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When to go back to work


Melissa brown
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Hi, I am just curious about when to return to work and what everyone did after their spouse passed. I am sure everyone has different ways of coping. Is it easier or harder to go back? Does it provide you with a distraction? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

Melissa.

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Hi Melissa, 

i am sorry that you have to face this decision. Yes, everyone is different. For me, after being an extreme caregiver, I could not just bump around an empty house. I went back to work immediately, but I had a job with a private office, and honestly had days where the door was closed and I just stared at the computer. I think it was the right choice for me, but you know yourself better than anyone else. I know many who stopped working and ended up even changing careers entirely. 

 

I am glad you found us, this site has been a great place of friendship, advice and support. 

 

Marie

 

 

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I waited 3 weeks. I used a week giving the girls time and support before having them go back to school so they could finish their school year. I liked being home for them in those early days since LH worked from home often and would be home already when they got home from school. I also needed the time to process and come to terms initially as I was in shock still. I eventually needed the distraction work could provide on a daily basis and honestly we needed the health insurance I could provide if I worked full time. When I was in a poor triggered state at work, I simply shut my door and waited until I could collect myself. Thank goodness I have an office with a door! I cried plenty the year of firsts while I was at work but I bounced back better being in an environment with people around than I would have sitting in an empty house by myself. 

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I returned to work a week after the funeral but I was a wreck so some days later my company sent me for an unpaid month off. When I returned after that month I would still struggle for probably about a year. I was mentally absent, burst into tears often (would hide in a toilet) and had to pretend I was ready to be there. And that was tough as I had no energy to breathe let alone pretend.

If you can afford not working, stay home as much as you can. That is what I would have done if I could. But obviously everyone is different so do what your heart is saying

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I agree with you Bubu27. I am a nurse and I found it very difficult to care for patients and then care for my husband. I didnt have compassion for my patients and I don't think I will now if I return to work now. I had no clue there was so much involved with the passing of a spouse. I feel so lost.

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Did you think about a career change Melissa?

 

I don't know your story but caring for patients would probably remind me of caring for my husband (if I were you) and that could be too difficult. But at the same time, I have noticed that visiting hospitals and returning to the very same environment Ken was in before he passed away, makes me feel closer to him (as if he was still alive).

 

Not sure if it makes sense to you ;/

 

I think what I am trying to say is that do what feels right for you.

 

And you will feel lost for a while. That's normal. Been over 3 yrs for me and I am still lost x

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Hi, Melissa (and all of the newbies), 

 

I was a long term extreme caregiver (18 years, with the last 16 months 24/7 with a night ventilator). I was also a physical therapist. I took some time on FMLA after my first husband died. I did go back to work, but ultimately, within a year, I made some changes, and I never went back to my 26-year full time profession. 

 

Only you can figure out whether work can help you put one foot in front of the other. 

 

I was back back in school, playing around, really, when my second husband (a professor) died unexpectedly. If it wasn’t for school at that point, I don’t know how I would have gotten through my days. School (like work, for some people) forced me to read, write, and show up somewhere 5 days a week. I finished the degree I was working on, added another, and finished my career change. 

 

Perhaps work will be good for you, as school was for me. 

 

Hugs to you!

 

Maureen

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Maureen, 

Thank you for all your help. I have been on this site for countless hours the last few days. I am so sorry to learn that you have been through this twice. It really shows how strong of a person you are. 

 

I am not sure what I will do as far as work goes right now. I am trying to get through all the legal stuff that goes along with losing a spouse. 

 

But I must admit I am having a hard time getting out of bed. 

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Melissa, you must be strong too if you are able to  go through paperwork or even be on this forum. I barely remember first couple of months - my mum was with me 24/7 to look after me as all I did was sleep, wake up in hysterics, take a heavy dose of valium three times a day that would hit me hard immediately and I would drift right away. Ken's sister organised the funeral, took care of all the paperwork - I had to be reminded/ forced to brush my teeth or change clothes.

 

You are lost and probably still in shock but soldier on. And remember that you are not alone and we all here know all too well what you are going through.

 

Big hugs

 

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  • 1 month later...

I was a stay at home mom when my husband died. I didn't want that to change for my daughters. Thankfully I was financially able to stay home the past five years. We needed that time.  I started a full time job in March. It's very low stress and laid back. Great fit for me. 

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My hubby died in the middle of July, nearly 4 years ago.  I had been planning for him to retire and me to go to work, so I had accepted a teaching job to begin in early August.....  From his passing to my first day of work was 3 weeks.  I was blessed with 5th grade students and families that were very patient and understanding, so those few times I did have bad days in the classroom, people were kind.....  If I could've waited a few months, I probably would've been stronger, more prepared, more capable to do the job.... but I'm not the type to sit on my behind and feel sorry for myself..... I had to keep going..... 

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@virgo has does it feel to be back at work? And I am glad you were able to stay home. I definitely felt I needed time but then realized I spent that time crying while my kids were at school. I took off two months and returned last week part time. 

 

@RyanAmysMom I agree with you..I have a hard time sitting around. But since damon passed two months ago, I now feel like a walking zombie. I want to be my busy old self but I don't know if I will ever feel better.

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Melissa - I totally understand the zombie feeling - I had a day like that today - even after almost 4 years, there are still days........   I am grateful for days like today that I am a school teacher and school's out for summer.... it' wouldn't have been a good day at school.  

 

For the record... I think I was a zombie the first 18 months - at some point, the fog will lift, I promise.  

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Melissa, I tried to preoccupy my thoughts by physical activities. I worked on projects around my house, redecorating, and also going to the gym. I agree that the first year was robotic for me.  Being back at work has been a little bit of an adjustment for me and my daughters, but it's a good thing. Of course I would be okay with being home too. Ha! I'm currently taking care of my dad's estate too, so I feel like my free time is extremely limited. I'll be relieved when the house sells and the estate is closed. 

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