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candace0902

Stuck and still fall apart this time of year

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I havent been here in a while; like others I read alot but dont post often.  But its "that time of year" again and I see the wave coming and think "I am strong enough to get past this" but fall apart.  So much happens between Thanksgiving and the first week of January.  His birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year and December 2nd would have been our 19th wedding anniversary.

 

Managed to get thru that but then I lost both of my 18 y/o cats within weeks of each other; the last living uncle and my dads wife  and a dear college friend all died suddenly and Xmas was my dads birthday and somehow I have to get past NYE, the day we first met after phoning and chatting online.  He spent most of Deceember in the hospital, was released on 12/30 and was back on 12/31.  He coded the next day and was on life support until i signed the DNR report when he went into total organ shutdown.

 

I tried dating a bit 3 years ago, but nothing ever clicked.  I married late and the hardest adjustment was having him always there.  When he died, I didnt know how to live alone.  Now, after 7 years I have learned how to live alone but I seem to crave isolation. I joined a church group, applied as a Foster at the APL and rescue centers and just joined a fitness center.  

 

Last spring I decided to downsize and put the house up for sale and started looking for another place to live.  Showings almost every day but few offers; and the stress took its toll on my health trying to keep the house and yard immaculate and keeping my senior cats and dog outside.   I did do some updating, new carpet in family room and basement; new flooring in kitchen, gettmy enormous deck up to code with railing but still  very few offers.  My financial advisor told me I should start my husbands social security and along with my investments I could retire which I did.

 

J stopped attending masses  when they had a lighting remembrence during the service.  I had no idea that when I lit that candle and spoke about my DH and father that I would be in tears.  I dont want to deal with all the empty chairs so I go on auto pilot and withdraw.  It will be 7 years in January.

 

I am so afraid of having to relive the pain of widowhood and loss, I shut off any opportunities to start living again.  I know I was at my physical and mental best when I joined the spinning, zumba and iron pump classes, so I am hoping this new membership will kickstart me back to that endorphin state and also become friends with fellow members.  I just dont know if I will ever be able to go beyond the friend stage.  My sibs are all grandparents now and I watch the videos they post on FB of the little one's excitement and am jealous.  They all live out of state, but their kids (and grandkids) are less than 3 hours away.

 

I know I am babbling and I apogize for the pity party; but it helps to know that here, I will not be judged and told to get over it but accepted and when your heart feels like is breaking, knowing that I am not alone helps me hang on.  

 

Thank you to all the people who do post; this is my island where I am safe, and I thank all of you for that.

 

Candace

 

 

 

 

 

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You sound quite normal to me Candace. Do what YOU feel is best for YOU! The worse thing any of us can do is let others tell us what or how to live after what we have been through.

 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and do the best you can, that's all we can do in this world with what we have been handed.

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I hear you.

 

 I'm 6 years out. I have recoupled- but I'm so afraid of going through that devastation again I can't get married. I'm past the worst of the ptsd- but I have no idea what will happen when the twins graduate in 2 years and go off to college....

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Hi Candace - I remember you from the old board. My dad died last year. It has been really hard for me. I lost that last person that really loved me more than anything. In ten years I lost both parents and my husband. I hate being alone, but I'm not sure that I have the strength to change it. Keep on keepin' on as they say. If you believe it can get better, it will, right? 

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Hi Candace. I was right there with you on the old board.  I had my wedding anniversary in Dec., and it would have been 28 yrs.  And my LH's death is this month, also.  7 yrs.  It has been up and down for me, also. I have had periods of self growth and improvement that did work and helped, but then would go back to being a "lump" for a while.  I understand the ups and downs. 

Thanks for sharing.  And RemysWife, I remember you from the old board. And I too have lost my father, husband and mother now in the last 12 years. I have recoupled but not without lots of challenges.  And it is always there, the loss, the grief, the "what the heck happened to my world" thoughts/feelings.  I am here, too. 

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Hi Candace. I remember you from the old board. I just past 7 years in November. I have not dated. I attempted to by setting up an online profile. About a month later I realized I am not ready. I am also busy with my kids who were 2 and 5 when my husband passed. I am finally at a point where I feel I can move on in life. I was carrying the loss around with me. It was like a black cloud hanging over my head. Now I feel like, this is my life; while it may be different than what I wanted, I am ready to live it. I hope that makes sense. Some would say I am healed. Others would say finally!!! I say I am finally comfortable with all of it. I think of my husband daily. I wish he were here. Yet I am able to be happy and have joy in life.

 

We still grieve. A burst of anniversaries and life events can trigger us. We have to do what is best for us. Grieve, reach out to those who understand. You don't sound rambling to us. We get it. Sending you hugs,

Eileen

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I needed to see this post and the responses today. I'm coming up on 5 years (February 4th) and am having that feeling of grieving all over again. The anxiety is causing physical symptoms all over again too. 

 

I was actually thinking about getting back into a gym routine too. I  just need to make time. It does help. I'm just really overwhelmed by everything that's happening right now in my life. A lot of changes and financial pressure. 

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