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Two things can be true at once


Kater
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First off, I always feel like I need to explain when posting as I don't post often and not nearly as often as I read.  This site was soooo helpful to me in the early days and it still is a destination for me when I need to feel connected to others that get it.  Thanks to everyone that does post as it is your discussions and comments that make these boards helpful for us lurkers :)  

 

But as happens from time to time, I have something that I feel compelled to put "out there" and this is the community that I feel most safe doing that in.

 

Tonight is the 3 year anniversary of Stoni's heart attack.  Although he didn't die until the 29th, he was unconscious in the days between. This day feels a bit more difficult as it was the last time I heard his voice, and the night it became apparent that our time together was likely coming to an end.  As it does, life has changed tremendously in those three years.  I have moved cities, recoupled, changed what I am doing work wise...basically started life over.  But all considered, it's good and it's even starting to feel "normal". 

 

Not too long ago, I heard someone use the expression "two things can be true at once", I think in the context of politics.  But I thought it was also the perfect description for when we start to find happiness again after loss.  We can be happy and sad.  When we recouple, we can love our new partners AND love and miss our others.  It isn't one or the other.  One of the things that I so love about NG is that, without ever having to explain one word of that to him, he gets it.  I knew it before, but it was crystal clear tonight.  NG was doing some work, so I turned off the TV and in the quiet I started replaying the events of 3 years earlier in my mind.  I started reading some old journal posts I had written during the first December without Stoni.  I can so easily go back to how I was feeling at that time.  I was in the midst of all that when NG stopped for a bit of a break and said, "I feel a bit awkward asking you this, but is there anything special that you'd like to do on the 29th in memory of Stoni?"  I nearly fell off my seat that he would ask that when he did.  He didn't know what I was reading nor the significance of today.  Through tears I thanked him for asking and said I'd give it some thought.  We talked a bit about things and then he told me that one time when he was at my place he told Stoni (in a picture) that he would take good care of me.   This was before we were even a couple.  (We were colleagues and developed a friendship after Stoni died with no real intention of pairing up...until we found out how compatible we are).  For someone that has not lost a spouse (he's divorced), he is incredibly understanding.   And so while I am very much thinking of Stoni at this time of year, missing him and the life we had together, I am so, so thankful for the new relationship I have and that I don't have to choose.  I can fully live both of my truths.

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5 hours ago, Kater said:

We can be happy and sad.  When we recouple, we can love our new partners AND love and miss our others.  It isn't one or the other.  One of the things that I so love about NG is that, without ever having to explain one word of that to him, he gets it.

This exactly! Thank you for posting this. 

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Hi, Kater!  

 

Thanks for for sharing your story about Stoni and NG!  My second husband John was widowed and understood these things so well, and it is good to see how your new love can reach out to you when you are remembering Stoni. 

 

I will keep you in my heart over the next couple of days. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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This is one of the biggest things I've learned since Dan died. Not only can two things be true at once, but those two things can be completely contradictory with one another. I can be deeply in love with two men at the same time. I understand fully that addiction is a disease and get so worked up at people who treat it like it's a character flaw. But i also feel tremendous anger at Dan for not stopping, for doing this to himself and destroying our lives. I love my BF and what we have but i also miss my old life tremendously. It's been difficult to come to terms with these contradictions and eventually i just had to recognize that these things coexist no matter how much it doesn't seem to make sense. 

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Thank you for posting; like you I do a  lot of reading but seldom post.  It still astounds me that the loss of Arnie can be BOTH feel like yesterday and tomorrow.  I havent been able to feel strong anough to start a relationship, but I am so happy and hopeful when you and WheelersWife and others post about starting a second chapter.  NG sounds wonderful; especially when he told Stoni he promised to take care of you.  

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 My NG is like yours. My MIL came to stay with us for Christmas, we brought her to Christmas Eve mass with us and had to walk through the columbarium where DH is; though he died 6 years ago she had never been and she said "Warren is here". NG was pushing her wheelchair and said "yes he is, I'm going to bring you right to him before we go in".  I miss DH every day, but God I love NG.

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Candace, it’s so true isn’t it - yesterday but a lifetime ago.

 

Thanks all for your comments.  This community was so important for my sanity in the early dark days of grief and now I learn so much from you all as I navigate through this next phase of what is starting to feel like my “new normal”. 

 

Kate

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