How to handle triggers?

[Widower40]

I find that some parts of the day I can't control how I cry.   Other times I feel happy and optimistic for life.  By nature I have always been a realistic optimist.  At work I develop 3-5 year strategic plans, so looking forward is always something I will do.

 

I sometimes force triggers... watching a video of her or looking at pictures of her or listen to certain songs.  Those invariably make cry right now.   Should I continue to force triggers or should I let grief come to me?  

[Wheelerswife]

I don't know if there is a right and wrong answer here.  Your wife was a vibrant part of your life and I think that you might naturally want to reach to those things that trigger memories.  It seems like you have a balanced approach to your life at this point...and it really hasn't been that long for you.  I think it would be a bigger problem if you tried to suppress your memories and if you don't find ways (like crying) to express your grief.

 

It won't always be as emotional as it is right now.  The intensity fades over time.  I hope you can keep your optimism.  I know that I hate being miserable, and I have to keep hope that life will be better in the future.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[PaulZ]

It's good to let out these emotions in my opinion.  I certainly did, especially in the first 6 months.  It can feel really good to have a cry sometimes.  I'm 2.5 years out now.  I only get really sad now when I think of my wife's funeral or the day she died.  Of course we all wish this never happened to us, but we can't change it.  I can smile and laugh now when I think of her, instead of being sad.  I think all of us like to look at pictures and videos and cherish our memories, hopefully as time passes, this will bring smiles and laughs, but it takes time to get to that point.  Take care, Paul

[Love2fish]

Count me in the “triggers can be our friends school of thought”

Most of them sneak up on me like thieves. I get a small sense of control when I’m the one choosing the time and place. 

 

I am also a firm believer that I have a kind of debt to pay for the blessings I have enjoyed. The currency of that debt is heartbreak and tears. If I make my daily payment early in the morning I can go most of the day before another is due. 

[laurie27]

Hi everyone, I lost my husband of 33 years just three weeks ago. This site has helped me realize there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I stayed in bed until 5:00 this morning, I have been getting up at 3:00, so this is progress. I also have a hard time going out at night, as the idea of coming home to an empty house is very difficult for me.

[Love2fish]

15 hours ago, laurie27 said:

Hi everyone, I lost my husband of 33 years just three weeks ago. This site has helped me realize there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I stayed in bed until 5:00 this morning, I have been getting up at 3:00, so this is progress. I also have a hard time going out at night, as the idea of coming home to an empty house is very difficult for me.

I am sorry you lost your husband.  I’m happy that you found WIDDA and that it is already helping you.  I see that this was your first post. Keep them coming. It is good that you have progress with sleeping. Now let’s work on making it ok to go out more.  

[laurie27]

I am finding it getting harder not easier. I find that I am crying a lot easier and more often. I am still trying to get out everyday. I am in the process of finding a church that I am comfortable with, it also helps. I think what is happening is the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in. Thank you for answering me. I come here almost every day, but as you can see I don't usually comment.

[Widower40]

On 3/28/2019 at 4:26 PM, laurie27 said:

I am finding it getting harder not easier. I find that I am crying a lot easier and more often. I am still trying to get out everyday. I am in the process of finding a church that I am comfortable with, it also helps. I think what is happening is the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in. Thank you for answering me. I come here almost every day, but as you can see I don't usually comment.

Yes, after the 1 month mark it got worse for me.  The worst was 2 months out.  I feel better now and more optimistic.  I cry about 3 times a day, at the worst it would be 15 or more...many times at work.  Keep a positive outlook, it gets better.

[laurie27]

Thank you for your answer, I know it will get easier, but right now it's just breaking my heart! Thank goodness for the dog and cat, I have to deal with them no matter how I feel, and I am not sleeping alone. 

[laurie27]

Hi Widda Gang, Yes, it does get easier, however, there are still triggers that cause me to spend the day crying, which, according to everything I read and the other widows who are helping me through this tough journey tell me, is totally normal. I am learning to live again, but it is not easy. 

[Love2fish]

On 4/6/2019 at 9:12 AM, laurie27 said:

 .....spend the day crying, ...........totally normal. I am learning to live again, but it is not easy. 

That is great to hear.   Totally normal and healthy. 

 

I like the part you added to the end.  We do have to learn to live again.  If you are aware enough to know that you are capable of making it so.

 

Have you been getting out?

Edited April 7, 2019 by Love2fish

[laurie27]

Hi Love2fish, Yes, I try to get out of the house at least once every day, even if I just go to the store and pick up some cat food. Just so you know, I love Garth Brooks and he has a song called "Learning to Live Again", and that is where the quote comes from. I was listening to it the other day and it just reminded me that is exactly how I feel about where I am at. I'm trying, some days are not as bad as others, I'm sure you know what I mean. 

[Cassie]

I'm 34 and my husband passed away very unexpectedly on March 6th. I've since started counseling. It helps, but not enough. My therapist recommends "scheduled cries" because I'm trying to hold it all in. I do find relief after a "scheduled cry." 

[Melissa brown]

I have to agree with the fact that it's getting more and more difficult. It's been two months for me and I still cry multiple times a day. Right now, I find it hard to believe that it gets better. 

[Love2fish]

9 hours ago, Melissa brown said:

I have to agree with the fact that it's getting more and more difficult. It's been two months for me and I still cry multiple times a day. Right now, I find it hard to believe that it gets better. 

Two months is still very early Melissa.  I'm sure you've heard the old saying that "God will never give you more than you can handle"  You don't need to believe in God to see this manifest itself in your life.  You are stronger than you were 2 months ago.  Whatever it is inside of you, it may be God or it may be your subconscious self defense mechanism, it knows you are ready for the next level.  Two months ago you could barely lift yourself out of bed.  Now you can do it with a greater weight.   Eventually you will hardly notice that weight because fo your increased strength.

[Bubu27]

Unfortunately I disagree that it gets better. The nightmare simply changes forms. At least for me.

 

I'm almost 3.5 years and from that perspective - 1 year was a complete and utter nightmare (I don't remember first months at all, couldn't eat/ breath, was numb most of it from heavy medications, cried all the time, wanted to die and was quite vocal about it); 2nd year a different nightmare (still on antidepressants, still cried but emotions suppressed by the medication so grief seemed less intense; wrote my will and put up our memorial with both Ken and my name on it); 3rd year - I can function pretty much normal (in terms of looking after yourself/ planning meals/ keeping our flat clean etc and not socialising as I do not at all) but it is the sheer sadness that runs through my veins. I haven't truly smiled since Ken died and nothing can change it. Have moments  of "normality" (when I am with my nephew once every few months) but this overwhelming sadness never leaves me. It is in the 3rd year that I have probably started realizing Ken is gone for good. And even now, like yesterday, I opened the door and for whatever reason expected to see my husband there. This year anxiety attacks started and frankly, I feel much worse then Year 2. I cry less but anything random can trigger it and when I cry, it is like I was crying my heart out. It feels like the cry from Year 1. And I started thinking about dying more often again. 

 

I know that some people get better overtime but I didn't and don't think it will ever change. The grief simply evolved and I have been learning to "live" without physical presence of Ken but nevertheless I am still the same quadruple amputee (emotionally/ mentally and spiritually) an only having Ken back could fix it.

[Julester3]

Bubu27 I sort of think you put yourself in an unresolvable loop. You say the only way to feel better is to have your husband back but that is impossible. He isn’t coming back. I’m over 3 years into this and I understand and accept my LH is never coming back. It will never be fair and it will always suck. My girls will have to live without their dad. I spent more than half my life with that man growing up with him and spending most of my adult life attached to him. I didn’t know how I was going to survive but I truly know he would never ask me to kill myself to be with him and he would want me to live my best life here on earth that I can manage. I do the best I am capable of and I choose to do just that. I’m sorry your journey is harsh but by setting yourself to always be unresolved with no possible solution is setting yourself up for failure. 

[Bubu27]

I can only admire people, like you, who are strong enough to carry on. I too carry on as I have no choice but it doesn't change the fact that the more time passes, the less energy and will to carry on I have. 

 

I am really happy for you to be able to understand and accept your late husband is not coming back but I don't understand and certainly don't accept the fact that my Ken is gone. I know that's the reality but I will never be OK with it. And this is my right not to accept it. Whether it is setting myself up for failure or not, it doesn't matter. My life finished 3.5 years ago.

[Widower40]

On 6/6/2019 at 11:43 AM, Bubu27 said:

I can only admire people, like you, who are strong enough to carry on. I too carry on as I have no choice but it doesn't change the fact that the more time passes, the less energy and will to carry on I have. 

 

I am really happy for you to be able to understand and accept your late husband is not coming back but I don't understand and certainly don't accept the fact that my Ken is gone. I know that's the reality but I will never be OK with it. And this is my right not to accept it. Whether it is setting myself up for failure or not, it doesn't matter. My life finished 3.5 years ago.

One question to ask yourself is what would have happened if you died instead?  How would Ken feel?  What would his life be?

[Bubu27]

@Widower40 I don't know what would be. All I know is that I would have preferred to go first. 

[Widower40]

4 hours ago, Bubu27 said:

@Widower40 I don't know what would be. All I know is that I would have preferred to go first. 

In my case, I know my wife would have handled things a lot worse.  She would be inconsolable.  In that way, my suffering prevented her from suffering.  In that way, I have accepted her loss.

 

Perhaps you too may one day feel that by going through the pain is the way you will honor him.

[Bubu27]

Thank you @Widower40. I know that had Ken survived, he would have had his feet/ legs amputated, he could be brain damaged and his life would have been hell. That's what sepsis would do to him and that's what I try to think about when my grief gets unbearable. In this respect, I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer but it doesn't change the fact that my life without him is hell.

Thank you for what you said though, it made me stop and think 

[Widower40]

20 hours ago, Bubu27 said:

Thank you @Widower40. I know that had Ken survived, he would have had his feet/ legs amputated, he could be brain damaged and his life would have been hell. That's what sepsis would do to him and that's what I try to think about when my grief gets unbearable. In this respect, I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer but it doesn't change the fact that my life without him is hell.

Thank you for what you said though, it made me stop and think 

I got that perspective from the book "Man's Search for Meaning." By Viktor Frankl.  There are examples of how even through the worst circumstances, people find meaning in life.  If you have the time I recommend you read it.

[Leadfeather]

2 hours ago, Widower40 said:

I got that perspective from the book "Man's Search for Meaning." By Viktor Frankl.  There are examples of how even through the worst circumstances, people find meaning in life.  If you have the time I recommend you read it.

That looks like a really interesting book. Ordered it. Thank you for the recommendation!