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Widowed on Dec 29, 2018


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My wife died rather suddenly after a 2 day fight with pneumonia.  She was 39. I just turned 40 in January.  I have 2 wonderful daughters 3 and 6 which I now have to raise without their mother. 

 

I think the initial shock has worn off and now I am crying heavily 3 or more times a day.  I miss her so much.   While before I was running on adrenaline I feel more sad now.

 

I am lucky to have amazing support from my In-laws, my parents and brother and friends so I don't feel like I am doing this alone.

 

Anyone else go through something similar with two young kids?

 

I've read people say that the initial shock lasts 6 months and the real grieving starts then... but I feel as if I have already started the heavy part of it.  Anyone else feel the same after 7 weeks?

 

Thanks

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Oh so sorry.  I am glad you have so much support.  7 yrs later and things I am thankful for now were unrecognizable early out.  Like my son was 8, not a baby I had to manage by myself.  Strange how your view can change.  

 

There are guidelines to grief but nothing is in stone.  I did cry a lot.  Morning, on my way to work, home from work, after my kid was asleep.  Early on.  Still in shock of this is my life?   6 months has new awareness of reality so seems harder?  Just deeper knowledge of it’s  for real?  It’s all hard.  But you get through somehow.  Hang on.  This yr. is tough. 

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1 hour ago, Widower40 said:

Anyone else go through something similar with two young kids?

 

I've read people say that the initial shock lasts 6 months and the real grieving starts then... but I feel as if I have already started the heavy part of it.  Anyone else feel the same after 7 weeks?

 

I had four boys when my wife passed - the youngest were 8 and 9.

 

I suppose I was lucky - I think I was in hard grief for only a week or two or three. My wife's death was a surprise but was not unexpected. The boys and I started to rebuild rather quickly after all the hoopla of the funeral and all that. It was hard at first but you do what you have to. What was my choice? To crab and kvetch about my lot in life? Nah, not for me. 

 

I'm 12 years out or so - the kids have all grown into well-adjusted, decent, productive young men. Of all the things I worried about at first, how this event would affect the kids worried me the most. But I needn't have.  

 

We all have very blessed lives. :)

 

Best wishes - Mike

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21 minutes ago, Portside said:

 

What was my choice? To crab and kvetch about my lot in life? Nah, not for me. 

 

I'm 12 years out or so - the kids have all grown into well-adjusted, decent, productive young men. Of all the things I worried about at first, how this event would affect the kids worried me the most. But I needn't have.  

 

Yes, I agree... I want to be happy again and most importantly my kids to be happy and grown into strong women.  That is a concern...but also having time to grieve properly so I can grow from this and live my life to the fullest.

 

My wife rarely talked about death, but I know she would want me to be happy

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It’s good to have a support system. But I do agree that everyone’s time tables and journey is different. My girls were older than yours when my LH died of a sudden heart attack. We were both 40 years old. My girls were older 12 and 16. I went back to work 3 weeks later after the funeral.  The first few months was just survival mode and trying to motivate myself to do normal things. I was lucky to have a wonderful community who dropped us dinners every weekday from April to June. That helped me as I was numb and I wasn’t ever really hungry so it helped that the meal was right there. I would say the heaviest for me was 6 months-1 year. It just hit me so hard. I had to mourn our dreams and goals and mourn all the things he’d miss with the girls.  I journaled to him and it made a huge difference helping me simply accept it. As I often tell my kids, we don’t have to get over it but we need to accept it so we can move forward. Little by little, things do get better. You find little joys life and that is huge. The first time I could watch a movie and laugh? It’s progress. You learn to live again and you need to find things that help fill your time so you can keep busy. It’s a powerful tool against idle time and hijacking sadness. Be gentle to yourself, cut yourself some slack, try group grief therapy as it’s good to help teach the younger kids how to cope and incorporate little strategies so they can keep a piece of their mom with them. Talk and vent as you need to. Read older posts as they can be super helpful. We’re all here to listen though it’s quiet. Hugs and sorry for your loss. We know how it feels. 

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Widower40,

 

I am so sorry for you loss.  I am in exactly the same situation (you can see my post a bit earlier than yours).  I am 43 with a 6 year old and 3 year old.  My husband died at the end of October.   I don't think I have processed this fully yet (I haven't moved any of his stuff, feeling it is an acknowledgement that he is not coming back, which is so tough), but I definitely already have days that the pain is unbearable and its hard to breathe or function.   On most days, however, I feel I am behind a defense "wall" and that is the only way I can function and try to be present for my children.  Grieving is tricky with the demands and needs of kids that age... but it happens in bits a pieces at different times..

 

 My son is in therapy and I have looked into groups for him, which will come when his therapist thinks its appropriate.    

 

Take it one day at a time.  Don't think about long term plans or even months ahead.  That can be too overwhelming and unmanageable.  

 

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I’m so sorry you newer widowed folks had to join our club. I’m not a parent and haven’t had to figure out how to grieve and hold life together for young children. I just want to say that each of us has different circumstances that we face, and while it is helpful to see how others cope, we cannot be hard on ourselves if we don’t seem to be able to manage as well as someone else. I lost my first husband after a long decline. His death was somewhat sudden, but not unexpected. My second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. My reaction to each loss was very different. 

 

Be be gentle with yourself. Let your own coping strategy be okay for you. Use whatever resources you find helpful. Reach out and make acquaintance with others wearing similar shoes. 

 

Hugs to all,

 

Maureen

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3 hours ago, Sadness said:

 

 My son is in therapy and I have looked into groups for him, which will come when his therapist thinks its appropriate. 

I am planning on an in school therapist to come to my elder daughter's school.  How is the 3 year old coping?  Mine I think is only starting to realize that mommy isn't coming back.

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My 3-year old daughter knows that daddy "died" and that he is not coming back.  She talks about missing him and wanting to see him, but understands that this is not going to happen.  It is so heartbreaking.    There are kids books about death and grief for both ages, that can be helpful in explaining and helping them process what this means. 

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So sorry for your loss Widower40.  I was 42, my daughter was 12 when my wife died at the age of 39, unexpectedly, although she had been sick many years.  I cried a lot for the first 3 months.  My first day of not crying came at about 3 months.  At 6 months, i could string together a couple days of not crying.  Please use all the supports that are offered to you, you will need them.  I am not overly religious, so I used meditation on a daily basis to try to slow my brain down, as it felt completely fried.  It took me almost 2 years to really feel like myself again, took me a long time to find who I was as a single person, no longer a half of a whole.  This board has some really wise people who have been through some similar things, I found some good advice here, it also helps you to realize that although you feel like you are losing your mind at times, this is pretty normal for the trauma we have all been through.  I hope this forum provides another avenue of support for you.

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So sorry you had to join us Widower40. That said, you will be glad you did. I am 7-1/2 years out. My kids were 2 and 5 at the time. I remember 9 months and 18 months being very tough. I had a long grief period as I had to face some significant and complicated financial issues. My 5 year old had autism and was nonverbal. It was a very difficult journey. 

 

Fast forward to today, my autistic son has made tremendous strides. He is 12 now. I am in awe of him. My 9 year old daughter is simply amazing. I really couldn't be prouder of the fine young children they have become. They are both caring, kind and generous. Each one is so much like my late husband and it is comforting. I can see each of them having a bright future that has been shaped by our loss and will be combined with their individual talents. 

 

We are currently grieving a significant loss of a very special woman who helped my son. It is bringing up the loss of my husband again. With this current loss, my children are able to understand more about death. Each grieve so differently; my son asking questions and wished to attend the wake while my daughter refuses to talk about it. I know we will work our way through the loss of this special lady together. I am following the children's lead. I answer their questions. I describe what the services are and what they look like. I give my daughter the space she needs. While other people told me I should worry about her not speaking about her grief, something tells me she is ok and she will be ready one day. For now, I will reassure her and tell her it is ok not to talk. To be honest, I couldn't bear to tell my kids for two days. 

 

Here are a couple of things that helped us along the way:

Sesame Place has an amazing resource to help children cope https://sesamestreetincommunities.org/topics/grief/

The Dougy center is another great resource https://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-child/

 

I send my best to you. Keep the faith that it will be better one day. 

Eileen

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W40 - it's awfully early in the process for you but the answer to all of your questions is "yes, it can be done".  Getting the kids back to happy you can do by, over time, simply being a good father. Listen to the kids and help them as best you can when they need it. Of course, it is heartbreaking to see the kids all tore up. But it will pass given time and careful nurturing by you.

 

Building a happy, productive life after an earth shattering event such as this is doable even if right now, it seems out of reach and impossible. The biggest thing you can do for any recovery, but particularly the death of a spouse, is to approach each day with as positive outlook as you can muster. Even if the day is one of those "well, today sucks" days, if you can try to keep in mind tomorrow will be better, you are half way there.

 

Eventually, a happy outlook can possibly lead to another happy marriage. Single women love emotionally available, decent, kind, generous, honest, happy men who are ready to form a loving, kind romantic relationship. 

 

It's probably too soon to delve too deeply into that right now though. But it is more than possible.

 

Don't lose hope my friend. :)

 

Mike

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I’m 3 years out and my outlook is totally much better now. I try to maintain a more optimistic approach to everything, be positive, and look for the silver linings. Yes my kids are thriving. I can watch a movie and laugh. I can listen to music and sing along rather than cry. I can look at his picture and my heart isn’t throbbing in pain. Can I plan my future? Not so much yet. I need to work on that and I get that and I don’t punish myself for not knowing. Just be there for your kids and be honest with them. You can find your happiness with any combo of hobbies, friends, volunteering, personal projects, your kids, extended family, etc. You can date when you are ready. Just be mindful of your timetable and work in your own pace and what works for you. One thing at a time and don’t let these things make you feel too overwhelmed. 

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  • 2 months later...

Yesterday was 4 months.  I didn't feel as sad as I thought I would.  I actually felt good for most of the day and cried a couple of times after I cleaned up my table and saw the receipt for the medication we bought just before she died.  

 

Definitely more optimistic than I was two months ago

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  • 3 weeks later...

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