Frozen in Time

[Christina]

I’m 33 years old and I lost my husband a little over a year ago to alcoholism. We dated in high school, lost touch then found each other again for just a few short years before he passed. I’m left with living with my parents after dealing with my own issues and raising my 11 year old daughter who thought her step dad was the world. I still feel numb, almost as if it just happened but I push those feelings down because I can’t let myself go down that road. I used to work in the ER so compartmentalizing was a requirement when it came to death and dying and I just can’t seem to bring myself to let myself grieve now. I attempted to go back to work twice right after my husband passed suddenly and I just wasn’t ready. Now, I’ve been at my old job since October and I finally feel like I am putting the right foot forward. Yet I don’t allow myself to cry when I’m alone yet I feel so isolated and self destructive. I haven’t had the right moment when I’ve felt comfortable to grieve the life that I lost, my best friend, my everything since he died. I’ve put on a half smile to raise my daughter and keep her on track while trying to hold my head out of the water. I am so lost and so alone that even though I live back with my parents I’m not sure how to begin again without him. I fight crying and wanting to drink every time I’m alone. I know I need to mourn and try to move on with the best memories I can but I am so freaking alone in my feelings I’m just as lost. I do see a therapist who is great though. Thanks for listening. 

[PaulZ]

Hang in there Christina.  A good cry can feel very liberating at times, certainly nothing to be ashamed of, nor should you feel you have to hold back.  I cried daily for 3 months after my wife passed and still quite often for another 3 months after that.  It's been 2.5 years for me and it still hits me occasionally.  It hurts because we loved them so much, which is a great thing, not a bad thing.  Try to talk of him often and live the best life you can, knowing he would want you to be happy, even if it takes a long time before you can feel happy on a regular basis.

[Julester3]

I’m so sorry Christina. It sounds like you have a coping skill that helps you get through the day but I agree I think you need to just get it out and have that good cry. It hurts like hell but the pressure and relief is so much better than bottling it in. Therapy for an outlet would be a good idea. Also don’t try to rush it. You are aware of what you feel needs to be done but actual processing in your head and heart of the grief and loss takes time that varies for everyone. Hang in there! Hugs today.