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powbesh

Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

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Today I left the house to pick up a new pair of glasses. I ordered them the morning of his first day in the hospital (Jan 11) & just picked them up today.

It was awful.  Nothing seems real to me. Nothing matters. I'm just a zombie going thru the motions of a living person.  He died one week ago today.

I'm trying a lot of different things to dull the pain:  wine, valium, marijuana, nicotine, celexa, hell, I'm even taking oxybutynin. After all, it's a drug, right?

Where do I go from here?  Even if I decide to end it all, I don't want to do it until I've liquidated our assets and made a donation to a charity in his memory.

Meanwhile, I just want to feel a little bit better.  I don't want to suffer.

 

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Please hang on.  Numbing may help you survive, but stunt your grief process, too. Seek professional counseling if you need to. It takes time. I remember not remembering those days.  A blur.  Give yourself time to heal.  You will not stay in this state forever. That is why we are here. To know it does change and often gets better, though it may take years.  Did me. 

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Powbesh, going out of the house is very difficult. It does seem like going through the motions of a living person, but YOU ARE a living person. There is a huge difference between not caring whether you wake up or not in the morning, and actively taking steps NOT to wake up. I know for a very long time (or so it seemed then) that I could have happily died in my sleep and been okay with that. 

 

I am not sure that what you are talking about is the same thing, and I agree with tybec. Please get help with the medications. There are certainly things that can take the edge off, but you should be under the care of a professional for them. 

 

Peace,

 

Marie

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I have to agree with Tybec and Hachi, numbing is not the answer.  From what I've read I'm concerned you are going to overdose.  I remember not caring if I lived but I didn't work to harm myself. In those horrid early days I made a promise to myself to get out of the house once a day, even if just for a short walk.

Wise words that stuck with me early out..... "If you're going through hell, just keep going" I said that to myself more times than I can count but eventually things started to smooth out.  It was in baby steps for me but it did eventually happen.

Hugs

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The pain can be so intense in the early days. It can feel unbearable. One thing I know is that I have survived every single day since I was first widowed 9 1/2 years ago. I remember saying that I wanted to just lay down on my side of our burial plot and fall asleep and not wake up. That way, all that people would need to do is dig a hole and roll me in.  I was also a long term caregiver. For me, I had to have something to focus on to keep moving forward. Work and returning to college were some of my vehicles for moving through each day. I also connected with other widowed folks and developed friendships that have persisted for over 9 years. 

 

You can can do this. We have all survived this nightmare. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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It was so difficult to go out in the beginning.  Seeing the world is still moving as you are in a walking haze.

Try and be easy on yourself , this is hard but we are here to listen.

I have printed out a saying that one of the wonderful members had

I still look at it on tough days but those days are further apart now 

 

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possible endure,

I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100%

and that is pretty good "

 

Take Care ,

 

Nancy 

 

 

 

 

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This is why we are here.  We are to support each other and make it through. Donswife, I use that phrase all the time.  My Track record is 100%. Used it last weekend, the 7th anniversary of my LH's accident and death.  Not sure who posted it, but it is from here. 😊

 

Hang on Powbesh. We can do this!  

Edited by tybec
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I get it. As much as I can, because each of our grief situations is unique. When my husband died, I suddenly lived alone since I don’t have children, and I think not having kids to take care of can lead one into some risky behaviors. I spend quite a while pretty much on my front porch smoking and drinking. I tried his leftover cancer pot for a while, but it wasn’t my cup of tea. I took my doctor prescribed lorazepam when things felt particularly unbearable, but didn’t really like the way it made me feel. Were these positive, pro-active, helpful choices? Probably not, and I do feel bad I couldn’t have been the widow who took up meditating and exercising instead, but I’m trying to let that guilt go. 

 

At that time, I lived by this quote from Friedrich Nietzsche: “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it gets one through many a dark night.” Widowhood gave me an even deeper understanding of that quote. I needed to know I controlled at least one damn thing in my life. I - me!- I controlled the decision to stay here. No one else. And every painful fucking day I made the decision to stay here, choosing different reasons all the time, as needed. I struggled and clawed my way through the pile of shit fate handed me. And I broke A LOT of things, because it felt really good to destroy things. Too late,  I saw the recommendation of throwing ice against a wall/tree outside- clean up would have been so much easier. And I probably should have bought that punching bag...

 

Heres the thing- the minute your mate dies you are thrust into this parallel universe where absolutely nothing makes sense anymore, where everything seems to have lost their meanings. All the color has drained away and you’re left wandering around among people who have no idea you are on a different plane because it all looks the same to them. They simply can’t comprehend the complete shift of your existence, which makes it even more difficult and frustrating. 

 

But, slowly, you figure out how to navigate this new existence. You start forcing yourself to do positive things, like plant some stupid flowers, because some day in the future you are going to actually be happy when you see them shoot up in the Spring. And you accept that friend’s offer to go out somewhere and socialize even though you have Zero Desire because it’s your ‘widow homework’, because you are trying so very hard to learn how to survive this new existence. And, slowly, to eventually even thrive in it. For some people this happens in a matter of weeks, some take months, others take years. 

 

For me, now, 6 1/2 years later, I do meditate and exercise- or at least I give it some serious effort now! And I do have actual, real moments of profound happiness. Time helps to soften those hard edges. Hang on, have faith things will improve- no matter how ludicrous that may seem in this present moment. Peace. 

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