Jump to content

I'm an orphan


Virgo
 Share

Recommended Posts

My dad passed away yesterday in his home. March 13th would have been his 69th birthday. It was somewhat unexpected. He had multiple mini strokes about three years ago, so we always knew it was possible for him to have a major stroke. It just kills me to think about the last time I saw him in person, our last words, if I would have seen him Monday would it have made a difference? Why do we do that to ourselves? 

 

The 5th anniversary of my husband's death was the 4th. My mom died three months prior. When I told my daughters their grandpa had died their reactions at first were almost frightening. Very calm, no expressions, almost like they are used to it. Heartbreaking. My 19yo did say that her grandpa is finally happy now that he's been reunited with her grandma. 

 

When my mom died my dad took care of the arrangements. I helped him go through her possessions and clean the house. When my husband died I took care of his arrangements and went through his possessions and redecorated our house. Now that my dad has died I'm making some of the arrangements and will have to clear out my childhood home. Then put it up for sale. I also have to take care of his finances and estate. It's very overwhelming, and different from what I had to take care of before. Hopefully my brother will help me.

 

Any tips or suggestions for those of you that have been through this? Thanks in advance!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’ve already lost both my parents. My older sister took care of the estate when our mom died and we let her take charge. We helped where we could and where she asked us to. It helps if your dad left his important papers together so you can methodically go through accounts and such. For the house, If there is more than you can take on, consider an estate sale company to help you to sell the items within the house. Donate the rest afterwards. It’s a different sadness for sure when it’s your own parents. I hated seeing my own mom deteriorate. Sorry for your loss! 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Virgo said:

Any tips or suggestions for those of you that have been through this? Thanks in advance!

 

Ugh. :(  My condolences.

 

My Dad passed shortly after my wife and I helped my mom finalize things. We would have those talks about each of us being widowed - it was comforting in a way.

 

Mom died about 3 years ago - I had to settle up her things then - one of my sisters was a huge help. My fil passed in August, my wife and I took care of his things too.

 

As far as the household goods and things - take a deep breath and dive in.  Try to not obsess over every item, they are just things. Give away all you can to family, friends and then perfect strangers - trash the rest. For the financials and whatnot, try to act decisively in accordance with your Dad's wishes. It's a process to be endured just try to make a little progress every day. It will eventually get done.

 

Good luck and sorry about your Dad.

 

Mike

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry for your loss. Your dad was so young, too.   I understand. I am an "orphan" .  It is strange to have friends devastated as they say good bye to grandparents, and I have lost both parents and my husband.  But, they will experience it, also, some day.

 

 If your brother can/will help, let him. It is a lot to undertake. My mother had pared down her home to a duplex, then I moved her to a one room dementia facility.  I still had so much to go through in her duplex. I found some men I trusted that literally came and took anything and everything.  My brothers and I took what we wanted first, and then all was donated to these men.  It was blessing to have them come in and clear it out.  I tried to sell some furniture, but it didn't go.  In her one room, we brought some furniture and pictures, too.  I had one brother here when she died. He helped bring the things to my house and I let staff there take the furniture.  I had moved in July prior to her death in Nov. and did not want more stuff as I had cleared out my home of 16 yrs.  It is a lot to undertake, and I tell families to make plans. My mother used a document from the funeral home and wrote all out, including policies and numbers. After she cared for my dad and his hospice death, she knew what she did not want to put me through, and then I became widowed with a child.  

 

Hope for help but don't expect it.  My 3 brothers sometimes were more trouble than helpful.  I had to "spoon feed" things as they had not been present for all those years to know how to care.  I did not take the martyr role, but truly, they just didn't know what to do. 

 

I had a friend hire an attorney to manage the estate for her father. She stated it was worth it not have to deal with it all. 

 

It becomes "stuff" and after dealing with early death, it is not meaningful now, so I was able to let go of lots of things. If you feel the need to keep lots, it will likely stress you out more, FYI. Especially with starting over in a new home and new life.  Good luck.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote

As far as the household goods and things - take a deep breath and dive in.  Try to not obsess over every item, they are just things. Give away all you can to family, friends and then perfect strangers - trash the rest. For the financials and whatnot, try to act decisively in accordance with your Dad's wishes. It's a process to be endured just try to make a little progress every day. It will eventually get done.

My dad died 3 years ago.  What Portside said is probably the best advice I could give too. Don't get bogged down.  It is stuff. Take help where it is offered.

 

 

 

 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I lost my mother ten years ago, my father five years ago and my husband 2 months ago.  I have a brother also who lived out of town at the time my father died.  He would have been overjoyed if I would have taken on all the chores.  I did not.  I gave him the choice of two weekends and told him he needed to help that weekend.  I also had a dumpster delivered.  We went through the home and decided what to keep/throw away.  It was then over.  Put the home on the market and had a lawyer to help w/ probate (my father did not have a will/not were either of us POA).  I also assigned him (my brother) tasks.  It wasn't exactly 50/50, but it was better than if I would have just hoped he would have volunteered to help. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, beanless said:

I lost my mother ten years ago, my father five years ago and my husband 2 months ago.  I have a brother also who lived out of town at the time my father died.  He would have been overjoyed if I would have taken on all the chores.  I did not.  I gave him the choice of two weekends and told him he needed to help that weekend.  I also had a dumpster delivered.  We went through the home and decided what to keep/throw away.  It was then over.  Put the home on the market and had a lawyer to help w/ probate (my father did not have a will/not were either of us POA).  I also assigned him (my brother) tasks.  It wasn't exactly 50/50, but it was better than if I would have just hoped he would have volunteered to help. 

My dad did have a will. I'm the executor. My brother and I also had guardianship of my dad. We were told both that and POA are null and void upon death. This is all new to me. I really appreciate all of the input. My brother will be helping me as soon as he gets home from his cruise. I just want to get things done and not prolong it. I'm going to contact an attorney tomorrow. 

 

Thank you everyone for the condolences and advice!

Edited by Virgo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Virgo, 

Each state is different with some laws but I didn't have much problem. My mother passed in Nov. 2017.  I was the POA and then executrix.  Her will was clear, and I had taken care of finances for years. My 3 brothers and I had had nothing to contest. I had to go to probate court with an estimated itemization of her estate.  Then since we were all agreeable, I had forms to send to all of us to sign to disperse of the estate  as it  was uncontested by us and then I wrote out the checks from an estate bank account. I had to close hers and open an estate one and move all into it.  I could not write the checks until debts were paid, 6 months wait for that for any debtors to bill against the estate.   After 6 months, no one can bill against the estate. Pay it all out, turn in signed documents and the judge signed it was closed. I happened to get a check 2 weeks after I closed the account and the judge signed the final estate probate,  a federal farm subsidization check.  I had to go back  to probate court and reopen it, cash the check and then have siblings sign the same paperwork again. Why it can take over a year easily. OH, and the state I reside in allows the executor of the estate to have up to 5% of the estate's worth as payment for handling it.  I took 3%.  I still struggle with that. I didn't care for my mother for 10 years due to money, but in the end, I did want something back and none of the brothers objected.  

 

Property is different and state laws matter. Our family farm is out of state where I reside. We own it, deeded upon death. But interestingly, all spouses had to sign off on it as it is a law there if married, DESPITE the farm land was deeded to the four of us, not our spouses. Not a problem for me and my widowed brother. Not a problem for my married brothers, but thankfully they  are happily married. Imagine if not!   That is why marriage is an interesting thing in this country of what it legally means versus faith marriage. Another thread...

 

When my husband died, we had been married 21 yrs. No issues. It was all mine, all transferred due to the will and he signed me as the beneficiary on all life insurances.  House, cars, etc.  both our names.  If not, would  have had an estate for him and had to deal with that in probate court.  

 

I tell folks.  PLAN. GET  it in writing what you want.  And things will still come up....

Hope I didn't confuse you worse.  An attorney is a good bet. I have attorney friends who helped me.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tybec, after making phone calls today I can definitely see it's going to be a longer process than I thought it would be. Thank you for sharing.  I made an appointment with an attorney who was recommended to me. Her earliest availability was March 21st. Until then I'll work on clearing out his house. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m so sorry for your loss. It seems so cruel to have to go through so much red tape and legal crap while grieving. A good lawyer should ease some of the burden but going through the personal possessions is always difficult. My heart goes out to you. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So sorry for your loss. I also lost both my parents, my dad 28 years ago and my mom 5 years ago. Now I lost my husband last week. People have said to me “why do you have such a hard life?” which is the opposite of comforting. 

While settling everything is a painful process, it’s also distracting and maybe that’s good. I’m finding that dealing with the estate issues for my husband is easier than facing the actual loss. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to our club, Sheryl. I’m sorry you had to pay the price of admission. 

 

Sometimes, the very early days are the easiest for addressing logistics after we lose a spouse. Take advantage of the energy when you have it. 

 

We we will be here if you get to a slow down or standstill. 

 

Maureen

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.