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So my wife's best friend has been helping me go through the grieving process.  She always checks in to see how I am doing and we see each other every week or two.  Over the past few weeks we have been getting more intimate.  We haven't had sex yet, but may go there soon.

 

I'm not looking for a relationship now, more just some fun.  We both seem to be ok with it.  Anyone else gone through this? 

 

I don't plan on getting into any serious relationship for a while.

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Posted (edited)

W40,

 

Everyone approaches things differently. I'm sure having a connection with someone so close to your wife is bringing you comfort right now. My only concern is that if you take on the benefits aspect with your wife's best friend, in the future you may regret it, which could complicate your grieving process. Of course that's impossible to predict.

 

It's also a slippery slope how she might react, either initially or weeks/months/years in the future. If it were to drive a wedge between you, it's possible you could lose that connection to your wife. I am ten years out and am very thankful for the relationships I have with my husband's friends -- for both me and my kids. 

 

abl

 

 

Edited by Abitlost
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Also another thing to consider, as much as she says she is "ok" with this many women are emotional creatures. As much as we don't want to let our feelings get involved they do!

Her feelings are already involved! If I were you , I would NOT do it unless you are looking to have a good time then lose a friendship..... just my opinion.....

Edited by sudnlysngl

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We men are also emotional creatures.  You will find that your feelings are affected whether you want them to be or not. 

When I was tempted I thought about the woman in my future.  The lady I had not met but would become my next true love. Would I want to tell her I was ok with FWB?  Would I be ok if she was using someone else that way while she was waiting for me?

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Widower40,

 

Such a charged, complicated, emotional topic. My thought is that you and the lady should discuss it in depth before either of you act on it. If you both enter the relationship (and, yes, it IS a relationship) knowing what the other thinks and expects, it will help to minimize the potential for a bad outcome.

 

Mike

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I briefly had a FWB relationship. I was growing attached to him, and realized I wouldn't give a new partner a real shot unless I ended it with him. There were differences that would have made a long term relationship impossible, so I ended it.  Of course, we couldn't be friends in the same way as before the benefits started, so we rarely communicate now.

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On 4/30/2019 at 5:08 PM, MikeR said:

Widower40,

 

Such a charged, complicated, emotional topic. My thought is that you and the lady should discuss it in depth before either of you act on it. If you both enter the relationship (and, yes, it IS a relationship) knowing what the other thinks and expects, it will help to minimize the potential for a bad outcome.

 

Mike

I agree.  We both talked about it..but I think it is good to always talk through it.

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On 4/30/2019 at 9:06 PM, faye said:

I briefly had a FWB relationship. I was growing attached to him, and realized I wouldn't give a new partner a real shot unless I ended it with him. There were differences that would have made a long term relationship impossible, so I ended it.  Of course, we couldn't be friends in the same way as before the benefits started, so we rarely communicate now.

Good perspective.  We only became close after my wife's passing.  Before that we would meet only a few times a year.

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This has been a really good topic! The one thing I noticed is everything everyone said, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that someone in the fwb relationship "always" develops more feelings for the other person then what was supposed to have been part of the "fwb" thing.

I've never heard of these working out for anyone, at least I haven't . Maybe there is someone out there it works for, or maybe there is someone where the two people finally realize that they belong together. Who knows?

Good luck to those of you who have the guts to go for it! :) 

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similar but not exactly the same, i became closer to my husband's best friend Eric after Justin's death. he would check on me every single morning, we would talk all day long via text, as we both grieved such a huge loss. These two men were like BROTHERS, actually closer than brothers, and it was the most beautiful thing to witness.  In fact, when i had to decide to pull Justin off of life support i made us wait until Eric could get to the hospital.  It was a moment we shared and we were bonded forever over that horrible moment.

 

Over the months I became Eric's best friend, and he mine, and after about 8 months, he slowly opened up to me about how miserable he was in his marriage. I knew there were issues, but E did a good job of acting for a VERY long time. Losing his best friend made him realize he needed to make his life better, and he realized he was not allowed to grieve, his wife didn't understand why he would be so sad about just a friend. Of course we had gotten very close (he lived 4 hours away), and when he said  his feeling for me were changing, we decided that he must only focus on his marriage and what he truly wanted, we both had to make absolute sure of our choices, because there was a lot at stake (kids, friends, family), and there was no way we were willing to tread the lines of an emotional affair.  A couple months later he left his wife, and he admitted he had fallen in love with me, and i knew i had fallen in love with him, too. At our core we had become best friends first, and when he first came to visit me after leaving his wife, we were both unsure, but things happen as they are meant to and it was natural and beautiful and i felt no guilt. i knew in my heart justin had done this to us, put the two people in his life that he loved the most together. I am honored to love two amazing men at one time, one here and one not, and the beauty in that is that Eric loves Justin, too, and will never keep me from talking about him, from crying, we feel it all together. There are just two things in my life that i have never doubted or questioned: the first was Justin, the second is Eric. People questioned, were we filling voids, all the normal things that people who care would ask, but we know we aren't. 

 

It can work, and it can be absolutely beautiful, but feel it in your gut first. If you just miss affection and sex, maybe don't try with a close friend. if it doesn't go well it can affect a lot of people. I wish you well.

 

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21 hours ago, sudnlysngl said:

"...someone in the fwb relationship "always" develops more feelings for the other person then what was supposed to have been part of the "fwb" thing.

 

That is what I've experienced and observed.  Someone acquiesces to a FWB relationship in the hope that the other person will eventually fall in love. As in many situations in love and life, hope is disappointment deferred.

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2 hours ago, faye said:

That is what I've experienced and observed.  Someone acquiesces to a FWB relationship in the hope that the other person will eventually fall in love. As in many situations in love and life, hope is disappointment deferred.

Every single time!

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Tread lightly. Some folks can have a FWB and it works out for both parties. However, just from my experience of observing most can't.

 

One usually gets more attached than the other one. Again, not always- but the majority of the time. 

 

 

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If it's your wife's best friend..well that's a little weird. Just a friend of acquaintance, it happens. Her best friend?? Sounds a little opportunistic on her part. Just my opinion.

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go for it!  You both want some fun, why not?  we all know that life is too short.  Enjoy the fling!

 

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Not my experience, but never have seen it work for anyone. I KNOW there are exceptions to the rule. But most of us fall within the "norm."   You know your heart. Can you let go if it does not work without being hurt badly?  How about your possible Lover?  Lots of things to consider.  

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I think any kind of feeling good is so tempting after/while experiencing the worst pain in our lives. We long to escape and that is natural. But we are also extremely vulnerable to our emotions- it seems either the widowed person gets quickly attached OR the other person has feelings and widowed person is still in love with the dead partner and can’t reciprocate.  Our feelings in the first couple years can be ALL over the map. Sex complicates friendships. It just does.

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