Jump to content

Young Widow Forum

Register to view blogs.

Euf

A new WIDDA heading your way

Recommended Posts

A friend called me last week.  Her husband has cancer.  I don’t need to give the details, but she said “I’ll need you. Is that OK?” I said “Yes, anytime, day or night, call or show up or whatever you need to do or need me to do.” 

I will help as much as I can. I don’t know the prognosis at this point but I get the feeling that it isn’t good.  I hope I’m wrong.

So I’ve been thinking about what I can do. I know I can listen. I know I can let her talk.  I know I can let it be about her and what she needs.  

My husband died in 2006 and I was a member of YWBB (the place that preceded this place). It may be overly dramatic to say it (and I have been known to be overly dramatic) but YWBB saved my life.

Then YWBB closed down and not only closed down but erased everything that had been written.

I panicked when I saw they were doing that.  I didn’t even check YWBB out much anymore since it had been years since my husband died, but I felt as if I was being erased. As if my loss had no meaning. POOF!  Not worth keeping.

So some wonderful people gathered us all up and made this place: WIDDA

So I want to know if this place helps you. When I would check out WYBB (and I did it daily in the beginning) there were always so many people posting and commenting. You could also go back years and see what the first members wrote.

Sometimes I come here and I try to say something helpful and pay back the help that I received from the long time widows. But there doesn’t seem to be much activity. I feel as if I’m just talking to myself.

I’m not sure if it is just that I am no longer that hurting widow or something else.

So my question is: Is this a place that helps you?  I would have no hesitation to send her to WYBB but that place doesn’t exist anymore.

Any comments will be appreciated.  Thanks.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Widda is precious to me just now.  I re-coupled 2 1/2 years ago.  Around the end of September we learned that NG has stage IV cancer.  She is fighting but the prognosis is not good.  I'd give up bacon sooner than I'd give up WIDDA.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
4 minutes ago, Love2fish said:

Widda is precious to me just now.  I re-coupled 2 1/2 years ago.  Around the end of September we learned that NG has stage IV cancer.  She is fighting but the prognosis is not good.  I'd give up bacon sooner than I'd give up WIDDA.

Oh my God,  that's terrible.  Sorry to hear that.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

When I first went to YWBB, to be honest I'd post and not get a lot of feedback....it took a while to establish connections and it helped when I got more active on the board. But YWBB and this board have really, really helped me cope as a young widow (and single parent) and I'm so thankful for that. Its been an outlet for me when I felt I had no one in my social circle that understood and I have tried to help others on this board. I have encourage new widows I know to join this board or find a similar outlet. I know some parts of the board aren't as active as they used to be (and I do think there are general, increased concerns about posting private stuff online vs. the past) but I would encourage new widows here. I am almost 9 years out (wow, really) and even though I am dating plus my son and I have moved a far way away from those early, awful days of losing DH, I still utilize this board and connect with people on this Board when I can. I don't always go into the early widows section as, honestly, those early days were so painful but when I am feeling strong I try to post supportive comments.

Edited by Captains wife

Share this post


Link to post

This board certainly isn't as user-friendly as the last one. I've tried to edit/delete a couple old posts but found that I wasn't able to.

Share this post


Link to post

Yes it is helpful. I found the old website 2 yrs out.  It still was a support. And though I can’t go back, I can’t believe how much has changed for me.  I went from never wanting to recouple, lost in grief, to resuming that desire to date and the grief not be my center. Anger, upset to hope.  But still have those days no one gets.  But someone here does.😊.  

I do post and feel I monopolize threads because I need to share where I don’t believe it will come out  in my real life.  I have a few friends who I can still talk to about deep stuff but everyone’s  life keeps moving on, and I don’t think they can understand  7 yrs later how much my husband’s  death still impacts me.  So I come here.  Stay clear of the new grief.  Too hard like CW said.  Hope that helps. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

Yes I do find widda helpful even after 4 years, In the early days , months it truly got me through some very dark times.

Just to know you have people that understand your deep grief and that you are not crazy with what you are feeling is such a gift.

I have met some wonderful people here 

I do see at times it seems to go quiet and I hope that doesn't stop people from reading or posting.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I have only known Widda. A friend of mine from PTA lost her husband over 10 years ago to cancer and knew of the previous site. She knew of Widda and referred me here. I’m good at self therapy and talking things through but sometimes I wonder if I’m off the path or if I’m unreasonable and coming here to read was so very helpful and helped me validate my feelings and emotions. Engaging in direct conversation is ideal but having the resource to read at your own pace and time was what I needed. I too felt not many people would really understand where I was coming from. I had my own therapist for grief but a lot of the work has to be done within. This site is a vital tool to me. Although I feel better than about 3 years ago and I have someone new who I truly care for, I feel the need to stay and be here when anyone needs support.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I, too, found YWBB after my first husband died - just 4 weeks after he died. I took a leap of faith and attended my first bago just 2 weeks later. The people I met that day are amongst my dearest friends. That was in 2009. 

 

I took advantage of just about everything that YWBB had to offer, including the chat room that was affiliated with the site. I spent my evenings chatting with people across the US and abroad. We laughed, we cried, we shared our stories. I met my second husband through a group conversation that started in that chat room. 

 

YWBB was a treasure trove of wisdom and experience. I read there for hours every day in my first months. Over the years, I started posts of my own and responded to many, many others. I attended many bagos over the years. After I remarried and relocated half a continent away from my earliest widow friends, I would return back and call for everyone to get together.

 

 I had traveled back east for social reasons and I was surrounded by my widow friends from YWBB the day my second husband died unexpectedly. That night, I posted on YWBB about my husband’s death, and I received an amazing outpouring of support from people who I knew, as well as so many that I didn’t know.  

 

Just days later, I started developing medical problems and eventually had surgery. I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. Again, there was an outpouring of support from YWBB members. One friend that I had not yet met in person compiled a book of messages from board members. A couple of weeks later, board members from several states came and spent the weekend before my first oncology visit with me  - and although it was just a couple of months since I had lost my husband, we had a wonderful weekend. That is true friendship. 

 

I was was so dismayed when I read that YWBB was shutting down. YWBB held such an integral part of my history. I frantically tried to save posts and messages that I was afraid of forgetting. It was as if my hometown had been destroyed by fire. I know that sounds dramatic, but it was the home base of dear friends, as well as the physical space where I had met my first husband. 

 

I know that many seasoned members of the old board had stayed on to offer the kind support that they received when they were newer widow(er)s. When the board shut down, many made the decision to pass the torch to others. I understand. They had paid back for the support they received. Others stepped up to the plate and started this website. 

 

This is site has definitely been quieter. Social media has options that were not available or as prevalent when I joined YWBB. Perhaps that is one reason for less traffic here. I found YWBB through my good friend Google. Perhaps this site doesn’t have as big a presence. 

 

This site could be stronger if more if more people who read would feel more comfortable posting and responding. I should respond more often.  

 

I challenge others to post and respond more frequently. Start conversations. Seek out others who live near you or have circumstances to which you relate. Others on this road can be a great source of support. 

 

Hugs go to all, 

 

Maureen

Edited by Wheelerswife
Repeated word.
  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post

I agree with Captain's Wife that there are increased concerns about privacy, with serpico that the inability to edit or delete posts after an hour passes is a deterrent to posting, and with Wheelerswife that other social media platforms are where people congregated after YWBB closed.

 

Not everyone is on Facebook, and new members don't even have any idea that a group exists.

 

After the one-hour edit window was implemented, I became hesitant to post knowing things would stay etched into the internet for all eternity. I wish the moderators would eliminate that window, because sometimes a wid posts something that in retrospect s/he would like to not be forever reminded of, or something s/he doesn't want others to find, or something s/he wishes they could take back.  

 

abl 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
On 2/10/2019 at 3:29 PM, Euf said:

Sometimes I come here and I try to say something helpful and pay back the help that I received from the long time widows. But there doesn’t seem to be much activity. I feel as if I’m just talking to myself.

 

So my question is: Is this a place that helps you?  I would have no hesitation to send her to WYBB but that place doesn’t exist anymore.

Any comments will be appreciated.  Thanks.

 

 

Part of the issue is the old board and this one have very different "personalities" if you will. This is true of any forums that share the exact subject matter. The rules of the board, the moderators, and the posters all contribute to the unique personality of a specific forum. I think all of these factors, in our case, affect the frequency (or lack of frequency) of activity. If you remember, someone started a post months ago asking this very question about activity and after some spirited back and forth and wonderful discussion, the mods locked it. I thought that to spike a post talking about lack of activity might have the affect of um, well, depressing activity.

 

But what the hell do I know? :) 

 

To answer your last question directly - No, it does not help personally anymore. I've happily moved on into a new life. I think I'm 12 years out or so - I don't even know for sure. I don't dwell on my old chapter much at all. But I believe I can offer a unique perspective, especially to widowers. Men generally experience things differently than women, and being widowed is no different. A man's perspective is not in the forefront here. It shouldn't be really. We have WAY more women posting here than that of men. That was true of the old forum also. But I still like to poke around a bit and offer a view when I think it might help.

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

This board has helped me. My beloved husband died last month & my emotions are still very raw.  I wish there were more posts, but the ones I've received have given me hope that things will get better no matter how god-awful they are now.  I've gotten encouragement from those who were once as shattered as I am now and I hope there will come a time when I feel repaired enough to help others.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post

Euf- Reading your words about YWBB brings back cruddy memories of how the site closed with pretty much no warning. I gave up on trying to save anything because I really didn't visit the site much due to my longevity as a widow but luckily someone I was friends with from the board (but also in real life) let me know. By the time I got to my computer I had only hours and ultimately decided to let it go. Luckily, I had previously saved some stuff on discs but none of my own writing. 

 

I love to write and writing was what saved me early on before I knew about YWBB. What I wrote about being a widow could have filled a book. There was so much wisdom there...and I'm sure here too, so I would send your soon to be widowed friend this way for sure. 

 

I remember you Euf- along with so many others from those old days. Can you believe I lost my first husband over 16 years ago now- and my new husband and I, who met because of YWBB and I have been a couple for 14 years on St. Patrick's Day. We've been married since 2014. One of the first messages I sent him has the words "someday each of us could have another long relationship" as I tried to comfort him (and myself) about the loneliness he was experiencing. I had no idea his relationship would be with me. 

 

I'm writing for an online publication now called Medium and I'm getting ready to write a post here to lead Widda members over to a story there about the signs I get from my late husband. It would be great to think that some widowed folks might read it with the link I will provide. Hope you will give it a glance.

 

Thanks for your post. Any time I come here I find something- sometimes from someone familiar to me from YWBB or from a new widow with some sage wisdom to share. 

 

A community like none other. 

 

Love to all.

Judy

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

I like Widda. The good people who run the site maintain it as a safe place for community members. Quality over quantity. I don't post a lot probably because it's been awhile since the loss. Much appreciation to the kind people who provide this helpful resource for all of us. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

My personal loss is new & my emotions are raw.  But the people on this site have meant the world to me.  The comfort they've provided has been a tremendous help to me, a shattered person.  I sought help on the internet and found it here and I hope, after my own pain has eased, I can be of help to others who have to try & make it through the quagmire of grief.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.