Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

[powbesh]

Today was brutal, but tomorrow will be even worse. It's our anniversary. We were married 35 years ago, February 18th, 1984.  Problem is, one of us is missing.

I've been crying hard almost all day and am in a very dark place.  How can life be so brutal?

[beanless]

Anniversaries are difficult I have found (as are a million other triggers).  We had our first date 2 days before Valentine's day and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Just reminds us of all the little secret stuff that we shared and intimacy (not sex).  I am so sorry for you (and all of us).  Have you looked in to a grief coach? I lost my husband December 10th and I started talking to mine about a month after my DH died.  She lost her husband as well, so I find a lot of solace in talking to her about what is normal (ish) and what is not.  I say a grief coach because for me, the LAST thing I feel like doing is go out on a day I feel horrible and am crying, plus, I wanted someone that has been through this, not just an academic.  She (as well as this board) are good at validating feelings and thoughts.  This is absolutely the worst thing I've ever been though (and I've been through some poop), and it sounds like this is the same for you.  It's SO hard not to feel completely alone.  I promise every week is a little better (not awesome, I had a crying spell for a few hours yesterday)... please hold on.

[powbesh]

Thank you, Beanless, for sharing your own pain with me. For me, too, this is by far the worst blow life has dealt me. I am seeing a therapist, but she is not specifically a grief coach & has not experienced the loss of a spouse. Just making my way to her door was like walking through quagmire, & I spent most of the session keening and wailing, just like I do alone at home.

And those triggers.......most of them come out of nowhere. You know, your own loss was only a month before mine, and so I imagine you are still in a pretty dark place much of the time.But I appreciate your words of hope and your advice about a grief coach. Am taking both to heart.