Reflections on my marriage

[Bunny]

The other day I was thinking about some old friends of my husband’s who are barely, or no longer, in my life. Friends who truly love me and I them. It made me sad, and a bit hurt, that they were fading from my life, until I realized something; my husband and I basically had three core things in common: our favorite food was Mexican, we both loved to read, and we were totally obsessed with each other. So now that he was gone, the one thing I had in common with these people, of course they are disappearing. 

 

I mean, I’ve told people we were an ‘opposites attract’ kinda couple, but I don’t think I acknowledged, until recently, just how profoundly different we truly were. Perhaps now being with someone so similar to myself hammers that point home even more clearly. Honestly, it’s easier now. There is not so much need for us to accomodate the differences in order to keep the peace, and much less fighting due to those differences. My husband and I did those things because of love/chemistry/ whatever you call it when Fate overrides practicality. We were deeply happy about 85% of the time, and absolutely miserable the other 15%. I’m glad, and relieved,  I’ve gotten over almost all of my anger at him, because fighting with a dead man can be quite frustrating at times. I’m at the point in my grief where I try to keep it shoved way down, instead of examining every tiny nuance. I’m hoping to eventually end up somewhere in between those two. 

 

Man, life is truly fuckin’ weird. 

[Captains wife]

Thank you for posting - I hear you, re: anger towards someone who is gone IS exhausting. It took me a long time to let that dissipate.... I am dating someone now who is a closer match for me in a lot of ways vs. my DH - I'm not trying to compare...its just that I notice the differences and the way that conflict is handled is much better now and I don't miss the conflict. I don't miss some other things either - although I really miss him being here for our son. He was an awesome father. Early on, its all I could think about - the sadness and anger and now (almost 9 years later - yikes!) it pops up periodically....and I wonder what our lives would look like now if all this hadn't happened. Like you, people from our lives have disappeared and I think about them periodically. Ive come to accept that this is part of the ebb and flow of life. So many new people in my life now that weren't here when DH was alive...and so many people that have exited or Im not close to anymore. Wishing you all the best,

[Bunny]

I don’t want to start a new topic so I’m putting this here.

 

Well. This has been a big ol’ month for me. I finally sold my husband’s truck- a custom ‘65 Ford, so bit of a niche audience. I thought for a while I’d keep it, but it’s too hard for me to drive and needs work. It was just sitting there. I’ve had a few offers over the years, but I didn’t want any of them owning his truck, or maybe I wasn’t ready, who knows? But I’m happy with who it went to, felt like Fate. 

 

I sat in that truck the morning my husband died. It was day 5 of his coma and someone told me sometimes a loved one can’t die if you’re right there. So I let go of his hand and told him I was leaving so he could die away from me if he needed that. Then I went outside and sat in his truck for who knows how long. When I came back he was still breathing, so I said ‘okay’ and held his hand until he died a short time later. 

 

Also, for the first time, I talked to my bf about the last few days of my husband’s life and about his death. It was not a calm beautiful experience like in the movies, so I’ve learned to step around that time. I spent my first 6 months of grief engulfed in those memories so I don’t feel bad avoiding them now. I didn’t even cry when I told him.