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Newtothis

I { } someone new.

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/deardiary 

 

Well, 2 if you count my first (maybe last) lesbian encounter on New Years, which I kind of don’t, because I like men. I mean titties are nice lol but I need that hard body.

 

hi strangers. I just feel like I have to let this out to people who have been there.

 

its been almost 7 months. Maybe that’s nothing. When my husband died I thought I was never going to have sex again. When a few days later I found out he had been fkn a rehab slut, I was devastated of course, but also liberated. I honored my vows. Death parted us. I’m free.

 

and I just needed to be touched. Last week I gave a man who was smitten with my dancing (I’m dancing a lot these days) my number. We flirted over text, got to know each other a tiny bit, and 3 days later, I needed to be touched, so I sent a dirty text. I told him how confusing it was to want to feel someone else’s warm body after 17 years. I told him I liked thinking about what his warm body would feel like. It escalated pretty quickly from there and the next thing I know I was fkn him in the same room as my husband’s ashes. I would give it a 5. I miss my husband’s body, the mind-blowing physical/spiritual/emotional connection we built in thousands of sessions. He was my physical ideal. I probably won’t ever text this guy again. But damn if I didn’t need to be touched. 

 

And now im back in these waters. I met my husband when I was 20. I’m taking this time to rediscover who I am outside a marriage. I hope that when I have recovered enough, when I am whole again (if I’ve ever been), the universe will send me a mate. For now though, it’s 2019. I’m a grown woman. I probably won’t make it a practice to fk strangers after 3 days of texting but I’m not even mad at myself. I have loved and been loved. Maybe I will love again. But for now I’m working on loving myself, and leaving my heart open to the next great adventure.

 

thanks for the space

 

 

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I totally get it. My LH was very touchy-feely  physical, sexual being when we were alone so when he died I soon found myself starving from skin deprivation. He was my high school sweetheart and I didn't date as an adult. I had to figure myself out and decide what I wanted. I had a quick encounter as well 1 year out and it really helped that craving/starvation feeling that plagued me. I never saw him or contacted him again. I analyzed the encounter knowing that not having a mental connection and affection with the man was never going to work. That guy wasn't it. You will learn from this experience as I did. Hugs and good luck! 

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