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powbesh

Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

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Thank you, Callobg. I know others mean well, but it makes me angry when they try to impose on my sadness.  So I appreciate what you've said about others trying to dictate my schedule. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but, jeez.......I need time, time alone with my honey who is never coming back. How long has it been for you, Callobg?  My life left me only 10 days ago. Friends really should understand that I need more time. Am still raw.

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Powbesh, I'm sorry you have joined this awful club that none of us really want to be part of.  But I'm glad you found us because we all get it and what you are feeling is "normal".  As others have said, drink plenty of water, and just take it hour by hour, day by day.  I remember not caring if I lived or died...not that I would have taken my own life, but if something happened to me, I was okay with that.  I also remember sitting alone forcing myself to eat something or making dinner and wondering "why bother". 

 

What I can tell you is that it does get better.  I know that it so very hard to believe at this point.  But keep coming here and reaching out to us.  It has only been 10 days for you...just be kind to yourself and don't feel you need to do anything you don't want.  It sounds like you have some friends who are trying to reach out.  They just don't get it (fortunate for them).  Unless they've lost their true love, the love of their life, the person you lived and breathed for, they cannot understand (lucky for them).  This is a time for you to be selfish...do what feels right at the moment and take baby steps.

 

Sending virtual hugs,

Jean

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Thank you, Jean. Like you once felt, I do not care If I live or die.  Would take my own life if only I knew how to do it.  And eating is next to impossible!  Am mostly relying on the

nutritional drinks he left behind.

Yes, I know my friends mean well, but the last thing I feel like doing is lunch & a movie.

Give me a break!!!

This Widda group is helping me and I hope to repay in kind some day, even though I certainly don't wish this immense pain on anyone. 

Meanwhile, I am most grateful for this virtual shoulder to lean on.  It makes me feel like I'm not alone even tho in reality I m.

 

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I can't be around people.  Friends mean well......they offer to visit, take me to lunch, take me to a movie, etc.

But I don't want to do any of those things.  I don't even want visitors!  Should I force myself to be among the living, or should I continue in my isolation.

Does it help to do things you really don't want to do?

 

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Powbesh, this is so early for you and your friends just don’t understand what you need. You don’t have to make yourself go out with them. Is there anyone that you can talk to on a very real basis to try to explain what you need?

 

After my second husband died, I really needed my space and was bothered having people in my house. Although I had room for some people to stay at the time of his memorial service 4 weeks after he died, I told one of my sisters that having people in my house exacerbated the anxiety I was experiencing. She was able to tell the rest of my family in a way that respected my needs, and they all decided that they would stay at a hotel if that was better for me. 

 

Realize that we would not have known what this was like before having the unfortunate experience of losing our spouses. You might just have to have a really honest conversation with SOMEONE who can relay information to other people that you know. Or...perhaps you can write one email to a group of friends thanking them for reaching out to you, but explaining that you are not up to accepting invitations at this time. 

 

It can be uncomfortable, but perhaps this approach might be better than continued intrusions into your very personal space right now. 

 

Xoxo 

 

Maureen

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On 1/25/2019 at 7:40 AM, powbesh said:

 but the pain is there waiting for me as

soon as I wake up. NOTHING eases the pain.

 

I had soooo much trouble sleeping. I used copious amounts of alcohol, combined with various natural remedies, to try to reach the oblivion of sleep. i remember waking up and the minute I reached consciousness bursting into tears, just laying there weeping until my ears were full of tears. No one ever told me grief caused so much physical pain. Before widowhood, I required silence and darkness to sleep. Afterwards, I discovered falling asleep to binge watching shows on Netflix. It would take me forever to find a position that hurt the least, my body surrounded by various pillows and blankets, a bottle of his hair clutched tightly in my hand. 

 

It does get softer with time, but where you are right now just plain SUCKS. 

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10 hours ago, powbesh said:

 Should I force myself to be among the living, or should I continue in my isolation.

Does it help to do things you really don't want to do?

 

 

I am not of the opinion that isolation is the answer for you. Of course, that doesn't mean you have to go with every invitation or have folks over. But to hole up in your place in as fragile of a condition that you describe is not healthy either.

 

In some of your other threads others have mentioned finding a therapist that can help you process this crisis in a productive and healthy manner. She/he can put together a plan with you that will help you to find a measure of peace and provide a path out of the darkness.

 

Please try to do that.

 

Best wishes, Mike

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Maybe some day I'll be able to help brokenhearted people the way you all are helping me. Right now, the only thing that really matters to me is to read your messages, both the very, very sad ones and the ones that hold forth modicums of hope.  

Now I know what it feels like to be an empty shell. The only comfort is in knowing I'm not alone. There are others, unfortunately, who understand & who feel my pain.  Each one of you has my gratitude and also my deepest sympathy.  

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7 minutes ago, powbesh said:

Maybe some day I'll be able to help brokenhearted people the way you all are helping me. Right now, the only thing that really matters to me is to read your messages, both the very, very sad ones and the ones that hold forth modicums of hope.  

Now I know what it feels like to be an empty shell. The only comfort is in knowing I'm not alone. There are others, unfortunately, who understand & who feel my pain.  Each one of you has my gratitude and also my deepest sympathy.  

What becomes of the brokenhearted?

Edited by powbesh
too many spaces

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We all survive. Eventually, in different timeframes, we learn to function without our love with us.  Many of us truly thrive again, even though we thought it would be impossible. 

 

It it is hard to have hope at this point for you.  I am glad you found this site and are reaching out. It was through the predecessor of this board that I first found connection with other widowed people. I saw them laughing (and crying) and I knew then that I could laugh as well as cry.

 

I have actually been widowed twice. I found a second great love (although that is not what happiness might mean for everyone) and then I lost my second love as well. I’m still upright and working to make my life happier. I truly hate being miserable, and that motivates me to keep working toward being able to live a more satisfying life. 

 

Hang in there. Perhaps you can find a grief counselor (try a local hospice for recommendations) and just keep getting up every day and taking things one day at a time. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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Found out about a local group of people who have loved & lost. My first time with the group will be today at 1 p.m.  There is a person from hospice who spends time with us and answers any questions one might have.  I do hope this helps me in some way.  This pain right now is real close to being more than I can bear & I know everyone on this site knows what I'm talking about. For now, Widda is my lifeline. 

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The bereavement group was not what I hoped it would be.  The people there were very kind, but almost all of them were grieving losses that occurred a long time ago, & only a few had lost their spouses.  Most of them lost parents & there was even one who was grieving the loss of her financial status.

This forum helps me way more than that group did.  Am going to ask my GP to recommend a grief counselor.  Meanwhile, thank you, Widda, for being there.

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I went to a grief group.  There were about 6 of us, but only two of us with spouses.  It ended up us two, as the others did not return.  I don't know why, but hearing our stories of yrs. of marriage may have not matched their needs/losses.  I was happy to meet with the grief counselor and the other widow.  The grief counselor was widowed in her 40s with 3 kids, teen to toddler, so she really understood as well.  Good luck finding a good fit. It can be helpful but you have to find the right situation/group.

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I attended a grief group a couple of years after my husband died, was past the early and darkest days but it did help to share with others and feel a sense of belonging.  I also found a grief therapist that was also widowed and left alone to raise a teenager.  We connected on many levels, and after 5+ years I still go back occasionally to check in with her.  I remember early days of staying at home in pajamas, felt some comfort in setting aside time to journal and record my thoughts and also checked out and read many widow books.  Hope you find a good group, powbesh

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Yesterday two of my closest girlfriends came to visit.  We watched a scary movie, and they stayed with me for 6 hours!  We drank wine, ate candy, and I actually laughed a few times!

This morning is a different story.  Back to keening and wailing and wishing I were dead.  Still in my pajamas, like you used to do.  Am going to try & record my thoughts. That sounds like a suggestion that might actually ease my pain.  After more than 5 years, you still hurt.  It just never goes away, does it. 

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