I'm trying to start a shitty old car

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I haven't given up and I won't but I'm tired of how much effort this is taking.

 

Most of the major drama is gone. I've removed the toxic connections, I've settled the finances, I've done the grief work and I am trying so damn hard to rebuild. It all just takes so much effort. I try to do positive things like build new hobbies and spend time with friends but the lift from that often feels so temporary. I feel like I have to work extra hard to keep up with people and arrange to meet and do things. I get scared when my schedule becomes too light because I'm afraid of being alone. When I am alone some days I'm okay and other days I feel scared and empty. Finding purpose or meaning after death feels a bit like waving my arms around in the dark aimlessly. I don't have kids to focus on. I can do whatever I want but what I really want is not an option. I miss the sound board that my husband was and that automatic peace that came with him.

 

I think I'm feeling a little lost again for some reason. 

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Hi, KK,

 

I can relate to much of what you are saying.  I feel like the effort to keep living is sometimes overwhelming.  I have friends, I get together with family, I keep going...but I just miss the sense that I had this one person in my life that loved me unconditionally and wanted to share his life with me.  It was hard losing my first husband.  It was harder losing my second husband.  I miss that life and our dreams and I don't really want to have to rebuild again.  But...I will.  I hate being unhappy.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

 

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It's hard work. It's hard to keep going some days. But the practice makes it easier after a while. For me, anyway. I still feel lost occasionally after more than 5 years. But less and less. Hope it gets easier for you too. Feel proud of how hard you have worked to survive. 

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On 10/4/2018 at 9:55 AM, KrypticKat said:

I haven't given up and I won't but I'm tired of how much effort this is taking.. 

 

I hesitate to tell you just how true this is for me still- almost 6 1/2 years into this and in a solid relationship. Granted, there’s some non-widow stuff that’s been bringing me down also, but I can’t deny it- widowhood has given me this...edge, this ability to go quickly dark, or detach- float above the situation even as it engulfs me. (Or something like that. I haven’t had coffee yet, feeling rambly) 

 

I think, in some ways, I’m a better person now - but sometimes the fucked-up part that co-exists with the ‘better’ me is exhausting as hell. 

 

It’s funny how I feel as though I’m screaming/weakly mumbling  ‘I surrender’, waving that jumbo-sized white flag, while I’m simultaneously fighting like hell to have a meaningful life. I’m doing it even as I deep down honestly don’t seem to care about most of it anymore. But I want to care.  I dont know if I’ve ever struggled this hard to get somewhere I don’t even give a shit about going. But I’m hopeful about it, damn it! 

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9 hours ago, Bunny said:

 

 

It’s funny how I feel as though I’m screaming/weakly mumbling  ‘I surrender’, waving that jumbo-sized white flag, while I’m simultaneously fighting like hell to have a meaningful life. I’m doing it even as I deep down honestly don’t seem to care about most of it anymore. But I want to care.  I dont know if I’ve ever struggled this hard to get somewhere I don’t even give a shit about going. But I’m hopeful about it, damn it! 

  

Yes ,this...I am almost 4 years out (in ten days ). 

It is a comfort to come here and see that I am not the only one struggling at times. 

Keeps me a bit sane in what has become a path and future that I never wanted to travel alone.

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I’m hoping to start a new relationship..hoping to find the right woman on here

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5 hours ago, Brown said:

I’m hoping to start a new relationship..hoping to find the right woman on here

After 11.5 years I can totally understand wanting to find someone, and totally understand the loneliness. Wanting to find someone who understands what it's like to lose someone you love, etc.

But why here? This isn't a dating site, although there have been a few people who have over time that have met in person and developed a relationship that ended up in marriage.

I guess seeing that can make some of us hopeful. Knowing that the other person would totally get it!

But I am curious....😊

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