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A holiday ramble...


Wheelerswife
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Hello, my fellow wid sisters and brothers.

 

I'm sitting at my parents' home, being a dutiful daughter.  My parents are 92 and 82, and I can't in good conscience leave them to celebrate the holiday without at least one of their scattered offspring with them.  This is the 10th Christmas season without my first husband and the 5th without my second husband.  5 years ago on Christmas Eve, I was driving from Kansas to Wisconsin with my second husband, on our way to visit his elderly mother and some good friends.  We talked for the entire drive - 13 hours - about our future, and in particular, planning the semester-long sabbatical he  was scheduled to take in another year.  It was a great conversation - full of anticipation and excitement for the months that we would spend in Europe.  The only glitch in this picture is that he died unexpectedly in his sleep just 15 days later.

 

Holidays have been hard ever since.  My family truly doesn't understand what it is like to lose the love of your life...much less having lost a second great love.  It was hard to lose my first husband, but I was fortunate to meet a beautiful man - also widowed - and we embraced life fully and found wonderful love with each other.  My life was turned upside down with the shock of losing my second husband...including being diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer just 6 weeks later.  It has taken me quite some time to feel like I have my feet underneath me.  I am in a much better place...and the last year has allowed me some rebuilding that eluded me the year before.

 

But...holidays are still hard.  People ask me now if I am happy.  I'm less unhappy.  Perhaps that is the best answer I can give people.  I'm working on myself...getting healthier on several levels, connecting with friends, trying to acclimate to a new career and job, and marking the passage of time.  In a way, that is what holidays are for me now - measuring the years as they go by.  I'm fortunate to have good friends, particularly widow friends I have met through this board and its predecessor. I spent the first Christmas after losing my first husband in the chat room associated with he old website. 

 

For those of you who are freshly widowed...reach out to people here.  It has been kind of quiet on this board, but don't let that deter you.  The people who will understand you best are those feeling a similar kind of pain.  You can "meet" people virtually here and become true friends...and if you are a traveler like me, you can meet them in real life.  I have friends from this board (and its predecessor) who are now my truest friends.

 

I'm not going to tell you to suck it up and put a smile on your face this Christmas.  I'm going to tell you to do what you want, go where you want, leave when you want, and always park your car where you won't be blocked in...because it is your right to make your own decisions about joining in the festivities...or not. 
 

My folks will be home from church soon, so I will close.  Just so you know...Puffs makes a tissue with lotion...it is much easier on sore eyes and noses for those who are filled with tears tonight.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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Oh...so much truth in what you write. It will be 6 years in three weeks. While so much is better now the holidays are still filled with moments. I am lucky to have all my children home tonight and although the years long traditions are changing as they age I'm still happy just to have them here. This year I am particularly aware of what we lost and yet thankful for what we do have. A woman and her three kids I know are just experiencing the horor of the life we lead as her husband was killed in a terrible accident last week. It has brought back some of the thoughts that had since buried a little deeper over the last six years. 

 

I have also made my friends here even though I've been a bit distant lately I value each of you beyond words.

 

Thank you Maureen for giving me a push to share these thoughts through your own. 

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Six years this past October and it is still hard. Just in a way i can't quite quantify or articulate. I love my BF and I have my daughter and dogs but being Dan's widow is a part of my identity that always lurks in the background. This year was harder than last and i'm not sure why. 

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