This is the story, I don’t understand how to feel about it.

[HayleyNicole]

I’ll start this post by saying that me and Patrick never married, we were waiting until after college so we could afford a nice wedding out of state. We were broke and in love, I had picked out a ring, but again, we were broke. Our whirlwind relationship started on October 7, 2012 with him living in Maryland at the time. He moved in three months later and for the next 6 years, we were completely inseparable. I know you guys hear this all the time, but I have never met anyone nearly as close as him and I. Sadly, Patrick was plagued by mental illness. He suffered from complex PTSD, Major Depression, Social Anxiety, and ADHD. His life was not an easy one, and we had been in the process of therapy sessions and new medications for months. He was finally looking up, we had a plan to get him on some form of assistance due to how bad his illness was. On the night of January 29th, we had some drinks and a few laughs. Patrick was acting life his usual drunk self, he begged me to dance with him but I was so tired, I refused. He was upset with me and went to lay down in the living room. I entered the room and told him that the bed was softer and had better blankets. 10 minutes later he came in the room, he stood for a minute but since he was in the middle of an anxiety attack, he didn’t speak to me. I told him that I was sorry, and that I loved him more than anything. He smiled, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and went outside. I fell asleep, and then woke up to a call at 3:30am on January 30th saying that my car was found in a state that they wouldn’t specify on the phone. At 5am, I found out he was in it. I didn’t even know he left the house. I’m so mad that he did this, but I’m more hurt than anything. I loved that man so much more than I ever thought possible. The grief is eating me alive and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. Now his mother, who was the cause of his PTSD, is handling all the arrangements because we didn’t marry. He hadn’t spoken to her in so long and now I have to plaster on a fake smile just to try and make this situation bearable. I miss him so much, I’m only 22 and wasn’t prepared to lose him for a very long time. 

[beanless]

I am so sorry that this happened to you.  I know that the grief is overwhelming at this time, of course you want to crawl in a hole.  I am a new widow myself, and there a lot more people on this board who have a lot more wisdom than I do.  Do you have a friend or family that can be there for you during this horrible and early time?

[HayleyNicole]

My family won’t leave me alone, despite how much I want them to. Also my best friend Brian has been staying over, but he kind of makes it worse because we were all so close to each other. I’m sorry you are going through this too, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs to you.  I’m so sorry you lost your wonderful love. This is an incredibly sad situation, and that is made more difficult when you don’t have any control over what is happening with the arrangements.

 

There are important things to remember. Patrick chose you as his family. That matters, even if his family doesn’t understand that. You can always choose to find a way to celebrate Patrick’s life that reflects the person you knew.

 

His family’s experience and perspective might be very different from your reality. You don’t have any control over what they think. It may be very difficult, but you may have to take a back seat to his family. No matter what, nobody can take away from you what you had with Patrick. Hold onto your memories.

 

Grieve as best you can through the next days and weeks. The limelight will fall away.  (It always does, no matter what the family circumstances are.). You may need to negotiate with his family to get anything you might want in regard to his arrangements. If you can do your best to respect their grief under difficult circumstances and maintain a certain amount of decorum, you might have more success. 

 

The loss of a life partner is something that many others can’t understand or fathom. This is especially true for people as young as you. This is one reason that this site exists. I hope you find support here. 

 

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. 

 

Maureen