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Needytoo

Holiday question

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Hello everyone, it seems awhile since I have posted hope everyone is doing well. I need some peoples advice. 

 

My late husband was very unsocial and we didn't do anything for the holidays. No parties or going to other family members for Christmas.  Deep down I hated it, I was always jealous of the people that actually did things with their whole family.  I have been dating a great guy for a year and half and his family have made me feel part of the family.  My sons very slowly (and I mean very slowly) accepting new guy.  Last Christmas I waited till 1:00 pm for my sons to get out of bed. My oldest son didn't buy anyone any gifts and the gifts he got he left most of them in the living room.  They ate supper and took off to their rooms.  This is how my holidays have been for years.  This year New Guy's sister and her wife have invited my sons and I over for Christmas.  I told my sons they aren't very impressed.  I told them I realize this is different and a bit awkward but to be open to it.  So what is the correct thing to do in this situation?  Make an early supper for my sons then go to new guys sister's place or do the same old thing feed my sons clean up and sit in the living room alone.  My sons are 21 and 25 years old.  

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1 hour ago, Needytoo said:

So what is the correct thing to do in this situation?  Make an early supper for my sons then go to new guys sister's place or do the same old thing feed my sons clean up and sit in the living room alone.  My sons are 21 and 25 years old.  

I'd go with the former. Your sons are adults, and don't seem very interested in the holiday. You are. So, for yourself, I would make a meal to have with them, then go enjoy yourself with NG's family. 

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Goodness, with all due respect, if they are going to be like that, I wouldn't even make anything for them, and sure as heck wouldn't be 'cleaning up' especially at 21 and 25! I understand you may have a different view/tradition. As Abitlost said, they are adults well and truly, and obviously not interested in Christmas (fair enough), so I'd just leave them to it and go have a lovely  time with you new fella. Don't let them dictate your holiday, they are not wee kids that have to be fed by you.

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I agree. They are old enough to prepare a meal for themselves and enjoy the day as they please. 

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Needytoo, you're kidding right?

 

Tell them the bus is leaving at xx:xx o'clock and they are welcome to join you all. Then leave at the designated time and enjoy yourself.

 

DO NOT cook a dinner for them. Well, I wouldn't. Each of my sons have acted like an ass at one time or another. If you enable it, and that's what an early supper by you would be, then you are rewarding their behavior. 

 

Good luck!

 

 

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I know its hard for children to accept new partners in their parents lives (and accept new family members)  - but your boys are indeed well into adulthood and should be more respectful of what makes you happy. And you deserve to have some fun in your life! If they want to spend Xmas with you and create a better aura in the house, they should get up earlier and spend time with you - and accompany you to your Xmas outing. But it seems they don't want to go with you (even though kindly invited) so I echo other comments on here - go out and enjoy a festive Xmas! You deserve that ! They can stay home and do nothing - and let them order in or cook for themselves.

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"So what is the correct thing to do in this situation?  Make an early supper for my sons then go to new guys sister's place or do the same old thing feed my sons clean up and sit in the living room alone."  

 

Needy   Great responses here,  probably just me but I'd make a simple dinner for them and ask them to clean up, certainly enjoy yourself at new guy's house without your sons.  It would be a chore to try and manage with them there.  Sounds like their acceptance of your new relationship is going slowly, the holidays can complicate the dynamics of new relationships.  

 

Your sons have been patterned into a tradition of not celebrating holidays, expectations on having them begin to act differently now is unrealistic.  As you enjoy celebrating, let them know this and perhaps invite them to join you in small ways in beginning new traditions.  Are you putting up a Xmas tree?  As for help in placing the star/angel/ornament at the top.  Invite them to help you in baking cookies, hanging a wreath on the door, wrapping a present.  Scale back on gifts if it doesn't seem important to them - perhaps hang empty stockings, filled Xmas morning with small gifts. Ask them to join you at breakfast at XX:00 to open their stockings.  Baby steps, maybe they'll join you, maybe not - no pressure.  There can be so much festivity during the Christmas season, your kids need a little direction on how to begin to make new traditions.  Maybe if you show them in small ways how to start, they can grow to enjoy new traditions too?

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I can't help feeling it might be a bit late for 21 and 25 year old blokes starting to bake Christmas cookies...Yes it will be hard for your sons with you having a new partner, but pandering to them by cooking and waiting around for them to call the shots on your Christmas Day also won't help them, or any future partners they may have, who likely will expect grownup behaviour.

These guys are adults and can do their own thing.

Whatever you decide, have a lovely day.

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My conversation would go something like this " I'm very sorry that you did not grow up with warm family traditions during the holidays because of your father's preferences.  This is something I have missed in my life and I would love to start some new traditions with you if you are interested.  If you don't feel comfortable joining me at NGs family holiday I understand.  Let's do a lovely Christmas brunch together at 10:00 am and exchange small gifts."

you deserve a warm holiday and I hope they come around but if they choose to continue to not embrace holidays it shouldn't stop you.

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As I was reading your post I thought if they're old enough to stay home let them cook their own meal.  Then reading 21 and 25, let them take care of themselves. And the kitchen better be clean when you get home LOL. It's time for you to start to enjoy your holidays and let them be lumps if that's their choice.

 

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You guys are the best!! I remember in the "early" recovery days thinking of new ways to celebrate the holidays. The second year after DH passing we went to Punta Cana and had a blast.  

 

My kids have been very challenging, they have bullied me etc but my youngest is so much better now his brother somewhat better but he has some kind of social oddity. His father did and there is other relatives on that side that have the same thing.  I can't change that.  

 

I think I will make my big supper Christmas Eve and have NG join us and spend the day with NG's family. My kids need to let me know this weekend if they are coming. I hope my kids will be open to this.  I certainly wish our past was different and they got to enjoy Christmas' like so many other people do but we didn't and I can't change that, I just can encourage the change today.

 

On a side note, I am not planning on doing too much baking this year.  My baking is being done by a single mom who does it so she can afford Christmas for her kids.    

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I wish you the best this holiday season, Needy.  I'm like a kid at Christmas, love to decorate, cook, celebrate ..... about baking - my Uncle Harry,  tough ex-Marine,, was the family Christmas cookie baker.   He made the best Norwegian Christmas cookies of anybody in the family.   RIP Uncle Harry, the recipes carry on but nobody baked cookies like he did. 

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Parts of me really wish I could go all out Martha Stewart style but I don't have time. I know excuses excuses.  There are a few things I would like to try this year. Two things my Mom use to make Thimble Cookies and Scotch Eggs.  Both I have failed at before unfortunately my Mother's cookbooks have been thrown out years ago by my Step Thing. NG's Mom gave me her recipe for Thimble Cookies if anyone has one for Scotch Eggs I am willing to try it. 

 

My youngest son has agreed to come to NG sister's for Christmas oldest son hasn't given me a response.  I am so happy my youngest son is willing to try!! 

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Love Scotch eggs!! Hmm - unf I don't have a recipe but the Food Network has some on their website. Happy your youngest is joining in the festivities !

 

 

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I am going to try Jamie Oliver's recipe. Hope it works. 

 

I am very proud of my youngest son, I hope my oldest joins as well but I can't force him. 

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So happy your youngest is joining you!  I hope this is the beginning of warm and wonderful holidays for you!

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Meh, I was an adolescent in another life, and family things weren't of great appeal. I also went through an agnostic/atheist period and felt like kind of a fraud going to family Christmas things.  I do enjoy my family, they're all really nice, warm folks. The Christmas feeling eluded me, and I just tried to portray someone who was a believer.  I really, really was having a hard time with it.  

 

 By 21, I was living in an apartment with a couple other women: preparing my own meals and cleaning up was not a new concept. 

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