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I just want to go with the flow


klim
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I'm in a two year relationship and my boyfriend keeps threatening me with a ring.In a way I jest but we do have a difference of opinion on our need to be attached through vows. Somehow committment through marriage scares me at the moment and I'm not sure why......

I want to go with the flow and let things happen slowly.. I keep pondering why? 

 

Right now I'm working and I live the week at my place and spend the weekends at the house I bought that my BF rents from me( it's basically "our" house.) I'm happy with this arrangement but I know bf would like more time together. I'm also investing both time and money in a business that bf runs. So on many levels I'm committed ( and long term) to this relationship. 

I'm retiring from my job in June and that's where I get nervous. Now my safety net of "i have to go to work so I have to be home" disappears. I'll have no excuse to stay separate. I don't think he gets my need to be home some, to check on my "boys" and to just be by myself in my zone for a bit.  And that has me also questioning me..why do I need that? 

The answers I come up with are valid ...I think....but then maybe not. 

 

 I believe part of it is my role as a parent is not quite complete. My boys are at an age and particularly one has a disposition( he suffers from depression) that makes changing their living situation difficult. In otherwords BF moving in would be too disruptive, me moving out or having them move out isn't really an option either.

BF is ADHD to the extreme, very dependent on people interaction and so time together is usually very busy , running around etc. It's why he's good with business and why it's fun and exciting to be with him but it also means he ignores details like house maintenance and some other more mundane aspects of life. So even chilling at his place has another layer to it because I feel the need to catch up on some of the things hes ignored. So I like to get home to my house for a while every once in a while to truly chill.

 

And then when I analyse all this i wonder will this ever be smooth and right.....and I think the answer is yes given time for all involved to evolve.

 

Thanks for listening to my ramblings, comments always appreciated.

 

Edited by klim
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I have come to realize in my dating encounters since being widowed that recoupling is SUCH  a different experience vs. getting married and having children together (the first time around). I also have come to a lot of self realizations since being widowed and, more than ever, I know myself (good and bad) and what I need and what my son needs. After the hurt of being widowed (and all that happened after that), I need to move slowly in relationships and it wouldn't surprise me if a lot of widows/widowers are similar... I am sure part of this holding back reflects the hurt I've been through but I also think I have some doubts about the current blending situation I'm in, given divorce issues on his side that I have trouble dealing with.

 

I wonder, in your case, if you have some doubts that are holding you back from wanting to make such a firm commitment as marriage (and full time co-habituating)? That is such a different stance in a relationship vs. dating, especially with children involved. Maybe there is an inner voice telling you what you need (right now), especially with the responsibility of your boys etc.? Spending time together and living together are VERY different - and maybe you need space from life's chaos and maybe you need space to take care of your boys which is why separate living arrangements work. I soooo get this - my NG is high energy, has a lot of drama in his life (including some current difficult behavior with his son) and there is NO WAY I would co-habitate and put myself in the middle of this right now....I know myself well enough that I couldn't handle all this, on top of my single parenting duties work, stresses of life etc. If I had met NG in my 30s, I would have married him in a heartbeat - but life is different now and there are more than 2 people involved plus we have all been through some pretty difficult life circumstances. I need peace and calm and a non-toxic living space. Maybe you are used to having your own space, you have some concerns about NG's different living style? And that's ok....

 

At this stage in life, I believe there is no need to rush into the next step of a relationship and its important to recognize your needs and wants right now. Its not easy, I know, especially when you really care about someone and your wants are different. But its clear how committed you are to this relationship and hopefully he recognizes that and realizes there is no rush.....Its better to take your time and make sure this change is the best thing for all involved (including most importantly you) rather than jump into a situation that you have doubts about to make someone else happy.

 

Wishing you all the best....

Edited by Captains wife
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There’s a lot going on here, so I’ll just address one aspect I can relate to.

 

I have friends that need constant stimulus- whether it’s always having the TV on or music playing, or needing to be busy with something. They are just not good with silence or stillness. I love spending time with them, it can be invigorating and enjoyable- to a point. After a while, I start to feel utterly exhausted.  Because, while I love being social, I’m the kind of person who recharges with quiet time. Lots of quiet time. I was trying to explain this to a friend who was confused that her bf couldn’t handle all the noisiness that is her and her children’s lives. She finds silence uncomfortable, it does not bring her joy. Another friend adores a crowded chaotic shopping excursion- it positively energizes her- while I am next to her feeling a bit overwhelmed. 

 

So I totally get your need for ‘me time’. Seriously- What you have right now sounds pretty ideal to me- children and bf getting your undivided attention in turns, with time to yourself also available. Each household is a chance to ‘escape’ from the cares and responsibilities of the other one. I think people move in together when it simply becomes a pain in the ass to keep traveling to and fro, when being all together sounds easier. It just doesn’t sound like you’re to that point yet. 

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I agree it is much more complicated blending families and households than meeting someone in your 20's or 30's and starting a family together.  I haven't dated much since the 2.5 years my wife passed, but I recently started dating a really wonderful woman.  Every part of me wants to spend more time with her, but we live about a 1.5 hour drive apart.  The bigger issue is taking my time to help my daughter's comfort level with me dating again.  

I really like this woman, and she does not bring a lot of baggage to the relationship (never married, no kids, had lived with a guy for 5 years who had 3 kids of his own), especially compared to how a widow is affected psychologically for future relationships.  She understands grief in a real way, as she lost her sister and good friend in a car accident when she was about 25 (15 years ago).  While I don't think experience with grief can be the basis of a good relationship, sometimes it helps to understand each other better and why you may respond certain ways in situations.

Anywho, she is fun, funny, smart, interesting and kind.  Just a good person who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.  I think she has similar feelings toward me.  i know we have lots of more time before we really know each other, but it is frustrating to have to take it slowly out of consideration for my daughter's feelings.  I feel I need to do this though, as her only parent (she is 15 years old).  I think NG and my daughter could really hit it off well if my daughter gives her a chance, which is my biggest hope right now.

Sorry for rambling and not passing along much insight to you KLim, just re-iterating that these new relationships aren't as simple as the first time around!

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I very much understand this. I have been with a new partner for seven years and we still have separate households. He has no children, I have two aged 13 and 9, and he is here about half the week. We have talked of marriage in the future--he has never been married, so it would be nice to do this for him--but to be honest, logistically and emotionally, it won't be for a while. As others have said, when you throw children into the mix...I have a teen that clashes with him, which brings tension, and much as I love him, he can be a real glass-half-empty person (parents from Yorkshire, he can't help it 🙂) at times, and a bit moody, which gets quite wearying mentally to be around. I wasn't used to it with my DH, and fear it might start to get me down if it was all the time. I can really relate to just wanting PEACE and a non-toxic home environment. I think after being widowed, we value calm and things just going along relatively happily. My children enjoying each other's company without fighting, my work going well, seeing friends, these are all so precious too. For his part, time away from my kids, doing his own thing and looking after his dad are good. He has never cohabited with anyone, so I think this suits us both for the moment.

The first couple of years he had religious friends asking him when we were getting married, but they seem to have stopped. I think people get into this 'go out with someone-buy house-shack up/marry' mentality (which I very happily did the first time round) as if that's the natural progression, when particularly as we get older, some of us have a more 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' mentality. And in Western societies, we are fortunate to be able to make such choices, because of course in many places, especially for widows, one doesn't have such choices.

 

Klim when you said 'And then when I analyse all this i wonder will this ever be smooth and right.....and I think the answer is yes given time for all involved to evolve. ' that really resonated with me. I can see the BF and I off travelling, living together, doing our various things when the kids have left maybe. Right now, 3 nights a week is perfect.

 

Sounds like you have a nice arrangement, no hurry to spoil it. As long as he knows you love him.

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2 hours ago, sudnlysngl said:

Kids grow up and leave home!

They do indeed, it's not that my entire existence revolves around the kids, at all. (Not sure if that's what you meant, sorry if it's not) Having a fancy man + children is rather nice 🙂 and we may cohabit before the youngest is out the door, but for various reasons , am happy with status quo at the moment.

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My kids could be out of the house soon....but they're not. I could kick them out of the nest and they might fly. The one probably would but I'd risk the other falling to the ground. That would be messy...trying to mend broken wings  and all. And then waiting till him to develop the confidence to try flight again. Think I'll be waiting till they feel ready to try. Hey I know how to fly, I'll just go visit other nests.

 

My "boys" are 20 and 23 and are in university....so soon.

 

Until then I think I like what BUnny said

 

"What you have right now sounds pretty ideal to me- children and bf getting your undivided attention in turns, with time to yourself also available. Each household is a chance to ‘escape’ from the cares and responsibilities of the other one."

 

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