Need help - completely broken

[Redhed]

Hi I am new here. Now this may seem strange as I lost my husband 11 years ago. Forums like this one were my lifeline back then and I thought I would try to get some advice from you guys, maybe there are some other long term Widda’s on here. 

 

A year after my husband died I became friends with another widower who had children of a similar age to me. Our friendship developed quickly into more and we all moved in together. 

 

Now lots of people thought this was like a fairytale but we both had lots of baggage and children that had been through a lot as you can imagine. 

 

Things were never easy but we always worked through things and we were best friends as well as a couple. At the beginning of the year things got really bad and we were arguing a lot and the children were not getting on (all in their teens now). I wanted to get couples counselling but he didn’t and in the end he asked me to move out.  We still got on ok at first and actually got back together for about a month but he ended things again. 

 

It has been 7 months since I moved out and I am still missing him so much and really want to get back together but he just seems so detached. 

 

Obviously this has brought up a lot of other emotions from the past and I probably didn’t have much time do deal with those at the time. I feel like I am right back there again and scared of being on my own.  

 

Feel that life is so unfair first I lose my husband who was the love of my life then I lose my partner. Just not dealing with any of this very well. Xxx

[Portside]

Hi Redhed. Sorry that you are going through this rough patch.

 

Any major disruption in one's life, such as this is, is bound to cause a fair measure of anxiety and to reopen old wounds. It's normal.   

 

You mentioned that perhaps you hadn't processed fully your emotions/grief from way back when. Maybe - it's hard to say. I found that my romantic relationships were most fruitful after I learned to be happy all by myself. That wasn't easy for me but after I concentrated on being happy with where I was at the moment, all else went easier.

 

Perhaps that is a positive step forward for you. None of this is easy.

 

Good luck - Mike

[sudnlysngl]

First I'm sorry your hurting.

 

That said, I absolutely agree with Mike. Of coarse your scared. You never took the time to be alone and process being widowed, grieve, be a mom by YOURSELF, and learn how to process all these things to see that you can and will do it!

 

All of us here will tell you it sucks!, but it can be done. 

 

There are those of us (I am one of them) who recoupled after almost 5 yrs, and I just divorced! So nothing is guaranteed, nothing!!!

 

Another thing I would suggest for you is some counseling. That would help you with the grief, the broken relationship, and life....

 

Best of luck to you.

 

BTW, I am 11.5 yrs out

[Trying]

Redhed I am so sorry you are having to deal with the pain of the end of this relationship.  Aside from agreeing with the others about counseling I don't have any sage advice, just wanted to say I'm glad you're here and hope you find it to be as supportive as I have.

[Redhed]

Thank you so much for your replies. I know I need to find a way to be happy on my own but I just can’t seem to get there. I have days where I’m starting to feel better and then I come crashing down and feel so upset that he doesn’t love me anymore or maybe he never did. 

 

I have some amazing friends even though I have lost a lot of friends through the break up, but I don’t have any single friends, do it is difficult to arrange things as they are busy. 

[sudnlysngl]

Redhed you got this!  Please find a good counselor for yourself, and let it all out, then start putting YOURSELF back together. You might find that you will like things differently, and find that you want things differently!

 

Girl, YOU GOT THIS!  And it's ok to feel all the things that you are feeling right now. It is, I am going through some of those things myself. I have been shattered by the guy I let into my life, and I married him! He stole all my money, and at the end he started to abuse by poisoning me... Punching holes in the walls of my house, cause I wouldn't put him on my house, he knew the agreement we had, found out he was cheating for over the last 2 years or more. So girl, bad things happen to many of us and we survive! 

 

I may not ever trust anyone again, LOL, but I survive, and know that you will too. 

 

Now let's pull up our big girl panties , find ourselves, what brings "us" peace and real joy in life, and learn to really live again.... 😊

 

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

[MikeR]

Redhed,

 

I am not the most socially active person and when my wife died (12+ years ago) I did not have a lot of friends to lean on, or just to socialize with. It took a lot of introspection to get comfortable with the idea of being alone and needing to rebuild my social life. You mentioned the ups and downs - that is totally normal after a loss. Healing from a loss is not a straight line. It's two steps forward, one step back.

 

It helped me to remind myself when I was feeling my worst that I wouldn't always feel that way. Sure enough, after a bad period I had a good day (or two). Over time, the good days outnumbered the bad days. New friends came into my life and eventually a new love did, too.

 

From what you wrote I think your guy is done with the relationship. You can't control what he thinks or feels - only what you think or feel. So perhaps it's time to let him go. It doesn't matter whether he ever loved you (you asked that question in your post) - he probably doesn't want a relationship now. So work on accepting that and building a new life. If you have unresolved grief, work on that first. The things that make us feel the worst are the things we need to work on the most. Embrace the pain rather than run away from it. Try to understand why it hurts.

 

It's not easy, but it has to be done. And you CAN do it.

 

Mike

 

 

[StillWidowed]

Redhead, my first (and only) relationship post widowhood was a painful breakup as well.  It took a lot of time to put it behind me, with some getting back together, breaking up, and sleeping together once after over a year being apart. I thought I would NEVER move on from that guy.  But I did.  And I spent time alone again.  Healing, and creating a happy, secure, enjoyable life for myself.  Take the time to grieve and heal.  It's so important.  I'm glad I did after my husband died and I'm glad I did after my relationship breakup. 

[arneal]

Oh, Redhead {{{hugs}}}

 

To echo what others have already said, you must heal yourself first. Your kids, teens or not, need you. While being alone (as in, not coupled) is hard sometimes, you can do this. You must. 

 

I have always been a bit handy (not necessarily correctly and am known to quickly use the incorrect tool that is most convenient instead of hunting for the correct one ...) but became more so after my second husband died. I budgeted and hired for the things I couldn't do. 

 

I have shared I think elsewhere that after the first husband died, my (married) nextdoor neighbor offered to mow the lawn, which was a sad patch of grass in the back and a few blades out front that I could probably have cut with a pair of scissors in three minutes had I been of a mind to do so. I said sure since it was one less thing I needed to concern myself with as I recovered from an abusive marriage, the sudden death of the abuser, and suddenly being a single parent. I soon noticed though that he'd stopped doing the yard. No biggie as I was able to use a weed wacker to do it myself (the first husband and I never had a mower anyway). Another neighbor down the street told me the man had stopped mowing because I hadn't invited him in for lemonade, and waggled his eyebrows. The dude was only doing it to get near me. I was oblivious. He was married. What??? Yeah. Nothing came of it because I was never that kind.

 

Fast forward to my second marriage. LH had health issues that took him. My son was out of the house, which made it easier for me to become more proficient in homeownership and quick. 

 

I share a bit of my story here to encourage you, Redhead. Do this for yourself. Do not depend on someone to be in your life because you miss having that person (someone ...) next to you. You deserve so much more.