Jump to content

Young Widow Forum

Register to view blogs.

Recommended Posts

I haven’t been on this site in such a long time.  But here I am once again looking for answers.  Or, I should say, I guess I’m looking for guidance.  


Almost Four weeks ago my grandson’s mother committed suicide.  She left behind my 3 1/2 year old little grandson.  And it is ripping my heart out. 


My heart and my gut always kinda knew that she was struggling with some kind of mental illness. Even though her family always blamed her depression on my son.  At the time of her death  My son wasn’t together with her any more.  They haven’t been together in 3 years.  


My son and my grandson are living with me now.  I’m so thankful that I can be there for them in this way.  But at the same time, I’m really struggling with so much anger towards her.  My heart also hurts for her. And it hurts that she was in such a deep dark place. But the anger far outweighs the hurt for her.  How could she do this to him? Now he’s left behind without a mommy.  And I don’t understand it!


As far as I know she Never once reached out and asked for help.  And I’m angry about that.  Why didn’t she call the crisis hotline?  Or Why didn’t she just run out in the middle of the street and scream for help?   Instead, she just wrote a sticky note saying “I’m sorry”. And one that said “I love you G”.  And sticky notes expressing “his likes and dislikes”.  Wasn’t he worth more than a sticky note?   


I know I don’t understand mental illness.  But here I am left with no choice but to try to figure it out.  Figure out how to be here for my grandson.   And also to try to Figure out how to be here for my son.  Who was still in love with her.  


Its getting harder and harder hearing my little grandson say “My mommy is dead”.  And he repeats it over and over throughout the day.  Now he relates anything and everything that isn’t working with it being dead.  If his toy needs new batteries, he says his toy is dead.  Apparently her family explained his mommy’s death to him this way.  That’s not the way that I would have explained it to him.  I’m angry about that too.  But Who am I to say what is the right way or wrong way to explain it to him.  I just know I wouldn’t have.  


If I’m this confused and full of emotions, I can’t even begin to imagine what my little grandson is going through.  I know I’m really angry that she has filled his little heart with these emotions now.  


Thank you for listening to an old timer.  I lost my husband suddenly almost 7 years ago.  I depended on the old forum to help me get through my worst days.  Now here I am looking for help in another kind of way.  


I always said it’s the ones who are left behind that have to learn how to move forward.  











Share this post

Link to post
4 hours ago, UnforgettableU said:

 How could she do this to him? Now he’s left behind without a mommy.  And I don’t understand it!



I know I don’t understand mental illness.  But here I am left with no choice but to try to figure it out. 

Without a doubt, this all is huge mess - perhaps I may be able to shed a small measure of understanding as I have lived through it myself.


My wife shot herself while me and my boys, age 8 and 9, were out of town for the weekend. Everyone knew she was mentally unstable, she did too, but nothing was able to help her even though we all did all we could to nurse her back to a healthy mindset. She set up the situation in such a fashion as to guarantee my youngest would find her body. He did. What healthy person does that? 


As hurt and shocked as I was, I, like you, was most concerned by how the boys would handle all of this and how would their lives unfold without their mother. It consumed my thoughts for months. I won't go through the litany of trials and ups and downs but I will cut to the chase: with your son's (and your's!)  tender care, your grandson will be okay. Oh yes, it will take time. But with piles of love and patience from both of you, he will turn out to be a fine young man that suffered an unspeakably tragic event. 


As to understanding how she could do this - the sad fact of the matter is there is no understanding. All of my late wife's doctors and even the coroner stated repeatedly - a suicidal person will always find a way, if they are committed, and normally balanced folks will never understand the mindstorms of the truly afflicted. We just can't.


I pray in time you will find peace with this.


PM me if you like.


Best wishes - Mike

Share this post

Link to post

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but grateful you can be there for your son and grandchild. As someone who has been through a huge loss you know how people can scatter so you just being there is so important. 


I’ve had depression off and on for most of my life. I’ve never been formally treated. Why? Crappy healthcare, fear of stigma/pre-existing condition on my records, unwillingness to be chemically altered, cost of therapy. I think it’s an illness many try to self-medicate in both positive and negative ways. I’ve had periods of suicidal ideation. I can tell you in those moments I was in a great deal of pain and felt that removing myself from this world would be doing those close to me a favor- it can be a pain in the ass dealing with the mentally ill- in addition to ending my own suffering. It seemed... a logical conclusion. But here’s the thing- I have never reached the level of sickness to actually complete suicide, so I can only imagine that kind of pain. I know mental illness is harder to understand than physical illness, but the sad truth is that both can be terminal. 


I am wondering if people with very young children in the parenting section could be helpful to you? I do remember when my goddaughter was that age she was very fixated on death when we played with her toys, even with having two parents in the home. 

Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.