My father isn't doing well, need your advice

[Needytoo]

My Mom passed away 27 years ago, and her Palliative Care Nurse married my father within a year of her passing.  This woman has been horrible since the first minute I met her long time ago.  She made visiting my father horrible.  She drove me as well as all my siblings away. We sometimes tried to speak up, but it always ended horribly. 

When my husband passed, they never came to the funeral and never visited afterward.  I have gone a few times down to see them, and I kept my visits short because she always would say something evil.  I went through a lot of anger towards all of this, and then one day I just let it go. 

Now my father has Alzheimer’s and is in a home, and my step thing is complaining she isn’t getting the support from us she needs.  We all live at least 3 hours away (I live 6 hours away) and all of us except one of my sister’s work full time.  I try not to judge, but this lady has changed all the furniture in the house and has gone on a few trips since my Dad has been put in a home.  Again I try not to judge because I do know you need to take care of yourself first.  I have heard from old high school friends that she goes around town and complains that I am not supportive. Nice lady.   

Last night my brother texted me saying she called him, Dad has taken a turn for the worse and would like one of us to come down because she is going on another trip.  I work at a college, and we are doing our finals, I am drowning in marking, so my brother is going down. 

My brain didn’t shut down last night had all of this going through my mind.  He is my father, he hasn’t been a great Dad since Mom’s passing he has been a horrible grandparent but what would my Mom want me to do.  I am now in a second relationship, and my kids are not the most supportive (slowly changing) and NGs kid are being told by their Mom that their father is a horrible person.  I don’t want to compare us with my Dad and stepwitch but what if our kids don’t want anything to do with us either.  I know we aren’t as bad but what is the correct thing to do.  We are planning on going down Dec. 14 for the weekend but I can’t see us making down earlier.  Am I a horrible person?  My sister says no we are great people she missed out.  Thanks for letting me vent. 

[Portside]

Go down on the 14 as planned. The end.

 

This woman cut you guys out long ago and, I'm sorry to say, your father let her when he was well. You don't owe her any special treatment. She doesn't give enough of a shit to look after your Dad now and she say you aren't supportive enough? After all the years of horseshit?

 

Do what you can but I wouldn't tie myself up in knots about it. They made their respective beds. Now they get to lie in them.

 

Good luck. Mike 

[Julester3]

I'm with Mike on this one. Go when you plan to. We do what we can and you have responsibilities to your job first. You tried to reach out multiple times through the years but it's quite clear this woman severed you all out no matter that you made efforts.  It's hard to keep playing that repetitive dead end battle. She can't blame you when she was the one who created it. 

 

Good luck!

[sudnlysngl]

I've always found it "funny" how some people can do some real shitty things to their kids in life, then when it's time for them to kiss their own ass goodbye

NOW they want to lay on some guilt to those kids they "abused" and threw away so they can clear their own conscience, I call bullshit, sorry!!!

Let the witch he choose over you sit with him and wipe his ass and tears.....

Needytoo, I'm with Mike on this one as well, but I would also go for YOU and keep it short and say what YOU want and need to say!

Only if that's what YOU want, praying for you. Please don't guilt yourself on any of this, He didn't, remind yourself of that....

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Nope, not a horrible person and don't let the witch manipulate you either! Stick to your original plan and believe your sister!  

Hugs

[Needytoo]

Thanks,  I sometimes have doubts what is the right thing to do. I will go down the weekend I was supposed to. 

My brother is with my Dad, he seems ok minus dementia.  

 

Hope tonight I sleep well.  

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey NT, just remember to not let the witch steal your peace.  Sleep well!

[trying2breathe]

Great responses here, not much more to add other than say to your Dad what you need to and be at peace with that.  You owe them nothing, those that know your stepwitch understand the real story.  I hope you sleep well tonight too, no reason not to as you've done everything that you can to maintain the connection.

[soloact]

Needytoo, there are many good responses on this thread. Mike put it on the line. Stepthing could not have done this without your dad's agreement. It's unfortunate but it happens maybe more than you realize. 

 

My dad had a sleeping bag. He never married her but expected the rest of the world to kiss that ring he never put on her hand. I was cut off as were his close friends. He broke my heart but I survived. Two hours after the sleeping bag got her hat my phone rang. Dad's expectation was that I would abandon my husband, my home and go to his adopted home state to run his household until he met another woman. I declined that generous offer. He said I would be cut out of his will.  Ha ha! That happened years prior.

 

As outrageous as my dad's demand was it was even worse as I was my husband's 24 hour caregiver at the time. A few years later I heard from my dad again. He wanted to come here to live with me. My door was always open to him but I would not relocate. He never came here and I was told by my stepmom (dad's ex-wife) and my dad's used-to-be closest male friend that I dodged a bullet. They told me he would not be kind. 

 

I learned of his death from Google. 

[Bunny]

Needytoo, my heart hurts for you. I’m glad you were able to finally let go of your anger, for your sake. There is simply no need to now take up a yoke of guilt. I think you have borne enough when it comes to dealing with the bad behavior of others. The spiteful me wants you to send step-thing a homemade card with the quote ‘You Reap What You Sow’ on it, as you give your apologies for not being able to give her any of the support she desires, ever. No excuses need to be given. 

 

That she is vacationing while her beloved is so unwell speaks for her own commitment to the situation. I am the person who cuts out / greatly distances myself from family/friends I deem to have finally reached the point of Too Toxic. I know to some people this makes me appear cold / disloyal. It’s the only way I’ve found I can, eventually, let go of my hurt/anger. 

 

What people think about you is none of your business. That’s their problem. It’s okay to have boundaries and to enforce them for your own mental health. 

[Needytoo]

You guys are the best!! So sorry soloact for what you went through. Called stepwitch a few times to see when she is available so I can get the photos.  She hasn't returned my call.  Somehow she will make this my fault. Oh well, she can keep on trying to break my spirit.  I too am getting good on cutting out the drama. 

[soloact]

Needytoo, none of this is your fault. Please try to remember that. Stepthing is manipulative. She may try to rewrite what occurs but you know what really happened all these years. Hoping your visit with your dad is pleasant this weekend. Take care of you.

[Bambi]

Needytoo, I love your description "my step thing" - that's what I will call the monster-in-law from now on.  Not that I have any contact with it since I blocked her calls and messages for the sake of my sanity.  Some people are just evil, there's no way around it.  They are expert manipulators, borderline psychopaths and will actively enjoy draining your will to live with their toxicity.  Somehow a lot of people can't see through them which perhaps says as much about them as it does the thing.  Remember it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, only what you think of them.  Neither of these people deserve anything from you so just do whatever feels right for you and hold your head high.