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powbesh

Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

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This is brutal.  I never knew how different life in general would seem to me until I lost my beloved husband.  Right now, I really don't care if I die & I don't care if that feeling stays with me until I can do something to end it. We were married 37 years, and we had no children.  It was just he & I, especially after we both entered retirement.  After that, we were together almost 24/7. And now, that part of me is gone. I'm still in OUR home but it just seems empty now, even tho I see us together in every inch I see around me. Maybe I'm not making much sense right now, but I'm just trying to get something down on paper, even if it's virtual paper.  

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So sorry for the pain you are feeling, everyone on this board has felt that same pain.  The intensity and frequency of my pain gradually lessened, and most others here seem to have had similar experiences.  Hang in there, hugs

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So sorry Powbesh for the loss of your dear husband.  What you said makes perfect sense to me. I remember feeling what you described. Take it one day at a time.  You'll get there in your own time.  

Hugs to you

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Thank you for your words of comfort & support.  I need all the help I can get as I am sure all the broken hearts on this site need. 

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I am sorry you have joined us here but know we are here for you to listen, to read, and to talk. What you are experiencing is normal. You need to process and grieve. It takes time. It sounds cliche but it's true. Time softens the blow. Stay hydrated, cut yourself slack, and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. It's different for everyone. Hugs! 

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Was there a point where you wanted to die & join the one you lost?  It seems like there's no reason for me to go on. I have no kids, no family. But I don't know the best way to die.

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I'm so sorry on the loss of your beloved husband.  You are making sense, grief is all consuming and it takes awhile to process and to try and slowly move forward in our life.  I did not actively try to die, but in those early dark days I remember feeling that if it should happen that would be just fine.  I remember thinking also that there was no reason to go on, although difficult to see right now there are plenty of reasons to go on.  Please know that time softens this hardship, we are here and can relate to the feelings that you are having.  Gentle hugs .... 

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Thank you, trying2breathe.  You felt exactly what I'm feeling now, that if I die that will be fine with me.  Wherever he is, that's where I'll be, even if it's nowhere.

If I can just hang on, then maybe I can help others who go thru this brutal pain.

 

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Powbesh -  my heart goes out to you; I feel your pain.  For me, this life is unbearable.  Steve is gone three years and my mom died a year ago.  I went from taking care of Steve to helping with my mom (we had an aide and my sister lived with my mom).  I experienced and still do experience all those thoughts - wanting to be with our loved ones and leaving this place of pain.  Although we feel like we want to die, it may be more about getting out of the pain than actually ending it.  I also have no human kids (have fury children whom I love so much and they love me) and no family or friends.  I do have two sisters but they have been emotionally abusive to me.  On the positive,  it took me one year to feel better after Steve died. Months later I even dated someone for a short time.  I saw every red flag and went with it anyway.  Time does help.  Right now I am reliving the grief for both Steve and my mom.  Very difficult when you also have severe depression.  My recommendation is therapy and support groups. However, I know it is hard to leave the house when you are in so much pain.  I am currently going through this.  It is so hard when you feel like you don't have one person in the world who cares about you. Meds can help - at least when you are going through the worst of times.  I take meds prescribed by a psychiatrist.   Sorry this is so long.  Please feel free to PM me.  Maybe we can be support buddies. 

 

I posted a lot at the beginning of my journey and then stopped.  Reaching out is very difficult but it is probably necessary for all of us.

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LTSLforever, your message did not seem long at all to me!  Can you please tell me what your psychiatrist prescribed?  I've been using a antidepressant for a decade because that's

how long I've been sole caregiver for my precious Richard.  Now he's gone, and those pills are doing NOTHING for me.  Maybe I can ask my GP about the meds you're using now.

Can't leave the house yet. Can't even bathe. Can only sit & think about when & how to liquidate all possessions and then find a way to end the pain forever.

I would love to PM you, but, alas, I don't know how to do that.  Maybe you could teach me?

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So sorry to see you in this club. Just take one day at a time and eat and drink lots of water. It will take some time before you will little reduction in pain.

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MR, I can drink lots of water (and wine) but eating is the thing I cannot do.  Food just tastes like nothing to me & I have no appetite at all. Am wondering how long it takes

before I'll starve to death.

 

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powbesh - - I will PM you  later or tomorrow morning. I have only used the PM feature  a few times (long time ago) but I think I can figure it out.  I, too, have been on meds (tried different ones) for many years.  Some don't work.  Unfortunately, it can take a long time to find the proper medication and the proper dosage. I am somewhat treatment resistant.  I am using one off label medication to help me.  I also take a medication for anxiety which helps the depression.  Details will be included in my PM.  Not bathing - I experience that and still do.  All related to grief and depression.  Try to eat something - even if it's a few bites every few hours.  If I lived near you, I would bring you food and hugs.

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You're very kind.  You've also taught me I'm not the only one who abandons things like food & hygiene!  There has been deep pain from other losses in my life, but nothing compares to this. This is a pain that takes everything away from me.

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Powbesh, hang in there. It sounds like your husband was sick for a long time. Those first few days and weeks are very disorienting as all your caregiving comes to an abrupt halt. Sometimes caregivers forget how to take care of themselves. These early days just focus on the basics of nourishment and sleep. Exercise is good, too -- even just a walk in fresh air. Try to surround yourself in things that bring you comfort. Maybe a cozy blanket or a favorite movie and call a friend to come over and just talk or sit with you. Hugs!

 

abl  

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Thank you, Abitlost.

For now, I can barely put one foot in front of the other. And food tastes like paper.

But this community gives me something to lean on & I am so grateful to you & others who are teaching me ways to soothe the pain.

Maybe reaching out, itself, is a good sign.  I don't really know, but will find out in time.

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powbesh - I sent you 2 messages.  At the top of this page is an envelope; it is next to your screen name.  When you click it, you will see "compose message" and a little lower down it reads "go to inbox".  You can read and respond to messages in that area. If I did not explain this correctly, can someone please give better instructions.   

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On 1/22/2019 at 12:30 PM, powbesh said:

MR, I can drink lots of water (and wine) but eating is the thing I cannot do.  Food just tastes like nothing to me & I have no appetite at all. Am wondering how long it takes

before I'll starve to death.

 

Its normal not to feel like eating.. I lost almost 15 or more pounds in 3 weeks of her sickness and similar in next 2 months. So hang in.... I would eat little but eat as had to else who will take care of kids. I was sleeping like 3 hours a day and still no issues. Slowly slowly sleep increased and now after almost 2.5 years i am able to sleep 5-6 hours which can be considered normal. Doc wanted to take some meds but i didn't as i know i have to stick to them for life long. 

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MR, do you really think meds would be a lifetime thing?  I'm using marijuana, valium, celexa, & wine. Nothing really helps, I want something stronger.

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6 hours ago, powbesh said:

MR, do you really think meds would be a lifetime thing?  I'm using marijuana, valium, celexa, & wine. Nothing really helps, I want something stronger.

 

My friend lost his wife and started taking meds to sleep. He is still unmarried and after 19 years he still needs them. I would sleep only for 3 hours for like 6 months or more after having 5-6 drinks and still wouldn't get great sleep but i was going to gym more often. Now days i get sleep without that many drinks and can easily sleep for 5-6 hours.

 

Don't make habit of using these meds as they have side effects but again i am not a doctor.

 

 

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MR, problem is, I still can't climb back into the bed we shared.  So am trying to sleep on the sofa.

Gotta have the TV on for background comfort. I'm reaching out for help, but if this brutal pain doesn't

end. then I don't even want any help.

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Besides being a widower, I am a pharmacist, so I feel qualified to offer a little guidance on the medication discussion going on here.  Grief is an entirely different animal than depression.  I get seasonal affective disorder and end up taking an antidepressant for several weeks each year in late fall/early winter. This helps with the sleep disturbance and apathy I get from seasonal affective disorder.  I also went through depression a couple years after my wife originally got (and stayed) sick, as I had constant stress and worry over many years trying to help her and adjusting to my life having changed forever.

Not everyone with depression needs to take medication for the rest of their life.  Some do, some don't.  Sometimes depression is caused by short term issues (relationship problems, hating your job, illness etc) that get better, and the depression starts to lift after these situations improve.  Antidepressants are not addictive (I know no one here said that, just throwing it out there as it is a common misconception).  They should, however, be tapered off over a period of a few weeks when you feel you are ready to stop them.  Sometimes it takes trying a few antidepressants before finding the right fit in terms of efficacy and side effects.

No antidepressant is going to take away your grief, nor should it.  Grief is a normal thing for everyone who has to go through the hell we have all gone through, it shouldn't be "fixed" with a pill and won't be fixed by a pill.  That being said, we all need to function in life.  Some of us may need medication occasionally to help with sleep, but sleeping pills should not be taken every night (but are probably better for you than having 5-6 drinks to be able to fall asleep).  Things like meditation and exercise can be helpful both for stress relief and improving mood and sleep.

Where you have pre-existing depression, powbesh, I'm not saying you should stop taking our antidepressant, just suggesting you evaluate the expectations of what the medication can do to help you, as the effect of losing a partner is bound to cause sleepless nights and feeling like "Life is pointless without this person".  I still occasionally feel this way, 2.5 years since my wife died.  Hopefully as time passes, these feelings will become less intense and less frequent for you, more bearable, even if they never completely disappear.

I'm not trying to be judgemental here with anyone, as we all struggle to figure out our lives again after losing our closest relationship.  Just hoping my background as both a widow and pharmacist can be helpful in this discussion.  I'm happy to help with any other med-related questions/opinions anyone may have on this topic.  Hugs, Paul

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Powbesh, the pain right now might feel unbearable, but it gets easier, I promise! I, too, couldn't sleep in our bed for months. The TV had to be on in order for me to sleep. 10 years later, I didn't even remember those things until you mentioned them. You'll get through this, and you'll feel happiness again. Hang in there!

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Thank you, Paul, for your insight & professional information.  I have been taking, not only MY meds, but also his, in an effort to ease the pain, and you are correct.

Nothing works!  Wine, Celexa, marijuana, oxybutinin,  doxepin, & Hydrocodon.  It is a combination that helps me sleep well, but the pain is there waiting for me as

soon as I wake up. NOTHING eases the pain.

It's kind of you to offer your help, Paul. Maybe the kindness of others will help more than all the wine & meds I've been trying. Am glad I found this group.

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Powbesh,

Sorry that you're here. Put one foot in front of the other. Drink lots of water. YOU will find the strength to hold on...you're stronger than you will ever know. Take all of the time that you need; do not let others dictate your schedule.

 

We're all here for each other.

 

I love and miss you Latisha.

Edited by Callobg
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