Wish I could die today

[Bubu27]

Yesterday I passed 3 yrs and 2 months mark. Does it get easier? No, you just learn to live with it.  Does time heal the wounds? Hell no! Have I moved on? No clue how one could move on from such loss so no, I have not and not planning to. 

 

It has been over three years yet seems like yesterday. I work full time and can function now but spend evenings at home, weekends on my own, became and expert on near-death experiences/ afterlife and anything death-related and I am happy that way (Happy is not the word. Last time I felt hat happiness was when I had Ken). I visit Ken's grave both every Sat and Sun and every 19th of the month - it is my favourite place in London, apart from our flat when I feel safe. I have a circle of close friends but don't feel the need to be with them. I am lucky they understand. 

 

If I could die today, I would. I would welcome it with open arms because I know my husband is waiting for me on the other side and I can't wait to see him.

 

 

[Eddienhp]

Sending you hugs Bubu27. I have been there. My children are what keep me going. It's 7-1/2 years for me. I finally feel like I am free of the pain and sadness. Not a day goes by without thinking of my husband. I have not moved on. I have learned to live without. I must be here to make sure these kids grow into independent adults who are self sufficient. I haven't dated. I don't know if I ever will. It seems like that part of my life is gone. I can understand and relate to what you say. So sorry for your loss. 

 

Eileen

[MR]

Hugs

[Bubu27]

At least you have your kids Eileen (not that it is any easier to loose your husband if you are lucky to have children). Ken and I for married 22nd May 2015 and he passed away 7 months and 27 days later. We already planned a church ceremony in April 2016 and were to start trying for a baby. None of this happened and ever will. As for moving on as in dating - not in a million years. Ken has been and always will be my husband. 

 

It breaks my heart to know that I will never get to be a mum. But not a mum to a child but a mum to our child. It is Ken that I want to be with, Ken that I want to be a father to our children. 

 

For the first three months I did not eat (my mum was force-feeding me sugar water) nor speak. Instead, I chain smoked. I was on a heavy dose of diazepam for 6 months and then on antidepressants for 2 years. Now I am not on anything (still smoke though - might eventually give me cancer?:) ) but I cannot say I have moved on. I have learnt to live with this black gasping hole in my heart but I refuse to move on (whatever it means). 

 

So maybe, in perceptive, it is best for everyone involved that we don't have children - imagine having a mum who wishes she was dead.

[Wheelerswife]

Sending more hugs to you. It has been over 5 years since I lost my second husband. We had an intense and amazing run that lasted less than 4 years when he died unexpectedly in his sleep. We had never been happier. His death (and subsequent health issues for me) knocked me off my feet. It hasn’t been easy. 

 

But - I persist. I truly hate being miserable. I know it is possible to find a way to be happy again after losing a spouse, because I found happiness after losing my first husband. This time, that search for happiness is different. So far, it has not included meeting someone new. But it does involve changing careers, slowly getting my feet under me again, and keeping contact with great friends who have seen me through my own version of hell. I have to believe that I can have happiness again (in whatever form it takes) because the thought of living the rest of my life miserable or just “meh” isn’t good enough. 

 

I still I’ll miss my guys terribly. I think about what I have lost every single day. Moving forward doesn’t diminish the past or my memories or the pain. But it allows for something new that can bring purpose and richness to my life. I’m going to get to a place where I can honestly say I am happy again, because for me, staying in this place of pain isn’t a good choice for living out the rest of my life. 

 

I feel your your pain and I hope that it will start to abate for you. 

 

Maureen

 

 

[Bubu27]

Hi Maureen,

 

I admire people who are able to search for happiness after such losses. I am neither able nor want to do that.

 

I started new job a month before Ken passed away and still have been in it and planning to retire here (20 yrs to go but time is flying since Ken is gone). This is the job he knew about and I don't want to do anything that he did not know of. Only last December I got our flat re-painted but this is something I had discussed with Ken before so it was something Ken knew and would not be surprised about. Only last year I was also able to give away some old clothes and other bits and pieces but yet again - I had been asking Ken to do it when he was alive so again, I did what we had already discussed. Saying that, all his shoes and clothes/ socks/ shower gels/ toothbrushes etc remain as they were on the day when he was taken by Ambulance to hospital and they will remain untouched until the day I die.

 

I generally don't do or change anything unless Ken knew about it. I mentally could not do it. That is probably why I don't like meeting new people and only surround myself with old friends who know Ken. I couldn't meet/ make friends with somebody who doesn't know Ken - I don't want people to know me without Ken because this is not me. At the same time I don't have energy to explain who Ken is and what happened every single time.

 

It has been three years and I have gone the longest way. I look after our flat now, started to cook a year ago, joke with colleagues at work, plan holidays for my parents, sister and my nephew who I love more then life (he is my godson, the only son I will ever have) but I still cannot say this is life. It is walking and breathing with some breaks from misery and a few distractions, but I have not been able to take a deep breath and smile since 19th Jan 2016. I have moments of something that reminds happiness but this is not even a dim reflection of the real thing.

 

I once had a dream Ken was back and I still remember that feeling of happiness and fullness that emanated my whole being. This one dream was closest to happiness I will ever get

 

 

[twin_mom]

It's  heart wrenching to read your words,  Bubu....  i remember feeling like that for so long.  Then one day on this board I read someone's signature that said something like "I can't have his legacy be that his death destroyed me" (sorry to the owner of this signature for mutilating it!). Those words really hit home for me and were the turning point of me merely existing to making steps to rebuild myself. I hope that at some point you too have something click for you... because you deserve every happiness. We all do. 

[Bubu27]

Thank you Twin_mom. Ken's death destroyed me completely and even though I have slowly been picking myself up I feel like a quadruple amputee. I have been learning to walk again with my new prostheses but the missing parts will never grow back. I might be able to walk faster in future but I will never get my old, healthy and happy self back. And I am fine with it.

 

I am as happy as I can be with what happened.

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Baby step Bubu27, yes it stays with you in different ways over time.

Thank you Twin_mom for acknowledging that my signature helped you and you certainly did not mutilate it. 

I am rebuilding my life and it's been a tough old slog getting there.  I had no idea how all consuming this widowhood can be.  I'm learning that it doesn't have to define me and I'm finding my way again.

Hugs

 

Edited April 4, 2019 by BrokenHeart2

[Bubu27]

BrokenHeart2, I am finding new ways too but they are not my ways. This life is not my life and this person I have become is not me. I live this life because I have no choice and I have gradually moulded it into an easy, simple and rather solitary existence (that's how I choose it to be and content with it) but this is still not my life. I mean, it is  theoretically mine but mine is something I choose. And I haven't chosen this life - it was forced upon me.

 

 

[Bubu27]

Apologies for the tone and negativity but this is how I see this world now. Nothing will bring my Ken back and I don't care about this life without him.

 

Life is a bitch and then you die as they say. And I could't agree more

[twin_mom]

 Don't apologize for the negativity!! It is where you are right now - and this is the one place you can be totally honest about where you are. 

What happened to the life you had completely sucks - it's totally unfair that our lives were shredded while others get to continue merrily on their chosen paths. 

[kflex]

i have been were you are, it is awful there, but i reached apathy where it was at least quiet. I would have killed myself if i didn't have kids. I can only speak for myself, but one day it hit me:  I cannot be anything BUT the person my husband fell in love with, and i suddenly felt like i was letting him down. He hated me sad, said seeing me cry was the worst thing on the planet. And while i will never be that person again, i am trying to honor him by finding myself again. I still cry, but I also get to live. He doesn't. So i will do it for him.  I am not arrogant enough to say that this works for everyone, and i am so sorry that you lost your true love.